Friday, September 18, 2009

Why I Hate Other Drivers

I'll never understand why people are so stupid. This one is dedicated to some of my new found friends on the road today.

To all of you people who speed up when somebody tries to pass you.

Why the hell do you do this? There are so many of you it's ridiculous. If you want to go a particular speed then go that speed. If you want to drive in front of me then you are going to have to drive faster than me. This isn't subjective, this is a requirement. If you want to go 60 miles per hour in a 65 mph zone then fine, I don't have a problem with this but when I come up behind you and put on my turn signal and you speed up that makes you an idiot.

If you just weren't paying attention and slowed down as a result, you're still an idiot. If you realized that you're an idiot and you're now going to pay attention and speed up then fine, you can stay in front of me if it means that much to you. I use my cruise control, you should try it, it helps you to not be an idiot. If you continue to slow down until I'm on your ass and then speed up when I try to pass, don't make the "what did I do" gesture when you get the middle finger salute as I finally do pass you.

To all of you who tailgate when there's absolutely no reason to tailgate.

Where there are 4 lanes from which you may choose and traffic is relatively light, why the fuck must you be up my ass like a generic suppository? What the hell is preventing you from passing? Seriously, if you would like to go faster than I am going then go around you moron. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to not slam on my brakes and cause you to slam into me then sue the shit out of you.

I might actually consider doing just this if there wasn't a chance that it would cause a 20 car pile up behind us because the rest of the cocksuckers behind you are probably doing the same damn thing. Do you people realize that this is what actually causes traffic jams. One person taps their brakes then everybody following too close behind must hit them longer and longer until the wave goes back and totally stops traffic. You're all retards and I hope one day that you're doing it and a dump truck slams on it's brakes.

To the guy with 6 feet of carpet and padding rolled up and strapped to your roof.

Holy shit buddy! What the hell are you thinking? You had 3, maybe 4 thin ropes holding enough carpet and padding to fill a football field onto the roof of that van! (readers: I kid you not, it was at least 5 to 6 feet high) That is way too much shit to be on the roof, granted you were driving at 40 mph on a 65 speed limit road and holding up traffic like a bastard but I would be amazed if you reached your destination with your load. A little bit would be one thing, but if you can't fit the shit in your car, make an extra trip, you're a jackass.

To the guy who lost his couch on 70 in Maryland.

Was it a nice couch? Apparently not since you didn't feel the need to stop and pick it up. It was nice of you to leave it there. It was like a fun obstacle course on the highway, dodging cusions and shattered shards of your broken-ass couch. My having to swerve to miss the debris you left for me was a minor inconvenience and well worth it knowing that you were probably a dumbass like carpet padding guy and will now have to sit on the floor while you watch television.

P.S. To all of the listed above and many, many more. Do you know what a turn signal is? It's a little blinky fucking light that you turn on when you want to turn (go figure), it also works when you want to change lanes. This helps other drivers know when you're going to cut in front of them without actually looking to see what may be beside or behind you.

One final person I must address. This person wasn't driving... at the time... I don't think... he probably was.

To the guy who threw the condom on the sidewalk beside the parking lot. You are a filthy fucking bastard. I hope your horrible festering dick falls right the fuck off. I take that back, I hope a rabid antelope attacks you gnaws your junk into an unrecognizable pulp. I would settile for falling under the lawnmower and mulching it instead so you will never have need of another condom, EVER!

If I knew who you were I would save up condoms for the next 25 years, hunt you down, and fill your home with them while you're away. When you finally got it cleaned up I would hire vagrants to break in and piss all over all of your new furniture! Littering is one thing, throw your shit away you lazy fuck, but this is a whole new level. I hope you get hit by a bus.

1 comment:

Xul said...

Sounds like you live in my neck of the woods!