Monday, April 6, 2009

I Hate Amish and I Want Them Off My Roads!

I'm going to assume that most of you who read this know what Amish are. They're ever present in Northwestern Pennsylvania like the glistening of spittle on the lip of a mongoloid. I get the privilege to deal with them on a daily basis during my commute to work. The locals seem to co-exist with these creature reasonably, even happily it would seem from an outsider's point of view.

My boss also harbors a deep resentment for them and calls "Omnoids" which I don't find all that funny. I attribute this to a lack of creativity manifesting itself in the nickname choosing capabilities of simple minded country folk who are not far from Amish themselves. I, on the other hand, prefer "Omlet" however, that only seems appropriate for the miniature versions. For this reason I just refer to them as largely oversized and painfully polite gnats.

Why such anger and hostility toward these nice folk you might venture to ponder? Well it's not really so much anger and hostility toward them, it's just that I'm a hateful asshole. That isn't my fault though, it's the fact that I have to drive an hour to work and then be annoyed by various things without respite for upwards of 8 to 10 hours at a time 5 days a week. This breeds some level of angst which develops into anger when left unattended for long periods of time.

(Note: I actually just recently switched 4 x 10 hour days which has lowered my anger levels a bit which probably brings my blood pressure to somewhere around 160 / 110)

Anyhow, only so much of this can be dissipated with what some would refer to as a borderline insane workout regimen that I impose on myself daily in order to beat the hostility out of myself. When that doesn't work well enough I engage in my second favorite past-time which is reckless consumption of obnoxious amounts of expensive vodka over short periods of time.

Now that we have the amateur psychological self-evaluation out of the way we shall continue on to my point. When I'm on my way to work I don't want slowed down, it takes long enough as it is. When I'm on my way home I don't want to be slowed either, I have shit to do and barely any time to myself. Now some would say I need to relax and not drive so fast and they can fuck off.

Fact of the matter is I don't really drive that fast. I can't because apparently nowadays you get like 4 points per speeding ticket and can only accumulate 6 before the DOT or the Road Gestapo as I know them, will impose sanctions upon you. DOT sanctions lead to even more angst and great personal hardship. For this reason I stick close to the speed limit which most of the way is un-posted and therefore 55mph. I can deal with 55 if I fucking must, maybe 60ish on an particularly impatient day.

I might add that PennDOT can fuck themselves. This is the kind of service we receive from them when they're supposed to be doing their job.


Now back to the amish. My problem is that an amish buggy traveling at top speed only moves about as fast as a frightened opossum.


A frightened opossum is fine in it's intended form and when crossing the road in a direct manner. The problem arises when this creature is the size of a small suv, and made out of wood by people who make shit out of wood for a living. Those motherfuckers are sturdy and they take up an entire lane on a two lane road that is barely the size of a normal 1.5 lanes.

One horsepower is not much, especially when pulling a family of 14 highly inbred individuals. (Note: one horse pulling a buggy filled to the brim with people for miles at a time, up hill... isn't that animal cruelty? I think it is, PETA, please make yourselves useful for a minute and look into this issue.)

Anyhow, half of these people look like 18th century down syndrome victims (thus the previous "mongoloid" reference), and the other half look like mis-dressed taliban fighters minus the shit covered left hand and with a few less fleas. Imagine my unhappiness when the down syndrom taliban who manage to get out of the taxes that I have to pay for the upkeep of the roads, still get to use the roads I'm paying for.

I want equal taxation for equal services and I don't give a fuck what stupid-ass religion you CHOOSE to follow. If I make a bunch of shit up, put it in a nice little book, and say I don't believe in paying taxes the only thing I'm going to get out of is my freedom when they toss my ass in jail so fuck the amish!

What makes it even worse is that these fucking assholes are also fearless. They giddyup their slow moving,roadblocking, suicide-machines right out from side roads just tens of meters in front of cars with the conviction of a technologically stunted Evil Kneival! There is absolutely no thought about the icy goddamn hand of death in the form of two tons of roaring steel, bearing down on them with the ferocity of a half-starved great white shark on a sea lion with mere seconds to react. They don't even stop, they don't slow down, I don't even think they look, they just go.

1/4 of these massive wooden speed bumps is actually operated by children, not even of legal driving age in the real world. Is a 12 year old in a miniature cart attached to a skittish pony really a good idea on the roadway? NO IT ISN'T! Mind you, these kids aren't smart, they will walk down the middle of a lane in failing light wearing all black, on the wrong side of the road, thinking nothing of it. They run across in front of cars, they ride busted-ass toys on the road, they're downright hazardous to their own health as well as that of the public.


It is of no help that they also paint their giant wheel mounted woodsheds in an inconspicuous mat black paint that is nearly invisible against the backdrop of the countryside. When in the shade, direct sunlight, failing light of dusk or early morning they are hidden in plain site like a ghillie suit clad sniper on a grassy hillside. They are required to post a reflective triangle on the back of their moving box of death but this tends to be inconsistent in size and visibility and therefore helps very little.

It is a rather harrowing experience to come around a bend at 55 mph and there they are directly in front of you. I find myself often having to take rapid evasive action that in my mind rivals that of a fighter pilot being evading an enemy aircraft in a desperate attempt to avoid catastrophic collision. This becomes quickly tiresome. Within the walls of my imagination I see the potential impact as resembling that of high explosive ordinance striking a wooden amunition shed.

Possibly more likely it would resemble a fully loaded log truck at downhill speed striking a van sized match box that was loaded with both matches and several human sized party balloons filled with bright red mud when all is said and done. Either way the effect would not be a happy event for any parties involved.

Most of the time the locals won't even pass Amish until there's a half mile perfectly open stretch of road. This usually causes a half mile long line of vehicles in a countrified traffic jam that in my eyes rivals the Jersey turnpike nearing NYC at morning rush hour it really is no less asinine. Is it really reasonable that those of us who pay our taxes and have places to be, have to wait for these fuckers? My life is really limited for time to accomplish what I need to accomplish as it is without that extra 20 minutes of total 10 mph of driving behind the tard-boxes.

I'm quite sure when somebody traveling at in a legal manner on a public roadway does turn one of these medieval machines into a shit stain on the highway, they'll probably do time for it. Would it really be their fault? If you want to live in an 18th century world then fine, who am I to judge, just do it someplace where there aren't other people like out the fuck in the mountains of Montana.

The problem arises when you want to also co-exist with the rest of us and use our resources as suits you in the moment. I think a decision needs to be made, I think they need to stay off the roads before something really bad happens. If I pass a splattered Amish family on the side of the road, I can honestly say I won't be the least bit surprised. I actually am quite sure I'll figure, it's about time, as I continue on my way without even a hint of sadness.

I currently look at them as equals to deer on the road. They don't belong there and unfortunately you can't just run them over. There isn't a hunting season to properly thin the population enough to rid us of the problem. Unfortunately I'm sure it will take some horrific disaster for anybody to even consider the issue and even then the prerequisite of total incompetence and lack of common sense required to become a government official from the bottom of the ladder all the way to the top, will still prevent a reasonable decision from being made in the general direction of eradicating this issue.

As usual, the vast majority will have to compromise and even suffer in order to accommodate the minority. They'll probably lower the speed limit to 25 and say it'll fix this problem and our issue with gluttonous consumption of petroleum products. I fucking hate this country!

(oh shut up before you even say it, I hate all the others too so don't give me the best country in the world "if you don't like it get out" happy-ass-horseshit. If you paint a turd gold it is still a turd)


Yay for stupidity!

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