Tuesday, January 19, 2010

More Completely Rational and Very Perceptive Accusations From Big Hugo

Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez has had yet another one of his shining revelations on Sunday.  Chavez, who’s friends know him as “the crazy, paranoid, asshole in charge” accused the United States of using the earthquake in Haiti as a pretext to occupy the devastated Caribbean country and offered to send fuel from his OPEC nation.

It is a fact that Haiti is strategic to the United States in so many ways it could make one’s head spin.  Haiti is located in the Ocean which means it’s practically made out of gold.  Not only is Haiti in the ocean but it’s also just Southeast of the beautiful island resort destination of the stars... Cuba.  Actually, now that I think about it, that joke is rather ironic considering how close to commie most of the misinformed fucktards in Hollywood actually are.

Orrr... Haiti is approximately 10714 square miles of uneducated, poverty stricken, psuedo-war-zone which now, also, has very little real-estate left either.  (I use the term real-estate very loosely... In this case it refers to anything a person can dwell in, on, or under, such as a piece of metal, several boards tied together with a haggard piece of rope, a refrigerator box, etc.)

"I read that 3,000 soldiers are arriving, Marines armed as if they were going to war. There is not a shortage of guns there, my God. Doctors, medicine, fuel, field hospitals, that's what the United States should send," Chavez said on his weekly television show which is translated into English as Hello Megalomaniacal Socialist Dictator.  Ok, maybe I lied about that part, it’s actually Hello President, he calls himself the President, isn’t that cute. "They are occupying Haiti undercover” he continued.

Chavez does have a point.  Why send all the troops, why not just send the medical supplies, generators, fuel, food, etc., there and let the people distribute it amongst themselves?  Surely the people of Haiti, though violent and fairly lawless before the quake, will have come together in an exemplary show of humanity and kindness.  I can see it now, the stronger would fairly and evenly ration everything out to their poorer and weaker brethren.  It is simply not conceivable to think that people would turn to looting , lynch mobs and general violence to solve their problems.

It is another common fact that, the United States is trying desperately to snag this wonderful prospect before all of the other vultures get their hands on it.  Chavez sees through the ruse and realizes that what America is always trying to obtain.  What America can never get enough of, is emaciated, uneducated, French speaking black men and women with no employable skills whatsoever (other than the ability to reproduce).  If only we can gain control of Haiti, the world shall kneel before our greatness once more!      

Chavez continued in saying “on top of that, you don't see them in the streets. Are they picking up bodies? ... Are they looking for the injured? You don't see them. I haven't seen them. Where are they?"  Upon further investigation it was determined by Chavez’s optometrist that he had in fact not seen them and there were fortunately no discernible vision problems involved.  As it turns out, and was pointed out by one of Chavez’s top aids, El Presidente Chavez was facing South at the time.  When told that in order to see them his Excellent Presidente would need to turn to the slight Northwest he repeatedly shuffled his feet about without actually turning and continued to say “I still don’t see them!”  The aid that pointed out Chavez's direction miscalculation was “unavailable forever for comment.”

Chavez promised to send as much gasoline as Haiti needs for electricity generation and transport.  This is fortunate because gasoline is exactly what Haiti needs to run its impressive fleet of trucks to transport goods, people, and services.

What makes this even better is that the one generator on the island also runs on gasoline.  Even if the fleet of trucks were to fail and the generator were to break, the people of Haiti needn’t fear because Hugo’s generous and relevant gift of Gasoline is so delicious and nutritious they will at least not continue to go hungry.

A perennial foe of U.S. "imperialism," Chavez said he did not wish to diminish the humanitarian effort made by the United States and was only questioning the need for so many troops.  This is very true because there aren’t more than a handful of large, violent factions/gangs in the whole country.  Not more than several hundred small, armed, bands willing to kill for a snickers bar, or steal whatever else they want.  And there are not more than a few thousand firearms to be had for use by these factions.  It’s true Hugo, there is no need for all these troops.  Why all the soldiers America?  Hugo and I know what you’re up to, and we have our eyes on you!

The United States is sending more than 5,000 Marines and soldiers to Haiti, and a hospital ship is due to arrive later this week.  You may have remembered Chavez saying on his show that hospitals were needed and the U.S. was sending troops instead of those.  This is true as well, and you should be aware that he said they needed field hospitals.  This is because hospital ships don’t count, the hospital must be in the field in order to work.  Without the field hospital on dry land it is simply useless.  Bandages, medicines, food, etc., simply don’t work while on boats and the United States should know this.

Venezuela has sent several planes to Haiti with Venezuelan citizens who have been told that they are doctors, aid and some citizens who have been appointed as soldiers. A Russia-Venezuela mission was set to leave Venezuela on Monday carrying aid on Russian planes.  Which were build in 1971 and are the absolute, top of the line (though slightly rusty... and drafty) aircraft in the Russian fleet.  It is guaranteed that most of the Russia-Venezuela fleet will arrive safe and sound in Haiti eventually.

Chavez said Venezuela's planes were the first to land in Haiti after Tuesday's 7.0 magnitude earthquake, which wrecked the capital Port-Au-Prince and killed as many as 200,000 people.  Chavez also said that his planes were the first to land on Mars and that he invented the internet before Al Gore.  Chavez also insisted that polar bears are American undercover agents attempting to secure the prime real-estate in the arctic regions, and the United States is in fact the one who killed Jesus.

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