Dear Abby: Thongs On Men?

This is definitely not news, but I happened to trip over it and couldn't help but laugh, and feel terrified at the same time by flashbacks of past atrocities witnessed. A couple years back I worked on a construction job, more specifically a beach reconstruction job intended to counteract erosion. Pretty sweet job (working on the beach), for the most part but let me go the to whole Dear Abby thing and then return to the beach afterward.

Apparently Miss Abby did a poll about what men think about thongs. I am pretty sure that the question was what do men think about men's thongs but get the impression that many of the men failed to pick up on that subtlety.

Apparently the responders were 91% women and 9% men. Fifty-five percent voted thongs as good, 28 percent voted thongs as bad, and 17 percent gave mixed reviews (whatever the hell that means).

Here are some of the responses.

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up, girl! I switched to thongs when I turned 14 and have never looked back. A man can't wear tight white jeans with anything else. Love ... DINO IN SAN FRANCISCO

ME: Dudes really shouldn't wear tight white jeans ever Dino, and there are several reasons for this but I'm not going to go into them. Unless you go by the title "Captain" and wear your white pants with the hat below, just don't bother.

Why am I not surprised that and man named Dino who referred to a Abby as "girl" and wears thongs, lives in San Fransisco? I wonder if Dino looks like:

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with it, but I do find it funny.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a guy who wears string thongs under my work uniform and for casual day or evening underwear. I also wear thong swimwear by my pool in the summer, which I suppose makes me ... STRUNG UP THE MIDDLE IN VEGAS

ME: I hope your pool in fenced in with a high picket fence that has no gaps in it. All I can think is that this is actually the guy who wrote that letter.

I would venture to guess that there is a an 80% that your body is 95% less attractive than you think it is so put that shit away hoss! Nobody wants to see your hairy ass hanging out, you creepy fuck!

DEAR ABBY: I have never understood why girls would wear something that appears to violate all laws of comfort.

ME: Perfectly simple who wrote this one you might think. This is a woman who's slightly overweight and never quite developed a body that does not look like the character "Pat" from SNL. She has a mustache, clunky glasses, frumpy hair, and no chin. Worst case scenario I won't attempt to describe, there are no words, but you've all seen this woman, she'll never get laid ever. Best case scenario, she will eventually find a guy as desperate as she, they'll lose their viginity, the frustration will be gone, and soon she'll be wearing thongs too.



You were wrong. This person continue to write and said.

"The only way for me to solve this mystery was to try a thong. I purchased two and wore them exclusively for a couple of days. After the initial "getting used to," they were comfortable. In fact, I like them so much I bought a few more this evening. I am also thinking about buying other ladies' underwear. While this might be perceived as less than masculine, what I saw in the lingerie section looked a lot more comfortable and sexy to me than my old boxers or briefs. Abby, why won't they let us guys wear sexy underwear? -- CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA"

ME: It's a dude! "Less than masculine"? Oh, I think you could safely say that cheif. Now here is my question for any dude who has worn women's underwear especially a thong. I've seen womens underwear... up close even, recently, and they weren't ones I bought, or stole from a clothes line, (I know, you're amazed, but it's true). Now my question is how small must your twig and berries be to actually fit inside of those? I would think they would be forcefully separated like a teenager in a Porsche on contact with a lane divider. Noooo thanks. I say to "Confused In Virginia"... You sure as fuck are, good luck explaining to the kids why daddy is now mommy and that mommy is now living with "Uncle Frank".

DEAR ABBY: I'm voting thongs down. I'm 62 and grew up in the '50s and '60s with three good-looking sisters who always wore pretty ladies' nylon briefs -- all different colors, lace trim, prints, solids, flowers, silk panties. Wow! That was the style back then. All the girls wore them -- Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, etc. In the '70s and '80s girls adopted those ugly bikini panties, and now they're wearing thongs? Abby, please urge them to adopt those pretty panties of the '50s and '60s again. -- JACK IN BROCKTON, MASS.

ME: The first thing that is clear is that Jack in Mass. is thinking the question was about women in thongs. The second thing that is clear is that Jack is suffering from a dementia.

I know you're 62 Jack, but there is simply no excuse for this. I ask that you immediately hand over your man card and your testicles which you are obviously not using anymore. These will be placed in safe storage until you see the error of your ways. I would also like to say that you should likely give consideration to never speaking again.

DEAR ABBY: Wearing thong underwear has nothing to do with comfort. It's about concealing the dreaded pantyline on today's tight fashions. Pulling the waist so high as to expose it is unsightly on most of the bodies I have seen. And yeah, it's like driving past the scene of an accident -- you know you shouldn't, but you just have to look! -- ROBERT IN MOUNTAIN LAKES, N.J.

ME: Robert also thinks they are talking about thongs on women. To Robert I say... OK... That's all.

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up or down? Up, they're uncomfortable -- I twist my neck and strain my eyes -- but I have to say I really love them down. -- TODD IN MILWAUKEE

ME: I can't tell if he's talking about on women or on himself. He apparently knows whether or not they are comfortable so he could be wearing them now. Then he says he twists his neck sand strains his eyes? To look at himself? Or is he pulling the NYC construction working routine on some woman? Who knows, either way, thanks for you input Todd, I hope I never meet you because we cannot be friends.

DEAR ABBY: I have three responses to "San Diego Sinner." One: Wearing a thong does not make one a sinner. Two: If you're wearing one only to avoid being laughed at, you're wearing it for the wrong reason. Three: There are attractive and sexy alternatives to thongs such as bikini underwear and boy shorts. -- MATT IN SAN FRANCISCO

ME: The only thing I would add to that is this: If you think somebody is a "sinner" because they wear a thong, you must be almost too stupid to tie your shoes. Nobody wants to see your crusty ass anyhow. I think it would be great if a gang of hobos violated your anus and then lit you on fire.

DEAR ABBY: Thong underwear is as silly a fad as I can remember. Not all males find thong underwear appealing. Artful but suggestive concealment is what makes females appealing to men, not explicitness. -- M.J.H., COLUMBUS, OHIO

ME: This is either the previously mentioned, sexually frustrated woman, Jack from Mass trying to be sneaky and make his point again under the alias M.J.H., or a gay man with an art degree. Silly fad? Are you serious? Emo is a silly fad, 80's hair is a silly fad, jnco jeans were a silly fad, leg warmers were a silly fad, but less clothing on an attractive woman (we're pretending for a moment that the woman we're talking about, is attractive) is not ever silly. In certain situations it might be ill-advised, but never silly.

I am pretty sure I would like to see the rest of the polling results for this. I have no idea why but I find it interesting. I'm definitely not an advocate of just anybody wearing a thong. At least 70% of the population should very likely be turned away at the checkout counter for trying to purchase one. Please note below: To the left = Good... To the Right = Crime Against Humanity.


I'm not sure how I feel about thongs on the beach and such. I know what I would have said originally. Back in the day, before I worked as a lifeguard for 5 years and then worked the construction job on that 3 mile stretch of beach with a half mile of "gay beach" I would have been all about it. Now I've seen the worst of the worst, nearly gone blind, and I occasionally have hellish dreams about terrifying bodies in tiny thongs.

There are far too many people in this country who's self esteem is leagues above the levels where it should be. It's 3/4 of the time it's the woman with a 4 food wide ass or a guy who does not look unlike Ron Jeremy with down syndrome. Why has nobody verbally beaten the self esteem out of these people? I would never say that thongs should be not allowed in public because when the view is good 1/4 of the time it's usually good enough to make up for the other 3/4 of the time.

All I'll say is that people need to take stock of themselves and ask yourself "how hot am I" on a scale of 1-10 then multiply that by how many people (who are viewed in a socially normal manner as attractive) have propositioned you for a date or something of the sort in the past year. Subtract 5,000 points if you're male and 300 for body hair that is not hidden by the fabric, subtract 500 if you're female and larger than your husband.

If you have a mustache, subtract 100 if you're male (you'll look like a child molester) and drown yourself if you're female because it's one thing to have the mustache but it's a whole other story to be too goddamn stupid that you don't notice and shave it or bleach it. If you come do not at least break even you don't get to wear a thong. Automatic exclusion rules: Varicose veins, cellulite on your ass, you can get the "senior discount" ANYWHERE.

Iraqi Police Get Motivational Speech

I like this guy, I probably wouldn't have been as nice had I been giving the speech. It makes me sad to know that they probably don't understand 90% of what he's saying and the translator is probably translating it into the p.c. and pg rated version or talking about something completely irrelevant. Would it be so wrong to shoot one to make a point? Just one...

In Defense of Geert Wilders 2

Thanks Fidothedog for the great video, keep up the good work. See his entire post here including his video which you just watched.

If you haven't already, do what you can, sign the petition, donate if you can, get additional information, but I ask that you don't simply stand by and ignore this. Too many people doing just that and soon it will be too late. Without freedom of speech it would be a very scary world.

Nigeria, These People Shall Cure Cancer Soon

In Nigeria, a Goat has been detained over an armed robbery.

Vigilantes heroically apprehended the cunning thief shortly after he tried to steal a Mazda. One of the perpetrators escaped capture. In a desperate attempt to elude authorities and escape incarceration, clever ne'er-do-well number 2 used his Level 9 Wizardry skills to morph into a goat.



When his pursuers caught up with our Billy Goat Gruff, he was in the process of being anally violated by another man who exclaimed "Allahu Akbar!" before he darted into an alley repeating "Allahu Akbar!" over and over as he ran (this part cannot be confirmed but in this writer's opinion it seems reasonable enough).


Sir Bedevere has already begun questioning witnesses and employing scientific process to decide if the goat weighs the same as a several small rocks and is therefore made of wood and is, therefore, a witch.



If convicted of witchcraft the goat will be urged to shapeshift back into a human so that it can be properly tried and sentenced however they sentence failed car theives in that shithole of a country on that cesspool of a continent.

At least it wasn't a penis stealing shrubbery again!

Note To All U.S. Politicians, I Hate You and I Wish Terrible Things On You And Your Families

Why would you say such a terrible thing in the title of your blog? It's not nice to say such things! He's so mean and bitter, he's probably isn't on the O-Train toward love and understanding for all! Did you think that? If you did I hate you too so bugger off. I just read a news article entitled "Calif. governor wants to tax golf, auto repairs."

This is great! I was always thinking quietly to myself... "how could I pay more for something that is already FUCKING EXTORTIONATE!" Ohh, thank you government for thinking of this plan for me. Now I can pay even more money so Billy-bob can half-ass fix my car... oh the delight!

The mastermind of this plan is "Zee Governator" who is pictured below.



He has decided that in order to "plug crippling budget deficits" the state is going to have to extort more money. I guess somebody has to pay for things like overzealous environmental regulations and health care for illegals. You want to be a bunch of whiny liberal wankers you can pay the price, I don't really have a problem with that. I take that back... why not tax the fuck out of those crusading Hollywood assholes. How about a bailout from John Travolta, or Oprah instead of taxing the poor fuck who needs a new head gasket on his '89 Buick skylark just so he can get to his shitty life-sucking job and make $9.00 an hour that helps him stay just below the poverty line!

The Governator wants to tax other random things too, rounds of golf, auto repairs, veterinary care, amusement park and sporting event admissions and appliance and furniture repairs., you know, anything that might keep people from needing anti depressive drugs. Better tax that shit too Ahhhhhnold. I can totally get with taxing certain things, things we don't need, like the golf, amusement park, sporting events, things of that sort it makes perfect sense. If you have the extra cash flow to go to that crap then you have the extra cash flow to help out a bit. Hell, tax the cigarettes, tax the booze, legalize the hookers and tax them, grow the pot and tax the fuck out of that. Tax people for being a pretentious prick and owning several environment killing, gas guzzling hummers. There are ways to make money without fucking everybody.

Even the Democrats are getting into the game in New York. Proposing taxes on MP3 downloads, movies, concerts, sporting events, haircuts (really, haircuts... who's gotten a haircut in New York City? Was it not fucking expensive enough?) , manicures, massages, and taxi rides (we all know these don't cost enough either).

In Utah they are considering taxing accounting and attorney services. You know what Utah, you are on your last chance... first the Mormons, and now this. One more and I banish you from my planet. I don't care where you go but you can't stay here.

Let's try something different for once you political types. Let's take our head out of our anus for just a moment, take a deep breath, and concentrate. If you stopped wasting our money on shit like free healthcare for illegal immigrants, trying to build suicide barriers on the golden gate bridge, more and more welfare for those who refuse to work, lawsuits against gay marriage (just let them fucking have it, who gives a shit!), less retarded environmental regulations then maybe you we wouldn't be in this mess. How about a tax on Beverly Hills mansions, more than 3 cars per household, or private learjets?

I hate you all and I hope you get shanked by a homeless man with a sawn-off toothbrush!

In Defense of Geert Wilders

I first came across this story in August of this past year. In fact, I blogged about it in my myspace blog on August 05, 2008. Since none of you likely caught that blog or followed up on the story I'm posting again with the recent follow ups. I was actually made aware this was still an issue over at The Lone Voice @ http://newportcity.blogspot.com. I'll post a bit of my original blog first for some background in case you aren't familiar with this issue.

Basically the original article I posted said the following:

A Dutch member of parliament has called for the Quran to be banned in the Netherlands, describing it as a "fascist book" which calls on people to kill non-believers and rape women. Geert Wilders, leader of the far-right Freedom Party, called for the ban in a letter published in De Volkskrant newspaper. In his letter, Wilders compares the Muslim holy book to Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler's autobiography, and said the Quran has "no place in our constitutional state".

"I have been saying this for years: there is no such thing as a moderate Islam," Wilders wrote.

Wilders' Freedom Party holds nine seats in the Netherlands' 150 seat parliament.

Call for ban

Wilders also said several chapters in the Quran "call on Muslims to oppress, persecute or kill Christians, Jews, dissidents and non-believers, to beat and rape women and to establish an Islamic state by force".

The publication of the letter comes after a weekend attack on Eshan Jami, a young Dutch politician, who established a group to support people who have renounced Islam.

Jami, who was not visibly injured in the attack, is now under police protection as is Wilders.

"Ban this wretched book like Mein Kampf is banned! Send a signal to Jami's attackers and other Islamic radicals that the Quran cannot be used in the Netherlands as an inspiration or an excuse for violence," Wilders said.

Wilders acknowledged that his plan would not receive majority support in the Dutch parliament.

"I am fed up with Islam in the Netherlands: no more Muslim immigrants allowed. I am fed up with the worship of Allah and Muhammad in the Netherlands: no more mosques," his letter concluded.

Now the more recent postings which I will quote some from The Lone Voice to save time:

"It states on Geert Wilders Wikipedia page that:

Wilders is under constant security protection because of frequent threats to his life

One wonders why they choose to see him as the problem over religious fanatics?

He says online:

""Who will stand up for our culture if I am silenced?""

The uproar has been caused by Geert Wilders Volkskrant which you can find translated here:

Because I know many will not actually follow all my links I'm going to again quote the important issues from this translation here.

Basically the whole issue is that Wilders stated:

"The Koran is a facist book which incites violence, writes Geert Wilders. That is why this book, just like Mein Kampf, must be banned."

Italian writer Oriana Fallaci who alas, died last year held in New York on November 28^th 2007 when she received a prize for her heroic resistance to Islamo facism and her struggle for freedom:

"A moderate Islam does not exist. It does not exist because there is no difference between Good Islam and Bad Islam. There is Islam and that it the end of it. Islam is the Koran, and nothing other than the Koran. And the Koran is the Mein Kampf of a religion that desires to eliminate others- non –Muslims-who are called infidel dogs, and inferior creatures. Read the Koran, that Mein Kampf, yet again. In whatever version and you will see that the evil which the sons of Allah against us and themselves has perpetrated comes from that book".(Oriana Fallaci"The Force of Reason" post-script page 305 February 2006)

"Ehsan Jami is one such infidel dog who had the courage to call the Prophet Mohammed a criminal and for referring to some of the strictures of the Koran as backwards and who got it into his head to stand up for other apostate dogs and even organized a committee for them. Allah finds that the death penalty is warranted for apostasy. Last Saturday that was almost a reality: the infidel Jami was beaten bloody by two Morrocans and one Somalian."

"Enough is enough. Let's stop with the politically correct spin and hype. It is good that Jami now has protection and it is too bad it did not happen sooner, but that does not solve the core of the problem. The core of the problem is fascistic Islam, the sick ideology of Allah and Mohammed as it is set out in the Islamic Mein Kampf: the Koran. The texts in the Koran leave little to the imagination."

"In various Sura's Muslims are called upon to oppress, persecute, or kill Jews, Christians and others, believers and non –believers and to beat women and to rape and to use violence to implement a worldwide Islamist state. Numerous other Sura's are used by Muslims to incite to death and destruction."

"Ban that wretched book like Mein Kampf is banned! In doing so send a signal to Jami's attackers and other Islamist that the Koran never ever can be allowed to be used as an inspiration for violence. I am ashamed of the Dutch politicians. Their naïve and pathological striving for a utopian moderate Islam which will only bring our country hell and damnation. I am ashamed of the people inside and outside the Lower House who refuse to stop the Islamic invasion of Holland. I am ashamed for Dutch politicians who day in and day out accept the over representation of foreigners in illegality and criminality and have no answer for it."

"The Hague is full of cowardly members. Fearful people who are born cowards and will die as cowards. They find and promote the idea tha the Dutch culture is has its foundation in Jewish-Christian- Islamic –tradition. They award a general pardon to liars and criminals. Those who see the extremists of the Muslim Brotherhood as partners for discussion. Those who permit Muslim men to refuse to let their wives be treated by a male doctor. Those who couldn't care less about the interests of the Dutch citizen and are working to transform the Netherlands into Netherlarabia as a province of the super state Eurabia."

"I have had enough of Islam in Holland: Not one more Muslim immigrant should be let in. I have had enough of the reverence for Allah and Mohammed in the Netherlands: There should not be even one more mosque. I have had enough of the Koran in the Netherlands. Ban that wretched book."

"Enough is enough."

There is significanly more information regarding this issue over at www.militantislammonitor.org and I urge you to read through what I did not post here. This is a major problem that needs to be addressed and needs to be addressed immediately. This is far from only a Dutch issue and it's quickly spreading.

Some more information quoted from the article I found over at The Lone Voice:

January 22, 2009 - Washington, DC and Copenhagen, Denmark: A Dutch court yesterday ordered the criminal prosecution of Geert Wilders, Dutch parliamentarian and leader of the Freedom Party (PVV), for his statements - written, spoken and filmed -regarding Islam. The Amsterdam Court of Appeals has deemed such statements “insulting,” declaring that they “substantially harm the religious esteem” of Muslims.

Clearly, the effect of this Dutch court order is to set new limits to public debate in Dutch society, in this case about the highly controversial but nonetheless crucially important subject of Islam. This makes the prosecution of Geert Wilders an unacceptable breach of the sanctity of freedom of speech in Western society.

Having ordered a criminal prosecution for the opinions of a duly elected leader of a legitimate political party, Dutch authorities have dealt a devastating blow to political expression. While Dutch prosecutors prepare their indictment and Geert Wilders’ future hangs in limbo, who in The Netherlands will dare discuss political and cultural matters related to Islam - Islamic law, Islamic integration, Islamic crime, Islamic policy - openly, freely and fearlessly? The chilling effect is instantaneous. If, indeed, Wilders is ultimately convicted, free speech will cease to exist in the heart of Europe.


The International Free Press Society believes this court-ordered prosecution against Geert Wilders, a central figure in the fight against the Islamization of the West, amounts to a dangerous concession to the strictures of Islamic law, which prohibits all criticism of Islam, over Western traditions of, and rights to robust and unfettered debate. As such, it is tantamount to a surrender to totalitarian influences that undermine all Western freedoms. And as such, it must be resisted.


It is important to recall recent history. Two Dutchmen, Pim Fortuyn and Theo van Gogh, have been murdered for their outspoken opposition to Islamization in The Netherlands. Another Dutch politician, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, has been infamously forced into exile. Wilders alone now carries this debate over Islam in Dutch society forward - forcefully but logically, outspokenly but reasonably, and always peacefully. In order to do so, this member of Dutch parliament lives in a virtual prison, consigned to 24-hour guard by Islamic death threats against his life. Now, Dutch authorities have ordered him to be prosecuted for the Orwellian crime of committing “insulting” words.


As Wilders puts it, “If I have to stand trial, I will not stand trial alone, but also with the hundreds of thousands of Dutch people who reject the Islamization of The Netherlands.” He will also stand trial with those in The Netherlands and beyond who reject government prosecutions of free speech. In recognition of this this dire situation, the IFPS immediately calls on every supporter of free speech to come to the aid of Geert Wilders. To assist in this effort, the IFPS has launched an international campaign in defense of Geert Wilders and his freedom of speech.


To support these efforts, we urge you to contribute to the Geert Wilders Defense Fund. Donation information can be found at the IFPS website.We also urge defenders of free speech to sign this letter of protest against the Dutch Government http://www.petitiononline.com/wilders/petition.html

WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT THIS YOU ASK?!?!

Whether you believe in his ideas or not, whether you agree with me or not, you should agree with free speech and if you do I urge you to click the link above and at least sign the petition in defense of a man who's willing to stand up for what he believes. In this case that belief is freedom of speech, freedom in general. This is important, this is something that matters. If it starts with incarceration of one man who stood up for his beliefs and for free speech and this is allowed to continue we are setting ourselves up to hold a place in a very frightening future.

It is unfortunate that our world is filled with such politically correct and conveniently blind assholes. I am sincerely afraid of the direction we are moving toward pressing for the acceptance of radical ideas at the expense of those who are to be harmed by them. Where does this stop? When and where does somebody finally open their eyes and draw the line? At what point is enough actually enough? How many examples of destruction, oppression, and murder do we actually need from this group before we're willing to grow a pair and stand up. Is it going to get to the point where we no longer are allowed to have an opinion that differs from the Islamic ideals? This is the direction we're going.

With our current stance and our new hugs and kisses, socialist, messiah/president I fear that it's going to continue to rapidly slide down hill and snowball. I'm actually quite sure that if the Netherlands were to ban it and not let in those poor opressed muslims, we'll invite them over since they aren't all terrorists and we like to play guess which one will blow up the plane. Hell, we'll let them in and build them foot washing stations in the new mosques that we'll build at the universities where we teach them chemistry, phsysics, and computer science which they will use to kill Infidel. We'll fund Koranic schools so they can segregate from us within our own society and their religion is not oppressed by our filthy westernness which might offend them.

We'll let them beat their women in the street in the name of religion. Driver's license picture in a Hijab... No Problem! What is this... you come from a stone age society that hasn't contributed anything to the world (except hatred and violence) for a few hundred years and you have no useful skills to get work. That's not a problem we'll give you welfare. In no time you'll be as abundant as mexicans and we'll start requiring American supervisors to speak Arabic so that we don't inconvenience you to learn the national language of our country thus stripping you of your heritage. We'll refrain from drawing cartoons that might upset your peaceful and loving minds (unless it's about jews, cause we know that's ok, Israel is pure, unbridled evil...).

Never you mind those mean old netherlands Akbar, you just bring your 500 kids, 9 wives, and stash of weapons manuals to the U.S. and the A.C.L.U. will ensure that you have more rights than the evil infidel dogs in no time...

What a steaming pile of horseshit. Before you write this off as some right wing rant read the Koran, I have, I know exactly what it says. I've also read too many books on the subject to not have a damn good understanding of what it requires and what it calls for. I agree with Wilders 100% and I urge you to read it before you decide we're wrong. I have to say, I'm truly ashamed of the world I live in.

AAAAND this just in... even if you clicked on no other links in this blog... Head on over to see what Fidothedog has to say at The Lone Voice about this issue since I completed this writing. Apparently Austria has joined the clusterfuck of retardation in the active assault on free speech. Now the home of the terminator has decided to turn and bite one of their own in the name of ensuring that nobody "humilates Islam".

By the way this only applies to the peaceful religion of Islam, you can make fun of and insult anybody else except these wonderful humanitarians.

References:

http://newportcity.blogspot.com

http://www.militantislammonitor.org/article/id/3094

Snuggie!

I keep seeing a commercial that is proof that America has reached a new level of retardation. I couldn't help but be angered by this moronic invention. The saddest part isn't that somebody thought this was a necessary device, but that people will actually make him/her wealthy purchasing this turd. If you haven't seen it you should watch, if you have you may read on.



Snuggie? A fucking snuggie? That sounds like something you get when your Cialis malfunctions or if you accidentally ingest an entire container of Metamucil in one sitting. I'm staggered, even the vodka cannot make this seem like a good idea.

Now I can get with the idea that one may not want to turn up the heat (I was once a poor college student). I can even go along with one simply not wanting to use a blanket. Surely, if you go to your closet you will find a sweatshirt, a hoodie, a track jacket, a sweater, a shawl, something that you can don which will effectively negate your need to pull out a credit card and call the blanket with arms people.

If your blanket is has a tendency to "slip and slide" you should likely try a thicker blanket, constructed of a material that is less slippery or slimy. If you are so lazy that you cannot manage to pull your arm out of the blanket to pick up the phone or the television remote, you don't deserve to be warm or to use the phone or television. Where must one be living that the inside of their home is so cold that even removing an arm from the protective covering of a blanket will cause an instantaneous hypothermic reaction? You can even use your laptop in comfort? Have you ever actually held your laptop on your lap? The heat from my laptop is nearly enough to cause burns.

Of course the snugglie is made of thick, luxurious, soft, multi-ply, space age, nasa approved, recycled, not tested on animals, bio-degradable, ultra-lightweight fleece with oversized sleeves. You'll be able to move your arms which is great, I always find my arms getting hopelessly trapped in my blankets and then I panic and cry and bystanders must call EMS and the jaws of life must get involved, traumatic, it's just not worth it.

It's super large, one size fits all. All? It's big, but have you seen 1/3 Americans, they're going to probably have to upsize it for the people who'll buy it. What if you're short though? What if you're both short and old. How long is it going to take until some old lady is shuffling around in her ultra-soft, fleecy Klan rope and she falls her ass down the stairs. Old people have shitty balance as it is, should we really be encouraging them to be walking around in this 2 foot too long for their crippled frame cult gettup? Somebody is going to shatter a hip, I called it, you just wait for the lawsuit to show up in the news.

There are even people roasting marshmallows over a fire in this thing. Is it fire retardent? I highly doubt that it is, in fact, I bet this thing burns like white phosphorous exposed to air. They're at a baseball game in it, mom, dad, little suzie. What it fails to show is little jimmy who's playing in the game. While he sits on the bench, he's catching hell from his friends about what a fag his dad is (his teammates words not mine, don't blame me) sitting there clapping like a fiend in his oversized, red, fuzzy, hospital gown. How the hell is jimmy supposed to bring his A game when he knows his cheeseball family is embarrassing the hell out of him on the sidelines. "Why can't they just wear a coat like all the normal parents" he's thinking. This shit is how Menendez brothers happen.

Apparently you can do every single activity that you might want to do while wearing your giant fleece choir robe. You can talk on the phone, change the television channel, change the oil in the minivan, put up christmas decorations, ride your snowmobile, wash the car, cook dinner, sweep the floor, take karate lessons, argue with your husband, deflect small arms fire, manage a business, go to a job interview, take a bath, hitchike, pole vault, land a plane, go to a movie, commit a felony, frighten minorities, defend your country, win a pulitzer prize, and find a cure for cancer. Those are only a few of the things you can do with your arms free from those restrictive blankets!

For only 14.95 plus your dignity, you can have your snuggie in 3 magnificent colors. You can actually have a book-light too, free, what a deal. I wonder if anybody who buys this thing can even read above third grade level? You don't even have to manually open the thing. This booklight opens for your lazy ass at the push of a button, all automatic and shit. With these two products you won't ever have to move again. I propose they sell a mini-fridge attached to the booklight so you can sit on the couch and do nothing but eat, fester in your own unshowered filthiness, and rot away like the useless vegetable you are.

Why must it always be a $4,536 dollar value for just $14.95 IF YOU CALL NOW? Why must I always call now and get 12 extra snuggies and book-lights free? Really? You're so generous in wanting to keep me warm AND READING, that you're going to lose 50 to $4,000 per order just to make me comfortable? Oh thank you mr. snuggles inventor man.

I want to meet the man who invented the pet rock. I want to obtain his rock (by force if necessary). I want to hurl said rock, which will subsequently strike (in the cranium) the man who invented this snuggie.

When will people realize that if we do not institute a good eugenics program posthaste, mankind will soon be sniffing each others asses and wearing helmets in order to sleep without injuring ourselves. I don't believe in god, but if I did I would say "God help us all."

Stupid People Getting Broken

Since I've been kind of busy lately I haven't really had the time to pick apart mankind as much as I would really like to. For that reason I'm posting some things that I find entertaining such as videos. This is yet another one I find terribly entertaining despite the less than pristine clarity. I can't say I haven't been there, years of snowboarding and skateboarding have left me with the shattered spine of a 60 year old retired NFL player. It was pretty damn fun at the time.

Flying Deer

This video never ceases to make me laugh.

New Subject... King Hugo!

Hugo Chavez is one of those people who continues to amaze me with his antics. He called Bush the devil, which I must say I disagree with, Bush wasn't smart enough to be the devil, it was his cronies, Bush was just a retard.

Big Hugo doesn't hold much hope for significant changes from the Obama administration apparently. That's ok, he doesn't expect a whole lot of good and neither do I. The thing that I can't help but wonder about is what the hell kind of changes does this nutter want. He claims he's happy to see that Obama has "shown interest in improving communication." This is a guy who's still trying to abolish term limits in his country so he can impose his retarded form of Socialism on his people until he dies.

What I won't claim to know is if Obama actually gives a shit about Venezuela and Chavez or not. I will say that I sincerely hope that we don't improve communication with this asshole. I think we should improve sniper techniques for use in removing him from the planet, not to play the pussy and "communicate". I kinda hope Chavez gets shot in the face by one of these so called radicals whom he's constantly trying to keep under control.

Philosopher Ashton

The answer to all of our problems is nigh! Where would we be without these two brilliant philosophers, philanthropists if you will. Jesus, how could we not have seen it before, we needed Barack Obama and his "call to action" and now the world will be fixed at the hands of the Ashton and Demi.



I can already feel the change, I can feel the world becoming a better place as I type. We better mix up an other batch of fucking koolaid!

Did they actually say anything? I mean yes, they said a lot of words, but what the fuck did they mean? Was there a goddamn point in there? Is something going to change now? I sincerely hope something really bad happens!

Obamarama... All Hail The Return of The Messiah!

Holy mother of christ! If I hear one more goddamn word about Martin Luther Fucking King I'm going to smash something! I know, I know, I know, it's an amazing coincidence that King got dead just Obama could become president (I don't know how many years ago, nor do I give a flying fuck). Lots of people are dead, lots of people who did wonderful things are dead. King was black, that's grand, "OMG!" Obama is black too, this must be a miracle because they're both black. I get it, I fucking get it you goddamn hippie fucks. Would you people just rub one out already and put your fucking peckers away before you poke out an eye.



All this goddamn lovey, grabass, media cocksucking is making me miss Bush, and I fucking hated Bush. What the fuck has Obama done? Obama hasn't done a goddamn thing except be black and win the presidency. All this Obama being shoved up my ass like he's Jesus reincarnate is unwarranted. It all has an air of "take that whitey!" in the form of irritating white people who all want to prove they're more progressive and more supportive of Obama than the next. I get it, I fucking get it, you aren't racist, you're anti-racist, you're willing to give Obama a nice sloppy blow to prove you aren't racist. I know what you're probably thinking "oh, he's just a racist asshole ranting because he's pissed." Think what you want, I hate people of every race and religion with equal ferocity, I do not discriminate.

My problem with all of this bullshit is that it feels like I'm being force-fed all this "overcome" and "hope" horseshit and that pisses me off to no end. Overcoming whatever shit life hands you doesn't come from a president, it comes from taking fucking responsibility for the fact that you're a retard and doing something about it. So stop babbling about how Obama has fixed racism or is going to fix racism until they abolish affirmative action. If any special "assistance" goes to any group of people no matter what color they are, it's racism. If the levels of stupid in this country get any higher it's going to become contagious and we'll all be writhing on the floor drooling on ourselves like the bunch of fucking mongoloids the majority of the population already is.

"Obama gives everyone space at the table."

"It was prophesied by [the Rev. Martin Luther] King that we would have a day when everyone would come together."

"When you think back, Malcom [X] fought. Then we come a little further, Rosa Parks sat. Then come up a little further and Martin [King Jr.] spoke. Then today, President Obama ran and we won."

"When ever I hear him speak, I want to be a better person. That's what you want in a leader"

What a massive, steaming pile is this shit!

I don't even blame Obama because I don't get the impression that he's like that at all. I believe he probably is a good guy with his own set of ideas on how to fix this fucking mess we call a country. Whether his ideas are good or will work is a whole different issue. I just don't get the impression that Obama is any more potentially special than any other President who has stood in his place before. I'm not willing to fucking blow a load in my knickers over a man who hasn't done anything at all whether he's black, white, yellow, purple, or wearing a fucking spandex suit with an S on the chest. I can't help but think... would there be all this hype over the first female president if it were Hillary? I sincerely doubt it. I'll jump on the Obama band wagon once he actually proves that he's not just another impending catastrophe.

The last thing the sheeple in this country need is another soppy cunt who is just as spineless as they are. Do we need a fucking president who is going to lay down and open the flood gates for more destruction in the name of all this love and understanding bile? Addressing the muslim world for a relationship based on "mutual trust and respect". That's fucking great, America, change your pad and fucking quit waiting for the reach-around from your messiah. He offered peace to muslims but only “if you will unclench your fist”. I remind you that it wasn't our clenched fist that started all this shit whether Bush was a moron or not.



I'm just going to sit by and wait for my time to say "I told you so" and in the mean time I feel like this guy.



I totally agree with Federale when I say with complete sincerity that I Hope He Fails.

.577 Tyrannosaur "T Rex"

One more today for good measure. I love watching people get fucked up by guns that are too much for them.

Battle at Kruger

I had seen this before, quite some time ago, but I was telling somebody about it and thought I would post it. It's not your typical National Geographic wildlife video. I've never seen anything like this.

Ron Clark Academy

I always find crusaders to be hilarious. I would like to introduce you to Ron Clark. I don't like this guy... I couldn't help but follow this train wreck through several videos and he cries a lot. Anyhow, this particular crusader and his cause made me laugh and cringe all at the same time. So if you've read my blogs before you may be aware that I really dislike kids. If there's one thing I dislike more than regular kids, it's kids who rap (especially about our lord and savior... Obama) and bounce around like they're being attacked by fire ants. If you haven't been subjected to this one yet I think you should take a look. I recommend you save yourself some time and skip straight ahead to 3:42 minutes into the video. Now, my brain is hemorrhaging so I am going to go step in front of a bus in an attempt to make the song stop looping in my head.

Closing Gitmo!

Olé! Let the ridiculous, liberal, hippie, bullshit begin! El presidente elect Obama, AND my own personal hero, because that is the trendy thing to say, has some major decisions to make in closing down the Guantanamo Bay detention facility. Apparently it is going to be "a challenge" to close the facility "any time soon," mentioning "within the first 100 days of his administration." Obama, YES WE CAN! My heart swells with pride and happiness like the sight of sunshine on late april dew drops when politicians actually get priorities straight.

Fuck the housing crisis, fuck the disastrous economy, fuck massive job loss and homelessness, fuck rampant violence and overflowing prisons, failing schools and children who can't compete on a global scale, and fuck the 70% or so of United States citizens who are obese now! That shit is not important, we'll worry about that garbage later, there are hugs to distribute and Hajis to free! Oh shit, did I say Hajis? I meant peaceful Muslim men who just want to help make the world a better place for all mankind whether he be Christian, Jew, Buddhist, or Mulim.

Whew!... It's a damn good thing that there are no real terrorists there to worry about! Only a lot misunderstood people who are down on their luck and just made a poor choice in life. They never had a chance to do good and they made a mistake, we all do it from time to time. We can't hold these poor lost souls indefinitely in this place and deprive them of their rights as citizens of a peaceful and loving world. We need more human rights lawyers, call the ACLU, they're heroes to the downtrodden! We need to give Haji a big hug, a green card, and a welfare check... maybe a quick "happy ending" and send him off to be a newly minted U.S. citizen, right left wingers? If we would just do that he will immediately begin making positive contributions to society and probably will even cure cancer.

Obama wants to set up procedures that "abide by our constitution." I'm not sure what I think about that, King W didn't need no stinkin' constitution! I say we burn that obsolete piece of scrap paper. I'm so terribly confused about all of this. Obama says we need to be sure we follow the constitution, and Premier Bush and his people say these prisoners are "the worst of the worst" and if we let them out "they'll git ya!" Whatever are we to do? I say we do the right thing and we let the detainees decide.

That's what good Americans would do. Some of them, like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed want to be executed to achieve martyrdom, I say we nail his ass to a giant cross in the sun and help him reach his goal. Then we do the same with any other martyr wannabes. Next, we let all of the others who are "innocent" go home. We'll give them some of those little orange arm floaties, a compass, and a waterproof map, and send them on their way home... after we chum the water of course. This way, Everybody Wins!

I don't get the problem anyhow, this is like club med for people who fuck camels and wipe their ass with their hand. Give them a Koran and let them babble about "allahu akbar" all day within the confines of their barbed wire where it's not hurting anybody. I say we just cordon off an entire island and confine all of them to it indefinitely, it fucking worked for Australia now didn't it!

Random Thoughts on A Snowy Sunday

This weekend I have been totally left on my own to attempt to entertain myself. I should be used to this by now because I managed to do it for a couple of months straight up until November. As it turns out, I am still unable to function on the solo and at the time manage to produce positive thoughts about a whole lot of things. This holds especially true in the light of my recent unnatural levels of happiness when I'm around a certain individual who shall continue to remain unnamed to protect the innocent. Point being, I have done absolutely nothing productive since Friday. If you want to pick at details I really haven't been productive for over a month but this weekend I have reached new levels. I slept in until noon on Saturday and until 1:00 pm today and yet I just don't give a shit, what the fuck else have I to do? I did manage to venture out onto shitty roads that look like this.



Because PennDOT is the most useless pseudo-state government entity on the face of the planet. If these people managed to ever accomplish anything at all in a less than slack-ass manner, the pure shock would send me into convulsions. It's good to know so much of my tax money goes to keep our roads in such fucking pristine condition. Fuck off PennDot... oh wait, you already are.

Anywho, I went out to get some food because it turns out that no matter whether my laziness reaches Department of Transportation levels or not, I still have to eat. Fortunately there was nobody else on the roads during this particular trip and therefore I could still manage to keep to the actual posted speed limits. This seems to be a constant irritant for me. No matter what the roads look like there is nothing that sends my insanity, and blood pressure soaring like driving 17 mph for 20 miles in a 45 mph limit zone. I'm really quite sure that there should be a rule. If you cannot keep up speeds withing 10 mph of the speed limit (no matter what the weather) then it is obviously beyond your driving skill to be out at all and you should be given a citation for being on the roads and causing a hazard with your less than acceptable driving skills. This is Pennsylvania you fucking morons, if you are going to drive like you've never seen snow before then go the fuck back to your house and kill yourself or something but don't drive at a goddamn walking speed and make my trip 2 hours longer than it should be!

Another gripe I have is about two lane highways. There is a rule in this state, actually I'm pretty sure it's a rule in most states. This is not an unwritten rule either, I've seen the signs recently from Pennsylvania to Maryland down to Virgina, I've seen them in New York as well.



I still cannot manage to fathom what must be going through the heads of most of the drivers on the goddamn roads all the time. Apparently some people need to be forced to take their fucking drivers tests again because they just cannot manage to either grasp the rules, or a sense of common goddamn decency. If you're one of these people I'm going to tell you a little secret that is obviously very difficult for most people to remember. The LEFT LANE is the fucking PASSING LANE! Let me repeat that... The LEFT LANE is the motherfucking PASSING LANE. What the left lane is not, is the driving at the same speed as the rest of traffic lane. If you would like to travel no faster than the people in the RIGHT LANE then get in the goddamn right lane! I cannot stand assholes who do this and it just makes me want to ram them into the guiderail like an unruly redneck nascar driver.

Canadians in the United States seem to be particularly bad at grasping this rule. I see Ontario plates driving in the left lane on I-79 like it's their goddamn job. If you cannot learn to drive properly on our roads take your frozen ass back to Canada you fucking retards. It's not just Canadians though, it seems to be one out of every two drivers who act like they've never heard this idea.

Truck drivers are especially bad. These fucking slack-jawed ass-clowns will wait until they see a car screaming up on their six at nearly 3 times their speed and then they'll pull out into the left lane in front of them. It always seems to be up a hill as well. They pull out and proceed to attempt to pass another truck who's going 64 mph while they are trying to go 65. 19 miles later the fucking asshole finally gets by far enough that he can pull back in and meanwhile there are 976 cars piled the fuck up behind him. I would like to propose a rule that truck drivers don't get to use the left lane at all because as a whole it's quite clear that they cannot exhibit the common decency to use it properly without fucking over everybody else on the road.

I would just like to say that next time you're in your minivan cruising alone at 63 mph in the passing lane and you see a car following you so closely you can't see the front of it in your rearview, it is because you are a fucking retard. Get the fuck over to the right lane and stay there before somebody with just slighly less self-control than I follows you to a rest stop and punches you in the goddamn throat!

On top of the the shitty roads and my lack of motivation to do anything I tried to find other ways to entertain myself. Watching television seemed to work for a while but there didn't seem to be much of anything on. Mainly all I found myself doing was flipping channels, getting pissed off by idiotic commercials aimed at people with an IQ somewhere near that of a broken stapler, and then giving up and playing playstation. While watching the television I came across several issues that I can't help but wonder about so I think I'll address one right now.

The first issue is the 80's and more specifically actors in the 80's. I think the movie I came across was Beverly Hills Cop but I'm unsure. This film sucked so fucking bad I deemed it unworthy of the effort required to pick up the remote, hit the "Guide" button, and actually see what was the title of the piece of shit. One person in the film did stand out to me though because he does in every film I've ever been unfortunate enough to have been subjected to him.



Judge Reinhold... Who the fuck names their child this? This must have been the catalyst for the modern era of naming children the dumbest fucking shit that your tiny mind can manage to cook up. It's not solely the name that contributes to the uselessness of this man as an actor, it's also the goofy fucking half-retarded demeanor that he seems to carry with him to every character that he portrays. Judge Reinhold playing a cop is actually worse than Keanu Reeves playing an FBI Agent in Point Break and that performance can be likened to stepping in a huge, steaming pile of dog shit in ones bare feet.

You're then forced to stand there for two hours while it oozes and melts between your toes as the smell eminates upward into your nostils affecting your olfactory senses like a choke hold on your throat. How the hell did this guy ever get an acting job in a Hollywood film? I wouldn't put this fucktard in a non-talking role advertising pre-stained tighty whiteys let alone a film I wanted people to pay to see. Somehow he managed to sustain a career for a short time though and people did pay to see his movies and I will never manage to wrap my mind around that. Thank god his career died with the decade!

New Inventions From Dillinger Enterprises

Here are some commercials for new inventions that I really think the world needs. Who knows, you might soon be seeing these in stores... I think these will be best sellers at a Walmart near you. When i get around to marketing them I'm going to see if I can't hire Vince from the "Shamwow" commercials to sell my crap.



1. I'm sure you've all heard of the new "miracle" fat reducing shit called "Hydroxycut" ....yeah that's the one... You've seen the commercials "I'm Douche, and being a new Doctor I have a lot of medical school debts to pay off. For that reason I'm willing to endorse any useless crap for a crisp ten spot!" Always some stupid slogan like that... "Are you a fat lazy piece of shit who wants to eat garbage all day and mold your couch cushions to your fat ass while you attract flies because you are too fucking lazy to even move to get a shower let alone work out? Have you looked into lyposuction but welfare just won't pay for it? If you've always wanted to have that dream body but have the willpower of an autistic kid, WELL NOW YOU CAN!... Dillinger Enterprises is proud to bring you "Lard Shears 3000" When you plug them into any 480 volt outlet, these extremely sharp and oversized shears will heat instantly to 1,000 degrees as they begin to vibrate like mom's old electric turkery carving knife. All you have to do is apply Lard Shears 3000 to those problem areas like inner thies or unwanted ponch and let them do the rest. Lard Shears 3000 will not only cut that unwanted fat away in a matter of minutes, the electrical shock will anesthetize and cotterize the wound while they work. Comes complete with suture kit (just in case) and one gallon of anesthesia (because you'll need that for 8 to 12 years afterwards). Now you can live out your dream of still being a lazy piece of shit who does nothing but sit on the couch, watch Oprah, and shovel big macs into your greasy fucking face. When your ass grows to the size of a 747 you can just pull out the shears and give that shit a trim. Just cut cut cut your way to that perfect body you've always wanted. We do not recommend this method, cut at your own risk, offer not valid in 48 states, void where prohibited. Get yours today for only 3 easy payments of $19.95

3. Are you an idiot, a moron, a mongoloid, or just a retard... time after time do you find yourself struggling with those difficult condoms, only to have to throw them away after they break. Do you find yourself constantly getting your 12 year old girlfriends pregnant? Maybe you're a cock-sucking, herpes infested trailer park bicycle who constantly gets knocked up by random men who you don't remember and who leave before you wake up in the morning? Those abortions everybody always talks about are so expensive and you might find yourself running out of room in the mobile home for any more kids? Fret no more because now there's a way to get all the feeling of bareback without having to worry about a 9th fatherless child to add to your collection with "Baby Be Gone Home Abortion Kit" Fuck the price, we're gonna do the world a favor we'll work with your broke ass to come up with a price you can afford just so there won't be one more stupid fucking idiot running around doing the same goddamn things you did in 10 years. Do not wait because this is a deal you won't find again. The "Baby Be Gone Home Abortion Kit" comes complete with a bottle of Jack Daniels, our patented Dillinger Enterprises brand morphine tabs (7000 times more powerful than pharmaceutical brand morphine), a scalpel, several pointy sticks, two metal coat hangers, and other assorted sharp objects to assist in nullifying the threat. You will also receive a set of sleek tongs for easy fetus removal. "Baby Be Gone Home Abortion Kit" should not be used past the 8th month of pregnancy unless you tell our operator upon ordering to upgrade your order to include our patented heavy duty baby removal tongs. We in no way recommend this method, condone it or suggest you perform the procedure drunk although we're quite sure you will because you are a fucking idiot!!

4. Do you ever get really bad headaches......we know you do because that pea sized brain in that huge fucking cranium of yours has to bounce around a lot and cause pain.....well we have something that will fix 'er right up for you. We'll just call it Dillinger Enterprises liquid headache medicine. The state liquor control board would call it illegal because it's 199.99 proof. This headache medicine will fix any bodily ache you have including AIDS. One shot and your body will instantly be too toxic for any ailment to possibly survive. Since this product has a lot of properties similar to benzine so we won't tell you that you will not die if you drink it. It's actually quite likely that you will die but the coroner will just think you drank jet fuel and we did warn you so we cannot be held liable. Enjoy!

5. Do you like the taste of freshly killed possum, skunk, and raccoon but you are too stupid to use a gun without killing yourself?... We have the product for you! You can now sit on your worthless ass and collect dust and welfare while you hunt... No more going out in the cold at 3 in the morning to get the jump on a creature that proves to be smarter than you are time and again. We at Dillinger Enterprises call it "The Death Machine 9000". "The Death Machine 9000" is most likely illegal in all states except possably Montana, Utah, Alabama, Tennesse, West Virginia, Texas, and Maybe Idaho. What is the "Death Machine 9000" you might ask. It is a highly accurate motion sensitive heavy machinegun that mounts to any hard surface (i.e. your house, a tree, your car)... whatever you want. Anyway... if anything moves within 400 meters of " The Death Machine 9000" it will begin belting out 900*.50 calber rounds per minute until that animal stops twitching or the machine runs out of ammunition. Don't get too excited and run right out to pick up dinner (if you can find anything left) or you might become an oversize number 2 pencil you stupid fuck... Despite our warning we know you will so it comes with full body kevlar (which will be ineffective anyhow, if you can figure out how to work it to begin with)......have a blast, get drunk, and enjoy a different woodsy delicacy every day. Only 3 easy payments of $125.95

6. Are you stupid, blind, retarded, or just a bad driver? Have you had many close calls with your life in car crashes because you are such a jackass you shouldn't be permitted on the road? Now you can feel safe and sound every time you get behind the wheel of that hoopty ass piece of shit you drive with the "Moron Launcher 5000" we call it that because with this product if you see a crash coming on you just push the easy to install dash button and the "Moron Launcher 5000 will eject your stupid ass straight up through the windshield and "up to 5000 feet SAFE" from your car and the deadly crash. Due to military grade C4 explosives used in this device we don't recommend that you smoke, hit bumps, poke, shoot, heat, shock, offend, or otherwise disturb the device once it has been installed you probably shouldn't even look at. GET YOURS TODAY AND NEVER FEEL UNSAFE DRIVING AGAIN!!

A Dream I Had A While Back & Happened To Write Down

I have decided that since I have so many weird, stupid, and fucked up dreams, I'm going to start putting them into blogs. This one I had 2 or 3 months ago but I happened to write it all down so I'll post it now.

The dream begins in an apartment. It’s a pretty nice “upper middle-class” styling and fairly quaint. This is the apartment of a friend’s family and I’m with that friend. I treat this person and he treats me as though we’ve known each other for years. There is another friend there too and we treat him with like regard. I get the feeling that we’re probably only somewhere right around 18 years old in the dream but it’s not ever mentioned. There’s nothing distinguishing about either of these two characters. Neither friend has a name as far as I’m aware, never is a name actually attributed to either one and they aren’t familiar people from real life. They actually make me think of the type of people cast as friends in a slightly dark “coming of age” tale for lack of a better way to put it. Some sort off "Stand By Me" type of crap with an evil twist.

The father of the friend who lives in the apartment is present but not on hand, as is a little sister whose name is Lucy (and isn't really little or all that young her age tends to change drastically from the beginning to the end), and a little brother whose name I’m not aware of. The view from the apartment does not match the interior. There’s large kitchen window in what is effectively the front of the apartment and this is maybe several feet from the front door of the place which sits slightly back and to the left. Out of the kitchen window I can clearly see that we’re at least 3 to 4 stories above a train yard.

There are 4 sets of tracks separated from several more (not sure how many) sets of tracks by an old depot style building. On the near side and to the right of the apartment from the view of the window is another building that appears to be some sort of rundown factory. Not abandoned but very dilapidated in appearance. In the dream I didn’t really find this to be odd at all. There is some small talk among the 3 friends at first which is about nothing in particular. The father joins in at one point and adds a little to what we’re discussing. The two other siblings are present but not visible, Lucy is playing loudly in another room, with the little brother. Lucy must be 14 or 15’ish. This comes to light in a realization of two things later on in the dream.

I can’t pinpoint the exact spots in the dream or what triggers it but I find myself thinking about the friend’s family later on, what about their safety. Lucy especially, she’s got light blonde, medium length, wavy hair, and she’s petit. At first I remember thinking “she’ll be very pretty when she’s a little older.” In the same thought I brushed that off feeling slightly ashamed because she was too young to even think that about but it was recurring during the dream as things got bad. Moving ahead, after a short while we decided to go out. As we left I remember our intention was to get “supplies” for a family train trip which was to end up at the beach. We never did get to the beach. No matter, moving on.

On the outside the world took on a whole new ominous feeling that made me feel like my life was sheltered. It was as though I was all of the sudden preparing to go into a battle that I had no idea how to prepare for, or as though I was just thrown helpless into a part of a city with a bad reputation. I remember as I stood on the steel grated balcony/front step (almost old style fire escape-like) of his apartment, staring at the train yard I felt anxiety, bordering on fear but I couldn’t determine why. It wasn’t anything physical that scared me, the yard or the trains, but something that I wasn’t aware of and hadn’t seen. We descended the stairs and it was obvious my friends did not have the same reservations that I did. When we reached the bottom they jogged diagonally across the tracks making a point to walk along, balancing on the far tracks as we walked away from the factory building toward the end of the depot building and a rocky, wooded area that clearly didn’t lead to anywhere important.

This was a tangible divide between the city and the country but both were hard and dark. Both caused the same sense of something terribly wrong yet to come. They struck me as so different, complete opposites, yet neither prospect gave me any comfort. I have no idea where we went while we traveled and have no recollection of what occurred while we were there. Memory breaks back in when we return from the forest. We’re walking slowly and chatting and my comfort is apparently higher than it had been, the sense something being wrong is mostly gone. His apartment is in view but there’s no indication that at this time it is our destination. I get the feeling we’re planning on going past and toward the factory. As we walk my friend stops in his tracks.

I only barely noticed him stopping and had yet to react when from his position in the middle of the three of us he slaps us both in the chest with straightened arms and flat palms and whispers but with great urgency “stop.” Then he says “get down” and we all crouch and I’m straining to adjust my eyes on a man standing in the distance. He’s far away, past the factory and he’s not moving but he’s facing our direction. I think to myself what good is crouching, he’s already seen us, there’s no way he couldn’t have. We sit there unmoving for a minute as does the man in the distance. He’s holding something large but I can’t see what it is. It’s clear that my friend is concerned with this person but I sit quietly trying to figure out for myself who this is and why he’s a problem.

As I do this my friend seems reacts, standing up, grabbing us by the collars and fiercely urging us upward into a standing position while saying run. It’s clear that he means the other direction. I start to backpedal while keeping my eyes on the man in the distance. The figure makes a motion that I recognize with his hands and the object that he’s holding. A moment later I realize what has happened and it all starts to make sense. The guy was holding a chainsaw and he’s just started it. I hear the roar of the saw as he revs its engine. I can’t actually, but in my mind as I wobble backwards I can see the teeth on the chain in slow motion as they cut the air. Now the feelings of earlier rush back with force, terror is mixed with thoughts of why and who is this. Thoughts come back to me of the family in the apartment, mostly Lucy and her much younger brother (5 or 6 years old).

It’s clear after a moment though that he has no interest in the apartment. We’re the visible ones, we’re the ones he’s after. As I follow my friends who now have a slight lead on me I realize they’re heading for the corner of the depot behind us. I follow them around the building and across the tracks heading for another series of buildings that weren’t previously visible. My friend kicks through a door that he obviously knows will open but with difficulty. The door breaks loose with a loud cracking thud and we all rush though. As I go through the door I’m met with darkness that’s only broken by a few rays of light entering through broken windows 2 floors up like large flashlight beams shooting across the building at 45 degree angles. My friend pushes the door closed and wedges it back into its rusted frame with his shoulder much more carefully and quietly than he entered. He says “follow me and be careful, watch your step,” we don’t question and follow behind.

He goes to the right along the wall and up some more steel grated stairs to a landing, turn and go upward to the next floor. I don’t like the fact we’re going up instead of out but I can see there are stairs on both sides as the sun is hitting them, and the walkway connecting them goes around both sides. I realize now I’m wearing jeans and a black shirt, I think to myself for a minute “at this point I’m happy I own a lot of dark clothing.” When we reach to second floor we cross above and past the doorway we entered heading toward the opposite end of the building where it’s not clear that there are offices. Just as we reach the offices the same door we came in on the ground floor slams open like it was hit by a car. The force sounds like it should have removed it from its hinges.

My friend doesn’t even look back, he continues much more slowly and deliberately now walking toward the offices heading for a door that is slightly open. I can see our pursuer standing in the doorway listening and looking around. In the light and only 100 meters away now he looks huge and even more scary, if that’s even possible. I turn slowly and follow my friend into the door not bothering to even try to shut it. My friend had squeezed past it almost appearing to try to hold it in place. I took this as a sign that I shouldn’t move it either, he probably did it because it squeaks or something. Once through the door and safely out of site we make our way more quickly through the offices and the darkness with surprising ease. No movie type slip-ups here.

We move into a locker room area and out the other side through a hole in the shower room
wall. Down a hall and into another office where there’s a dead end. At least, I thought it was a dead end. There’s a mirror on the wall and my friend walks over to it and pushes on the top left corner which pops the mirror out and lets it open revealing a door. Inside is a small room almost like a secret office of sorts. My friend pulls the mirror back closed and pulls a latch across so that it won’t pop out again until it’s released. I can feel the floor under me is padded, like there’s carpet or something. Then in the darkness I feel the wall and it’s padded too. This place is sound proofed and intended to be as secretive as it appears. All of the sudden in the opposite corner of the room a small red light blinks on.

I snap my head over and fix my eyes to it. It takes me a moment to register that it is in fact my friend and he’s holding a military style flashlight which is pointed down at the ground. He motions me to come over and aims the dim red light at the floor in front of me so I can see. We all take a seat on at a nearby desk and he flips a switch which lights up a small series of monitors mounted on a desk. There are night vision cameras mounted all over this place. Though one of the monitors (top right monitor out of a grid of 12, marked sector 4) our pursuer is clearly visible ascending the stairs toward the office door we entered. At this point I stop thinking only of escape and start thinking “ok figure this out, what are we going to do, what do I need to know.”

The first thing that pops in my head is who the fuck is this guy which I quietly but forcefully snap at my friend. Who the fuck is this guy and why the fuck is he chasing us with a chainsaw. My friend who doesn’t find this nearly as disturbing as I obviously do calmly says “I have no idea who he is.” I reply… well why did you know to stop us out there and why did you tell us to run even before he fired up that damn saw.” My friend says “well I’ve encountered him before, I mean I knew he existed and that he’s a psychotic but I don’t actually know who he is.” I snap, "you mean to tell me there’s this fucker who wants to kill you and now myself, by association and you didn’t feel the need to inform me of this fucking fact before you brought me out here." “He’s not always around” replied my friend “I didn’t figure it was that likely he would show up.”

I’m pissed now, I punch him in the shoulder with as much force as I can muster which apparently is enough to spin him around and nearly put him face first on the floor. He sits back up and says “dick” to which I say, “there a guy chasing and trying to kill me with a chainsaw and this is your fault, you’re lucky that’s all you got.” “Now, what are we going to do about this situation into which you have gotten us?” My friend is not the least bit worried I can tell as we discuss the issue at hand. He’s fully aware of this guy and his purpose and it doesn’t bother him. In fact, the more my friend talks the more I think he sees this as an amusing game as he does a dire situation. Even when the guy is at in the room adjacent to us that has the mirror we used to get in here, my friend is not concerned.

He tells me he’s hidden in here many times and the guy has never figured it out. I’m pissed, my only thought is it’s a matter of time until he does and I just hope this isn’t that time. I can see the guy up close now on a camera in the room. This guy is fucked up. His face looks like a sort off human head shaped hamburger patty. It’s all bloody like he has been carving in it. Sort of like “leatherface” but not so much really. He has a look of being slightly retarded about him on top of being deranged. Not a “haha you retard” “special olympics” type of retarded, a really fucking scary retarded that I’m not fully familiar with. He’s huge as well, he appears to be nearly a foot taller than myself judging by object proximity. I think to myself no way, I’m almost 6 foot that would put him at 7 foot.

He was also huge, with shoulders like I would picture a Viking. He looks to be a solid 275 pounds at least. This guy is exploring the room looking for us and my friend I can see in the corner is texting somebody. Now I’m pissed. I start quietly berating him to figure out how the fuck to get out of here because if that guy is going to kill me I’m going to kill you I tell him. He tells me to relax, he has weapons. What the hell? Weapons in here? He opens another section of wall and one at a time pulls out three M4 completely modded out with what is way more shit than I need on it but I happily take it. He hands me several magazines and tells me to stash them cause I’ll need them. I said “but it’s one guy with no gun” and my friend says “but you won’t be able to kill him you’ll only slow him down and piss him off.”

I said well why would I want to piss him off to which my friend replied. So you can get away from him said my friend who I was starting dislike at this point. Then I realized that he said I wouldn’t be able to kill him and said what the fuck are you talking about I can’t kill him. Who doesn’t die when shot enough times? “I have no idea” he said “this guy doesn’t die, I’ve tried to kill him, several times, but he comes back.” We wait forever and eventually the guy leaves. We discuss the situation and a bunch more shit takes place. We finally think the guy is gone but we bring the weapons and exit a back escape hatch that is like trash chute but less steep. We start running for the depot trying to get back to the apartment. We’re running and hiding and shooting this guy who apparently was not gone, then we end up leaving that building.

We end up running the other direction toward the factory on the other side of the tracks. Crossing on the other side of the depot as before. As we run toward the foundry there is chainsaw man standing on the stairs of the depot. Now chainsaw man immediately gives chase. We’re running and shooting him at the same time but he’s catching up getting dangerously close. I unload a few rounds into his head from about 20 meters and he goes down but not all the way. He goes to a knee and then gets back up. I’m already running again. We run past a guy who yells at us. He’s sitting in an office and apparently he calls the cops cause he saw our guns. I don’t know what became of him but we’re running from chainsaw guy who at some point we apparently lost. I found this out when we got to the downstairs garage area of this place and were surrounded by cops. I couldn’t figure out how the hell they got there so fast.

I knew they were called by the guy we just passed 30 seconds before and this was ridiculous. They made us give up our weapons which I then promptly claimed that I did not ever have nor did I fire a weapon. Even though they just took it from me they believed me. They said brushed my hands with this stuff that tests for powder residue from having fired a weapon. That came up negative which I couldn’t figure out. They said ok young man, you may go, be careful, watch for trains. I remember thinking “trains are the least of my worries right now” I ran as fast as I could forgetting the friends who were still being questioned. I headed for the apartment taking the stairs 3 at a time. I banged on the door but nobody came. I kept banging but nothing. Finally I turned the knob and it opened.

I went in and looked around and yelled for Lucy since she’s the only name I knew but nobody answered. Now I’m afraid and unarmed and therefore not in the mood to walk through the darkening house as dusk is nearing. I’m not really up for catching an unpleasant surprise and I’m fully aware if anybody was alive in the house they’d have said something. As I run back outside the whole place has taken a completely new appearance. The depot isn’t abandoned anymore. The place is lighted and running. Trains are coming through and people are walking about. Then like somebody punched me in the head, it hurt, physically hurt, I see the family on a train. I don’t know which train but I know it’s going to crash.

I now have to figure out how to help them but in my head I see a track switch lever that I know must be where I need to go. It’s several miles down the tracks I somehow know. I stole a car to get there I guess, I knew that, though the actually getting of the car and getting there wasn’t in the dream that I can recall. I was simply there, standing at the lever by a small building with some street lights lighting the forest around me. The lever was stuck and the train was coming with another coming the other way on the same track. I pulled and pulled as the train got almost right there it started to move and was about half way when the train hit the messed up tracks and derailed. The first car came off the tracks at quite a fast speed and right toward the lever platform I was on. I dove up and over the tracks with the two trains as the derailing one started slamming into the other train one coming the opposite direction on the same track which was now derailing as well from the same broken tracks.

I landed on a downhill slope in the woods and rolled down the hill finally slamming into a tree and stopping. Above me the cars were slamming and piling up and some were burning. I was knocked out for 2 or 3 minutes, but the time I woke the crash was over. I dragged myself to my feet and scrambled back up the hill. I kept having visions of where I needed to go. I found some cars piled that I had to get into, I didn’t know why or who was in them but I had to get in. I smashed a window with a rock and crawled in since it was now laying propped against a tree. When I got inside I saw Lucy laying toward the back of the train not moving. I freaked out and ran to the back where she was. As I got there something exploded behind me. The blast slammed me face first against the back of the car which happened to be a door.

I hit the door hard enough that it completely came off the hinges. Dazed I got back up and went back in the car. I picked her up and walked back out. There were other people in there who weren’t dead but couldn’t get up and I just ignored them. I got outside with her and took her pulse, she was alright, and she was breathing so I started talking to her. After a couple minutes she woke up. I was trying to ask her about her family and she tried to get up, she wanted to get her little brother. She didn’t know what happened at this point. She got hysterical and tried to get up but I made her lay there. She had gone to get food in a different car than her family. I didn’t want to leave her but I told her I’d find them and I left to do that. I looked back several times as I went to be sure she was alright. The last time I looked back I woke up.