Here's One For The Parents

I need a break from politics for a minute to catch my breath again so I decided to write on something less stressful. Do you do nothing else all day long except think of ways your child might get hurt. Do you want to pad your child from any and all contact with the world and the potentially injurious things contained within it? Here are some bike safety tips that will help.

Bike helmets are as important to your child's safety as the bike's brakes or well-inflated tires. You will want to make sure your child does a walk around inspection of his or her bike prior to each and every ride. The inspection should take at least 10 minutes and if any malfunctions or potential problems are found the child should be presented with tags for tagging the bike out for maintenance. Once this is done and the bike is deemed safe, the child must be required to don his/her properly constructed cranial safety protective device.

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers this advice about beginning the helmet habit at the earliest age possible: This means as soon as the child exits the vagina a helmet should be placed on him/her because the danger begins immediately! (Warning: It is possible that the following American Academy of Pediatrics information was slightly edited by yours truly, but only in the name of making your child safer)

Make helmets a rule as soon as your child is on a bike, either as a passenger or the driver. If the child does not at first want to obey the rule and refuses to do as told then you should try one of several things. Ask the child again, and again, repeatedly and firmly but do not raise your voice. Threaten a 30 second "time out" to think about his/her noncompliance. Child does not get to watch favorite television show today (you'll want to be sure to tivo it and allow it tomorrow instead, otherwise it would be considered cruel). If none of these steps work repeat repeatedly until one of them does.

Make sure you set a good example and wear a helmet, too. If you look like a douche, along with your child, the child is less likely to become aware of the douchiness... at least for a while.

Explain to your child why it's important to wear a helmet, including the protection it provides. Impressing the importance of this upon the child may be difficult but it is imperative that you convince the child that a horrifying death is certain if he/she fails to wear the helmet. *tip: showing car crash photos containing gore and split skulls with leaking brain matter may be of assistance*

Talk about how a bike must be used safely and properly. A bike is certainly not intended for fun. The child must know that horseplay will not be tolerated and can be very dangerous. Never allow the child to take part in the following activities:

jumping the bike off ramps, riding off road, riding outside the yard, wheelies, one handed riding, no handed riding, racing, riding at a rapid pace, anything else that makes the child feel alive or smile.

Offer praise or a little treat when your child wears a helmet. Eventually you will brainwash the child into properly realizing that taking risk is very bad and that safety and reward will be given for being an obedient follower of asinine rules.

Don't ever allow your child to go for a ride without a helmet. If the child is allowed to ride for even 1 second without a helmet, death will occur with unprecedented stealth and violence.

Encourage your child's playmates also to wear helmets. It is a near certainty that you are the only parent in the neighborhood who actually knows what is best for kids. You are all knowing and enlightened and the other parents are simply unfit and ignorant of your progressive and child safe ways. For these reasons it is up to you to not only impose your rules upon your own children, but to step in and compensate for the poor parenting around you. Remember, with your superior knowledge and parenting ability, you can make the culdesac a better AND SAFER place for all!

Next I will answer a question that was submitted to DEAR ABBY and a response to that letter from another reader.

DEAR ABBY: "Lisa in Phoenix" (June 12) questioned whether taking her 7-year-old son into the ladies' room would be better than having her wait outside the men's room. You advised her to stand outside the men's room and announce loudly that she will be "waiting right there." Abby, children have been violated in a matter of seconds in the play areas of fast food restaurants with the parents RIGHT THERE!

This is absolutely right "Vigilant Mom." Did you know that there are molesters hiding behind the doors of 9/10 public restrooms nowadays! That's a fact! Bet you didn't also know that it only takes .173 seconds for the average molester to spot a child, get wood, lick his molestache, pull down his pants, and plug your child's bum, did you? He'll be done and gone by the time the stopwatch hits the 2 second mark!

As a mother, I feel the advice you gave Lisa will give her a false sense of security and put her child in danger. I would have told Lisa that before they go anywhere, she should make sure her son goes to the bathroom at home. If he has to go while they are out, she should go to the men's room, knock on the door and announce that she is with a child. If there is no answer, GO IN AND BE SURE NO ONE IS INSIDE. If she's uncomfortable doing it, ask an employee to check. Then wait outside the bathroom. If a man needs to go in, she can explain the situation. Never assume that simply standing guard outside the door will deter a molester. They couldn't care less. -- VIGILANT MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA

The only thing "Vigilant Mom" forgot to add was that she should also be sure to stand behind Little Billy to protect his bum from a molester rush attack. She will also want to hold his little wee-wee for him because if it is left unattended it may be subject to a ninja-molester-groping. There are so many countless dangers that she will likely want to continue this until Billy begins dating. This will ensure that the child will grow up un-molested and perfectly adjusted to life in the real world.

I would like to suggest some additional alternatives. How about this "Vigilant Mom." How about you stay the fuck out of the mens room because I will walk in and piss whether you're in there and would like me to wait or not. You're child is going to grow up to be a giant vagina anyhow so maybe you should just take his pansy-ass into the womens room where he's going to go anyhow after he turns 18, changes his name to "Pandora" and starts wearing women's underwear and stilletos.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Yeah there are some freaks and nutters out there but there always have been. In modern times the freaks and nutters just make the news and get more played up than they used to. Let your fucking child take a leak on his own, he'll be fine. If you're in a public park in Washington D.C. then the worst that will happen is a Republican Congressman may tap his foot under the stall in proposition. The child won't understand this anyhow and will receive no mental scars.

Let the child ride his goddamn bike without a helmet if he wants. Let the fucking kid have fun. I grew up in a time where bike helmets barely even existed and the only kid who wore one was an outcast we called lord helmet and sprayed with the garden hose as he rode by. We all survived our childhoods without a billion and one rules and most of us grew up normal and probably more well adjusted because if we were allowed to hit our head or scrape our knee from time to time we learned lessons from it. Let your fucking child grow up and learn something. It's no wonder the up and coming generations can't even wipe their own asses without expecting a reward for it. It's going to take years of therapy to undo the trauma that this sort of parenting is creating.