Tuesday, January 19, 2010

More Completely Rational and Very Perceptive Accusations From Big Hugo

Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez has had yet another one of his shining revelations on Sunday.  Chavez, who’s friends know him as “the crazy, paranoid, asshole in charge” accused the United States of using the earthquake in Haiti as a pretext to occupy the devastated Caribbean country and offered to send fuel from his OPEC nation.

It is a fact that Haiti is strategic to the United States in so many ways it could make one’s head spin.  Haiti is located in the Ocean which means it’s practically made out of gold.  Not only is Haiti in the ocean but it’s also just Southeast of the beautiful island resort destination of the stars... Cuba.  Actually, now that I think about it, that joke is rather ironic considering how close to commie most of the misinformed fucktards in Hollywood actually are.

Orrr... Haiti is approximately 10714 square miles of uneducated, poverty stricken, psuedo-war-zone which now, also, has very little real-estate left either.  (I use the term real-estate very loosely... In this case it refers to anything a person can dwell in, on, or under, such as a piece of metal, several boards tied together with a haggard piece of rope, a refrigerator box, etc.)

"I read that 3,000 soldiers are arriving, Marines armed as if they were going to war. There is not a shortage of guns there, my God. Doctors, medicine, fuel, field hospitals, that's what the United States should send," Chavez said on his weekly television show which is translated into English as Hello Megalomaniacal Socialist Dictator.  Ok, maybe I lied about that part, it’s actually Hello President, he calls himself the President, isn’t that cute. "They are occupying Haiti undercover” he continued.

Chavez does have a point.  Why send all the troops, why not just send the medical supplies, generators, fuel, food, etc., there and let the people distribute it amongst themselves?  Surely the people of Haiti, though violent and fairly lawless before the quake, will have come together in an exemplary show of humanity and kindness.  I can see it now, the stronger would fairly and evenly ration everything out to their poorer and weaker brethren.  It is simply not conceivable to think that people would turn to looting , lynch mobs and general violence to solve their problems.

It is another common fact that, the United States is trying desperately to snag this wonderful prospect before all of the other vultures get their hands on it.  Chavez sees through the ruse and realizes that what America is always trying to obtain.  What America can never get enough of, is emaciated, uneducated, French speaking black men and women with no employable skills whatsoever (other than the ability to reproduce).  If only we can gain control of Haiti, the world shall kneel before our greatness once more!      

Chavez continued in saying “on top of that, you don't see them in the streets. Are they picking up bodies? ... Are they looking for the injured? You don't see them. I haven't seen them. Where are they?"  Upon further investigation it was determined by Chavez’s optometrist that he had in fact not seen them and there were fortunately no discernible vision problems involved.  As it turns out, and was pointed out by one of Chavez’s top aids, El Presidente Chavez was facing South at the time.  When told that in order to see them his Excellent Presidente would need to turn to the slight Northwest he repeatedly shuffled his feet about without actually turning and continued to say “I still don’t see them!”  The aid that pointed out Chavez's direction miscalculation was “unavailable forever for comment.”

Chavez promised to send as much gasoline as Haiti needs for electricity generation and transport.  This is fortunate because gasoline is exactly what Haiti needs to run its impressive fleet of trucks to transport goods, people, and services.

What makes this even better is that the one generator on the island also runs on gasoline.  Even if the fleet of trucks were to fail and the generator were to break, the people of Haiti needn’t fear because Hugo’s generous and relevant gift of Gasoline is so delicious and nutritious they will at least not continue to go hungry.

A perennial foe of U.S. "imperialism," Chavez said he did not wish to diminish the humanitarian effort made by the United States and was only questioning the need for so many troops.  This is very true because there aren’t more than a handful of large, violent factions/gangs in the whole country.  Not more than several hundred small, armed, bands willing to kill for a snickers bar, or steal whatever else they want.  And there are not more than a few thousand firearms to be had for use by these factions.  It’s true Hugo, there is no need for all these troops.  Why all the soldiers America?  Hugo and I know what you’re up to, and we have our eyes on you!

The United States is sending more than 5,000 Marines and soldiers to Haiti, and a hospital ship is due to arrive later this week.  You may have remembered Chavez saying on his show that hospitals were needed and the U.S. was sending troops instead of those.  This is true as well, and you should be aware that he said they needed field hospitals.  This is because hospital ships don’t count, the hospital must be in the field in order to work.  Without the field hospital on dry land it is simply useless.  Bandages, medicines, food, etc., simply don’t work while on boats and the United States should know this.

Venezuela has sent several planes to Haiti with Venezuelan citizens who have been told that they are doctors, aid and some citizens who have been appointed as soldiers. A Russia-Venezuela mission was set to leave Venezuela on Monday carrying aid on Russian planes.  Which were build in 1971 and are the absolute, top of the line (though slightly rusty... and drafty) aircraft in the Russian fleet.  It is guaranteed that most of the Russia-Venezuela fleet will arrive safe and sound in Haiti eventually.

Chavez said Venezuela's planes were the first to land in Haiti after Tuesday's 7.0 magnitude earthquake, which wrecked the capital Port-Au-Prince and killed as many as 200,000 people.  Chavez also said that his planes were the first to land on Mars and that he invented the internet before Al Gore.  Chavez also insisted that polar bears are American undercover agents attempting to secure the prime real-estate in the arctic regions, and the United States is in fact the one who killed Jesus.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm Sick of Haiti... No, Really, I Don't Care At All

It turns out that Haiti rattled and fell down.  Oh no, boo-hoo, what in the world shall we ever do.  Have you seen this in the news?  I thought so, it’s in all the news every second all day long since it happened.  Now all those poor Haitians are poor and hungry and don’t have any homes to live in.  We need to send them money!  All the celebrities are telling us so.  That must be because Brad and Angelina must simply not have the funds to help and plain old you and I do.  (I’m surprised they haven’t adopted the whole country already) President Big Ears is telling us so but we’re all aware that he simply loves a chance to flush money down the shitter. 

Frankly, I’m fucking sick of it.  I’m sick and tired of it all, I simply don’t care at all what happens to Haiti.  Must be because I’m racist huh?  Maybe it’s simply because I don’t care about black people?  There will be those who will say both.  It’s partly true, I don’t care about black people I don’t know.  I also don’t care about white people I don’t know either.  Unless you prove otherwise, it can be done, being actually from my own country is a good start.  I'm all about getting my own problems straight before I work on yours.  I’m simply not going to concern myself with you until I work out all of the other things that I’m already concerned with and find myself in need of a cause. 

The actual fact is this: It’s not my country, they aren’t my countrymen, they aren’t related to me, I don’t know them.  The second and more important tier is this: they were poor as dirt to begin with, they were hungry and without food in the first place, they didn’t have homes or possessions before the earthquake.  Long story short... their shanty/lean-to fell down and the shaking scared them or their emaciated farm animals if they had one.  End result?  Do-good-hippie-crusaders send money, money ends up in hands of Haitian “government” to rebuild their mansions and help resume oppression and violence against the poor. 

How about I’ll just keep my money... yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  I’m sure President Asshat will just find a way to send taxpayer money to them so I’ll get bled anyhow.  The United States will send and is already sending aid which will certainly total millions of dollars, and troops which will ultimately cost millions more.  Would somebody answer me these questions. 

Is the United States not in the midst of a recession? 

Is the United States not saddled with a MASSIVE dept to what I’ll term “bad-guy nations?” 

Now where the fuck is that money coming from that we’re sending to Haiti?

We’re borrowing that money that we’re sending to Haiti at massive interest to ourselves.

I’m pretty sure that we should simply allow the nations that actually have the money to donate the money.  That’s like if I make $20,000 a year and I rack up $500,000 in credit card debt.  Now I’ve got half a mil in debt and creditors all up my ass.  My friend Useless McPoorcountry has his mobile home washed away in a flood and he calls me all crying and shit.  Talking about, my poor family hain’t got nowhere to live no more, please help.  So I decide, “well, I don’t have any money, I have a huge debt I may never pay off, I’ll just borrow some more money to buy him a new mobile home even though I’m about to have all my possessions taken away.”

I’m sure that Useless McPoorcountry is will someday remember our generosity and pay us back when we’re in need, just like France did a half century later when we needed assistance in “The War on Terror.” Gee, I think that pretty goddamn accurately sums it up.  If Wyclef wants to send money and assistance he can take his ass to Haiti and deliver his own “earned” (which is arguable) money to them.  Don’t take MY money out of the taxes I payed to help MY country, without my permission.  If you think that’s “inhumane” or even “inhuman” I don’t really care so fuck you.  We’re not a completely socialist world yet, you have your crusades and I have mine.  I don’t feel bad when I see the save the starving Africans commercials and I just don’t feel bad for the Haitians.  In fact, the more attempts he, she, they make at making me feel bad in an attempt to guilt me into sending my money, the less I care and the more I want that country to simply sink into the ocean to never be seen again.

Monday, January 11, 2010

China Is Running Out of Women

First and foremost I would like to say that I know I have taken an unusually large break from my rantings, for this I am sorry.  I hope, and I’m guessing that most of you get about in your days and weeks just fine without my random bitch fests.  I’ve been very busy lately and continue to be very busy so I haven’t had much time for posting.  For this reason I have been just waiting for something that stood out as worthy of a hearty verbal beating.  I think this might be the one.

I have to say, that I hate a lot of things.  Some of you may think hate is a strong word and that I’m probably being dramatic.  I’m always dramatic but I really do hate this one.  I hate China!  I don’t hate the Chinese people per say, I don’t know them so I can’t really hate them.  What I hate is their country, their government, and it’s policies.  There are certain things that stand out more than others, but they have a lot of them.  Some of the fucked up shit they eat (ex. Dogs).  Some of the archaic and generally medieval beliefs about stupid “home remedies” like endangered tiger penis’ that if snorted in a low light setting while chanting making your man junk stand up straighter.

The idea that it is perfectly acceptable to industrialize 100% of a country and cause species to go extinct at the rate of water dropping over Angel Falls.  General lack of a shit to give about any sort of human rights at all if it conflicts with becoming a superpower.  I’m no environmental crusader by far, but I do think that all countries should regulate certain things.  China’s insistence on being allowed to pollute the earth with lead, mercury, and any other hazardous wastes they see fit at as high a rate as they can manage in the name of money pisses me right the fuck off.  I’ve heard the argument that “powers” did so 100 years ago and that’s why they are superpowers.  Great, now we know better so go fuck yourselves China.      

This is primarily why I find this particular article rather hilarious.  It turns out that yet another retarded Chinese practice/belief is going to begin to bare rotten fruit... soonish.

More than 24 million Chinese men of marrying age could find themselves without spouses in 2020, state media reported.   The study, by the government-backed Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, named the gender imbalance among newborns as the most serious demographic problem for the country's population.

"Sex-specific abortions remained extremely commonplace, especially in rural areas," where the cultural preference for boys over girls is strongest, the study said, while noting the reasons for the gender imbalance were "complex."

Researcher Wang Guangzhou said the skewed birth ratio could lead to difficulties for men with lower incomes in finding spouses, as well as a widening age gap between partners.  According to Dillinger there really isn’t a problem there either.  Allow me to explain.  China can take up the wonderful and peaceful religion of Islam.  This will allow them to mercilessly rape and molest the women they do have in the name of Allah and cause the birth rates to skyrocket.  Once the new round of female births reach the age of 9 they can be sold into loveless marriages with men old enough to be their grandfathers and this will close the gap.

Another researcher quoted by the newspaper, Wang Yuesheng, said men in poorer parts of China would be forced to accept marriages late in life or remain single for life, which could "cause a break in family lines” which nobody would notice anyhow because there are only upwards of 36 last names for the entire population.

"The chance of getting married will be rare if a man is more than 40 years old in the countryside. They will be more dependent on social security as they age and have fewer household resources to rely on," Wang said.  So it turns out that communism doesn’t work?  NO WAY!  It’s a good thing somebody finally tested it after so many years so we finally know.

The situation influenced people to seek male offspring, who are preferred for their greater earning potential as adults and thus their ability to care for their elderly parents.  Dillinger doesn’t see the problem.  A 50 year old virgin son with no wife or kids will have even more money to spend on asbestos lined adult diapers and bootlegged, lead infused Ensure for mom and pop.

The Global Times said abductions and trafficking of women were "rampant" in areas with excess numbers of men, citing the National Population and Family Planning Commission.  Illegal marriages and forced prostitution were also problems in those areas, it said.  Alla hu Akbar?

The study said that in some areas the male-female ratio was as high as 130 males for every 100 females, a report by the Mirror Evening newspaper said.  The report said the study urged the government to relax the so-called "one-child" policy and study the possibility of encouraging "cross-country marriages."  An excellent policy change this would be too.  When you’re already living with 19 people per square inch in “populated” areas what is another 5 or 6?  This is why we are built with laps.  Besides, those pesky animals are just taking up valuable space and making no contributions in other areas so they can always be evicted.  What the hell good is a fat, bumbling, bamboo eating, black and white bear anyhow?

China first implemented its population control policy in 1979, generally limiting families to one child, with some exceptions for rural farmers, ethnic minorities and other groups.  Researchers said the gender imbalance problem cropped up in the late 1980s when the use of ultrasound technology became more prevalent.  This allowed women to easily determine the sex of their foetuses, leading to an increased number of sex-selective abortions.

Good call China, you guys are too awesome for your own good.  You just keep on keepin’ on.  Soon you’ll be all depressed, hanging out with your blue balls and contraband porn, wankin’ yourself raw while sitting in a puddle of your own lead contaminated tears.  You could always invest in some Japanese technology like Love Plus to ease the loneliness and get your pedo on.

Or if you exhaust yourself with morbid depression and self-loathing.

Or if you need something to cuddle in your infinite sadness or to hump away at when you finally snap.