Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Starbucks, Fighting Lost Causes Since... Who Cares?

Did you know that on December 1st, for every purchase you make at Starbucks, they will contribute 5 Cents toward fighting AIDS in Africa?  That's pretty awesome!  Seriously, with that sort of contribution, AIDS should be totally erradicated in Africa by next week.  I bet they take all of their medicine exactly on time and as directed too, so there isn't any creating of fucked up, drug resistant versions of the disease. 

Now if we just just get those wonderful Africans convinced that their penis cannot be stolen by way of a handshake, we would be truckin'!

I know where I will not be purchasing anything on December 1st.  I'm still hoping they'll all die off to be honest with you.  "Oh, that's so mean!" you might be thinking.  Maybe, but you can look, I've never claimed to be nice.  That, and they serve no purpose except to cost the world a lot of time and money.  Some causes are simply lost, Africa is one of them, accept it and get over it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Idiot President Intends To Fix Afghanistan

Signaling an imminent decision on Afghanistan troop levels, President Barack Obama said Tuesday he intends to “be clear” and "finish the job.”  The terrorists do not yet have complete control again and President Obama intends to ensure that the Kool-aid drinkers can blame Bush for an actual large scale loss instead of a drawn out win.

The president said he would announce his decision on how many additional soldiers to deploy to Afghanistan after Thanksgiving.  He said that he could not give more information but he hinted that he was thinking, 3, maybe 4 soldiers should do the trick.

"Let me be clear, I feel confident that when the American people hear a clear rationale for what we're doing there and how we intend to achieve our goals, that they will be roughly 49% supportive," he said.

Obama held his 10th and final war council meeting Monday night to assess his Afghanistan strategy in advance of his troop decision.  He commented Tuesday during a brief news conference with Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who was at the White House for a state visit.

"It is in our strategic interests, in our national security interest to make sure that al-Qaida and its extremist allies cannot operate effectively in those areas," Obama said. "We are going to dismantle and degrade their capabilities and ultimately dismantle and destroy their networks.  Once we have done that, we are going to give them a green card and a welfare check, and move them to America where they can enjoy blowing up infidels practicing their peaceful religion in peace."

Mr. Obama then stopped, adjusted his head, and used his gigantic ears to fly away.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Afghanistan Looks To Supply The Newest (And Best) Olympic Sport


Haji Abdul Rashid has big plans: corporate sponsors, television rights and beyond.  It’s a brand new sport that is sweeping the world, East, West, North, South.  Well, not quite the West, or the South, and maybe not the whole North, and just a little of the East.  Actually, truthfully, it's just Afghanistan.

"We want it to become an Olympic sport," says Rashid as he fires his Ak-47 into the sky in excitement.  Hadji heads the Buzkashi Federation and he is amped that his sport, the sport of Buzkashi, can finally thrive.  What in the name of Jesus Herbert Walker Christ is Buzkashi you might be asking?  Indeed!  Buzkashi is the most bad-ass new game on the planet.  Move over rugby, American football, European football and basketball.  What could be more fast paced than chess?  What could possibly be more awesome than badminton?  What sport can be more gentleman oriented than lawn darts?  Buzkashi is the game you son of a motherless goat!  How can you not know this when Afghans have known it for decades!?

Buzkashi, which means "goat grabbing," isn’t the same kind of goat grabbing you would think.  Buzkashi doesn’t take place in the Afghan bedroom and the feet aren’t tied to prevent that always crippling kick in the dick.  This is a different sport altogether.  There really are no rules to this game because you simply cannot apply rules to awesome.  Awesome knows no bounds.

How do you play Buzkashi you’re probably wondering since I’ve failed to tell you thus far.  Let me tell you my friends.  Players, called chapandaz, we’ll just call third world nutters who don’t have jobs or any actual purpose in life.  They  gallop at nut-busting speeds across a desolate surface such as a dusty-ass field and they kick the shit out of each other from horseback while trying to wrench the carcass of some form of small mutilated livestock from the (cold, dead... if necessary) hands of their comrades.  And as you'll notice from the photo below, they do it wearing 80's style Russian tank crew headgear.  What could possibly be more fucking extreeeeeme!  Nothing... THAT'S WHAT!


The game consists of two main forms: Tudabarai and Qarajai. Tudabarai is considered to be the simpler form of the game.  First you have find a goat or a baby cow (calf) the cuter and more pathetic looking the better.  You want to pick a sad-sac son of a motha with big dopey eyes.  When you find him you want to grab him and wrestle him to the ground, pull out your knife, and violently saw off his head while he makes the noises that baby cows make while they're being brutally murdered by the cousin of geico caveman.  Try not to get blood in your eye!  You can then give the head to your son if he's young enough because third world kids use them like teddy bears.  Be sure not to give it to your daughter because she is female and therefore only 1/4 of a human and not worth a murdered baby cow head.  Next you slice open his belly and let his blood flow like wine.  Yank out his insides and save those because they’ll be a tasty morsel later.  Finally, you will need to hack off his tiny legs at the knees, you may discard these, or attach a chain and make a sweet pair of redneck nanchuku.  If you’re truly a swinging dick you can fill the carcass with sand as well.  Soak it and let it fester in cool water for a day or two and let the fun begin.  Bitchin’!!  Try to hold on to your load because the game hasn’t even started yet.

Now, in the simple version you get on your trusty steed, I call mine Abu Hamzaa Bin Al Rasheed Ibn Dar Al Silver and you ride like hell is trying to conquer your anus.  You’ll want to scoop up the carcass and try not to tear your arm off or fall from your horse and shatter your spine while doing it because there are no doctors in Afghanistan you silly bastard.  This means you’ll need to slow from a full “bat out of hell” run.  Once you’ve picked up the corpse you just go like your life depends on it, in any direction until you get away from all of the other players, one of the other steals the corpse, or your horse dies of exhaustion.  One time, we started a game in Karachi and by the time I finally scored a point I was on the edge of Siberia.  That shit was intense!

If you’re really a stickler for rules.  For all of you fuddy duddy’s that need an actual purpose to the things you do, there is Qarajai.  In Qarajai you need the same carcass described above but in this version you won’t benefit by running all the way to Kazakhstan.   You must carry the body around a flag or marker at one end of the field, then dump it into a scoring circle the "Circle of Justice"at the other end.  No, really, it’s really called the circle of justice.

Don’t forget, no cheating, you can’t use meat hooks or cargo straps to hold onto the calf.  You can, however, carry a whip, in your teeth if you like, for thwacking your rivals in their cranium.  You can use the whip to thrash opposing horses and players.  You aren't really, technically, supposed to hit other players, but nobody really cares.  I’ve found that if you aim for the face it works best.  Opposing riders can’t get your goat if you whip out their eyes!  What do you mean that is a little extreme?  Nothing is too extreme in for the Moujahadeen!  Horsemen are frequently carried away and in their excitement they will bump, jar, pummel, and attempt to maim opponents. When they return, they are usually bruised or have broken limbs and some of the most extreme ones even come back dead.  Sometimes, they choose a site to play near a river and so that drowning their opponents can also be a possibility.  The Afghans play for very high stakes and take the game very seriously. It is not uncommon for riders to continue in the game with cracked ribs, broken limbs and various head injuries.  The only thing that isn’t allowed is actually shooting one another.  You’ll have to wait until after the match for that.

Buzkashi is often compared to polo. Both games are played by people on horseback, both involve propelling an object toward a goal, and both get fairly rough.  The only difference is that polo is played with a ball and Buzkashi is played with a rotting corpse.  Polo matches are played for fixed periods totaling about an hour; traditional Buzkashi may continue for days or until the carcass falls apart, or until the maggots an stench become unbearable, but in its more regulated tournament version also has a limited match time.  Also, in Buzkashi, galloping horses regularly spill off the field, sending terrified spectators running for their very lives.  Some games are played with 12-man teams; others are scored individually with hundreds of horses careening haphazardly around the field.

A single referee runs around the field with a megaphone trying desperately to avoid being trampled into a horrific, bloody, smear spot in the sand and to announce when a rider scores.  After scoring, riders are handed a cash prize, which they tuck into their tunics before riding back onto the field. On this day, the prize is the equivalent of about $80, but awards can be more than $1,000 for prominent matches.

Serious Buzkashi players train intensively for years.  I’ll ask you to take a moment now to join me now in my imagination land, and begin the training montage.  There is a man, he has a thick, black beard filled with fleas, a filthy white dish towel adorns his head, he sits atop an emaciated stallion with the Hindu Kush to his back, his eyes burn with the passion for his sport... well, his one eye does, the other was shot out by a Russian in the 80's... Eye of the tiger is pumping!  Slow motion gallop, others around him, none at his level.  He pictures good times had with his dead friend Apollo Bin Sultan Al Akbar.  Apollo used to be his biggest competitor but they became teammates and great friends until Apollo was killed in an unfair Match by the whip of Ivan Dar’im Al Drago.  He’s riding his horse up mountains carrying goats made of stones.  He’s doing roman chair sit-ups from the saddle of his horse.  He’s whipping a frozen carcass in a butcher shop.  He’s ripped, he’s ready, he’s 40 years old and looks like he’s 80.  He is going to take revenge on Ivan.

Alright, enough of that, back into reality.  That man is a master (called chapandaz).  Playing well also requires specially trained horses that know to stop still when a rider is thrown and to gallop forcefully when their rider gets hold of the calf. These horses can sell today for as much as US$10,000 to 15,000.  In case you aren’t sure, that is effectively 3 times the GDP of Afghanistan.  The riders may not own the horses they ride in competition. Most of the Buzkashi horses belong to men who can afford to buy them and hire trainers.  Who exactly these men are in Afghanistan has yet to be determined.

Winners are awarded prizes of turbans, cash or rifles.  Usually, the owner of the horseman also awards the horseman a prize, as his horse gains fame in victory. An adept horseman can generally get any horse he wants to use in an important Buzkashi match.  Many of the greatest players are swarmed by all the hottest groupies in the country as well... they are like rockstars.  Granted, all the groupies are men because women would have their heads smashed with rocks for acting groupie-like in Afghanistan, but still!

Buzkashi continues until a team is announced the winner. At the end of the game, a horse race is arranged which is known as 'paiga' . Horses used in paiga races are different from those meant for Buzkashi.  Some ride their mounts bare-back and others use a thin saddle blanket.  Younger boys are not allowed to participate in such races because race horses are not saddled. and if they die in a horse race then who will be left that is nieve enough to become the next generation of suicide bombers?

Buzkashi is undergoing a renaissance in Afghanistan since the Taliban regime was ousted from power by U.S. forces in 2001.  There are more games, players and spectators than ever before. Rashid says he has already contacted some Olympic officials.  Holy Horseshit Batman!  Olympic officials?  Could it be true?  Oh lord say that it’s true!

Once dominated by powerful warlords or tribal leaders, Buzkashi is attracting a new generation of businessmen who are using the game to meet contacts and get clients, explains Said Maqsud, who owns a Kabul-based security company that employs more than 1,000 people.  "That is a new concept," Maqsud says. "Now businessmen like me can be involved."  Nobody is quite sure what “business” this may be and whether it has anything to do with products other than poppies but that is another issue.

Rashid knows the game needs to be standardized to export the sport, played principally in Afghanistan and some Central Asian countries. Previous efforts to impose consistent rules have gone nowhere.  This confuses Rashid since it is well known that Afghans are so prone toward the tendencies to follow order and reason and to quickly adapt to, adopt, and follow the latest and newest trends to come about.  Afghanistan is, after all, known as the Paris of the Middle East. What?  What?  I’m actually being told that this is not what Afghanistan is called.  It could be though, or maybe it’s that Paris is turning into the Afghanistan of France.  Heh, oh well, anyhow.

"It's very violent," says Maqsud, who also has seven Buzkashi horses. "Animal rights activists wouldn't like it."  This blogger is sure that this shouldn’t really be a problem for Maqsud, since the Olympics are not really a large and/or widely publicized event that would be likely to draw the attention of animal rights types anyhow.

A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee, Mark Adams, said he was not aware of any overtures from Buzkashi officials. He said there might be concerns that the sport is not widely known and has no governing body that regulates it.  "I'm not sure it's a universal sport," Adams said.  For those of you who aren’t sure exactly what he meant, please allow me to translate.  First:

“There might be concerns that the sport is not widely known” = Nobody has a clue that your Neanderthal, third world, blood sport even exists and I’m not sure they wouldn’t be appalled if they did.

“No governing body that regulates it” = An unholy clusterfuck

“I’m not sure it's a universal sport" = You people are bloody nutters! This is never going to be featured on ESPN

Afghans love the game. On a recent Friday on the outskirts of Kabul, spectators begin arriving midmorning to watch a practice match. An old man sells peanuts from a wheelbarrow. A policeman sits on the hood of his car, his AK-47 across his knees.

The Taliban, tried to ban this “sport” along with pretty much everything else that might be misconstrued as “fun” did manage to fail at that.  It managed to thrive in the mountainous north, under the control of powerful anti-Taliban commanders.

Elsewhere in Afghanistan, the Taliban imposed a rule that prevented the use of a carcass, allowing only the skins of calves or goats stuffed with straw. The Taliban considered it sinful to kill an animal without using its meat. Buzkashi enthusiasts, such as Rashid, still speak bitterly of that era. The stuffed skins easily tore apart.

Recently, buzkashi played a role in the Afghan election. One of the game's largest patrons in Kabul is Mohammad Qasim Fahim, a vice president and a controversial figure because of his background as a notorious warlord. He sponsors many matches, which isn't lost on the audiences.

The game's recent boom in popularity gives Rashid hope that Buzkashi can attract a world audience.  He imagines exhibition games in Europe and big corporate sponsors. Rashid says players would even be willing to play with an artificial leather carcass if an international audience objects to a dead calf or goat.  This blogger is sure that Rashid has nothing to worry about.  The world is going to embrace the sport of calf carcass horse rugby just like it embraced Football.  There is some speculation that former Buzkashi player, bad-ass mercenary, and sometimes misunderstood Vietnam veteran, John James Rambo is being recruited to be the coach of the very first American team.


When asked about this possibility, Mr. Rambo shot our correspondent in the face with an explosive tipped arrow.  Representatives for Mr. Rambo also had no comment.

And to those who complain about the game's violence, Rashid has a ready response: "What about professional wrestling? Why is that acceptable?"  That’s right Rashid, don’t you let them kill your dreams, you just keep on keepin’ on my friend.

The story that I butchered came from here.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Afghanistan's Problem? Taliban... No, Oppressive Religion... No, What Then?

It’s official, most Afghans view poverty, unemployment and government corruption as the main causes of war in their country, not the Taliban.  This according to a report by a leading aid group released on Wednesday.

After three decades of war, Afghanistan remains one of the poorest and least developed countries in the world.  It is also one of the most corrupt... unlike the rest of the “Middle East” and other Islamic countries.  Unemployment stands at 40 percent and more than half the country live below the poverty line.  This also makes no sense because there are surely plenty of companies are beating down the door to set up shop where Ak-47s are a fashion statement and a women’s skulls can be crushed with a stone for showing too much ankle.

On top of that, violence is at its highest levels since U.S.-backed Afghan forces toppled the Taliban in late 2001.  This also has nothing at all to do with religious zealotry.

The report, mostly based on a survey of more than 700 ordinary Afghans by British charity Oxfam, several local aid groups, and The Dillinger Foundation for Afghan Research found that: 70 percent of people questioned viewed poverty and unemployment as the main drivers of the conflict.  90 percent of people questioned, viewed livestock as acceptable sex partners as long as you marry them first.  Only 15 percent of those questioned were actually literate.  20 percent of of those questioned were actually high on opium at the time.

Nearly half of those surveyed said corruption and the ineffectiveness of their government were the main reasons for the continued fighting, while 36 percent said the Taliban insurgency was to blame.  When asked how government officials might focus their attentions more on being effective at governing and less on being brutally assassinated by the Taliban (without actually being brutally assassinated by the Taliban) nobody was quite sure.

The 704 respondents from around the country were allowed to give multiple answers on reasons for the conflict.

When asked for her opinion on the matter, a hippie director for Oxfam made several cliche and typical leftist excuses.  You know the ones, "The people of Afghanistan have suffered 30 years of unrelenting horror. Afghan society has been devastated.”

The man has been keepin’ them down!  You cain’t just rise up and learn to read when the man be keepin’ you down!

"Repairing this damage can't be done overnight. It will take a long time for the economic, social and psychological scars to heal ... Afghanistan needs more than military solutions," she said in statement.  The part she did not include in the statement was about how Afghanistan needs less religious solutions.  A 7-11 with some nudie mags might also loosen them up a bit. 

There are some 110,000 foreign soldiers in Afghanistan, 68,000 of them American, trying to quell a strengthening Taliban insurgency that has spread to previously peaceful areas.

U.S. President Barack Obama is in the final stages of being an incompetent turd who does nothing while military officials continue to request 40,000 more U.S. troops in order to attempt to save the war effort that Obama has allowed to fall into disrepair.. 

Ordinary Afghans are frustrated at the slow pace of development, endemic corruption and the inability of Afghan and international security forces to stop the violence.  Which is actually very similar to when a child becomes frustrated that he/she cannot stop going wee-wee in his/her pantaloons.  I would become frustrated too if you demanded my opinion on a question of astrophysics while the only training I had in it was watching others fail at the same question.

Despite the billions of dollars in aid poured into the country, most Afghans have seen few changes to their lives.  Which again has nothing to do with the fact that the majority of them don’t do anything except sit around, follow goats through mountains, and sit around some more.  ½ of them still refuse to report shady activities.  Afghanistan is an entire country of welfare recipients, they rely on aid for around 90 percent of spending.

After the Taliban, the reason most people gave for the continued fighting in their country was foreign interference, 25 percent of respondents saying other countries were to blame.  This is probably true, if you know anything about history, you’ll quickly see that Afghanistan has been a bastion of peace for hundreds of years.  Many different tribes and many different sects of the peaceful religion of Islam, all getting along perfectly.  Had the U.S. not stepped in, there would be an Ikea in every town and a Shariaburger on every street.  Oh the utopia that was lost because of those meddling infidel.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Abortion... But We Really Need To Protest Closer...

Allow me to first start off by saying that sometimes one must offend even their friends in order to keep proper harmony and balance in the world.  That having been said, I’m about to embark upon a subject that I suspect will net me some angry comments.  Abortion!  In order to lead into this subject, I think I’ll need to tell you a little story first.  Spin a wee yarn, build up to the point where you hate me.    I don't write to be liked though, I write to make a point about shit that pisses me off so here goes.


I honestly can’t stand children.  Horrible creatures they are.  Children cost a fortune and anymore they’re often disrespectful little twats who grow up to be disrespectful big twats because most of you (not all of course) don’t know how to parent.  I can’t give you a fool-proof sounding board to find out if you are one of those people but I can give you one that’s close.  It’s a pretty safe bet that if you consider yourself “liberal” or “progressive,” you are probably also an incompetent parent and your child is going to be an intolerable cunt and I secretly hope (not so much anymore I guess) that he/she trips and falls onto the metro tracks.  If you are overly religious the same is probably likely.  In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t honestly value human life all that much.  We're really nothing more than animals, just like a cat, rabbit, or lion.  Many people aren't that much smarter than those animals either.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, not in a crazy, psychotic sort of way, in an apathetic, “chances are that I just don’t give a shit what happens to you one way or another” sort of way.  I know, not very nice is it?  Not at all, I don’t care though.  Many people are intolerable cunts who are going to end up having a negative effect on my life at some point so I just don’t feel bad when bad things happen to them.  I just don't care at all.  If you need an example... did you vote for Obama?  If you answered yes, there’s a good chance that until you prove otherwise, I'll consider you an idiot and maybe even secretly hope you get run over by a bus (again, not all of you... some of you honestly didn’t know what you were doing).

What is the point of all this you might be thinking.  The point is basically this: abortion doesn’t bother me.  Mainly because it isn't my body and therefore it really isn't my choice.  I can't remember being a fetus so I doubt the fetus is so worried about it.  In fact, if my girlfriend ever got pregnant and wanted an abortion, I would absolutely encourage her.   I don't believe the embryo is a baby or even a living thing other than an equivalent to a few skin cells. 

Another point is that I would make a shitty parent because I would name the child “Mr. Bojangles” and then ignore the child and do something more immediately gratifying.  “Why don’t you go dig a hole while I get another beer.”  No, really, I would, they irritate me with their neediness and lack of intelligence or ability.  To me, they’re simply a smaller, less educated, and completely useless version of an adult and I have no time for this at all.

Then there’s those baby creatures.  Oh Jesus H Christ, those things.  They shit all over everything, they scream constantly, and they make maddeningly irritating sounds even when they aren’t screaming, shitting, pissing, or puking on something.  They wake up at all unholy hours of the night and they insist that you get up as well.  “Go the fuck back to sleep!  You can eat at breakfast time like every-goddamn-body else!  I have to work in the morning, unlike some people!”  They can’t walk so you’re forced to carry them everywhere.  They can’t take out the trash or do the dishes.  They’re not even any help with Jeopardy.  They might distract a panther if I were to be hiking with one at the time of a panther attack... but that would likely just get me in trouble so I’ll carry a partially thawed chicken instead.

Now, that having been said, would you want me to have children?  Would you want me teaching him/her everything I know?  Probably not... doesn’t make me wrong, it just makes you a smug cunt who thinks your ways are better than mine.  That’s alright though, I can appreciate that because I feel the same way.  I also feel the same way about others having babies.  My feeling is reinforced every time I see some stupid hippy asshole letting his/her children do whatever the fuck they want in public.  Climbing on shelves, standing by my booth in the restaurant and staring at me, throwing a fit, kicking my seat on a plane.

No, don’t tell your child “say hi, say hi, say hi.” I don’t want you child to say hi to me because they’re just going to be disappointed when I simply look the other way and ignore him/her.  I’m not going to indulge you or your child with so much as a smile.  Not everybody finds them as adorable as you do.  In fact, some of us are unsure that they are not a member of the same family of communicable diseases as Ebolavirus.  They are likely a carrier of several horrible diseases that I don’t want so control your child and keep them the hell away from me.

There are also the filthy-ass-greaseballs at Walmart or at the grocery store dragging 8 little dirtball bastard children along (who begin shoplifting at 3 years old) while she squanders more money that I paid her in welfare to support those little fucktards.  People who don’t want children but are too goddamn poor to buy condoms, too stupid to use them, or otherwise too retarded to prevent pregnancy time and again and again.  Accidents happen but not that goddamn many times and who would have sex with that anyway?!  For fucksake, that’s disgusting.  Abortion should not only be allowed but it should be required for many of these people.

My point is that some people shouldn’t have children, some people don’t deserve children, and for some people to even be near children should be a crime.  There are too many children being abused in foster care already.  There are too many children who aren’t getting adopted.  There are too many children in the care of biological parents who are incompetent or abusive.  There are just too many children.  There is also the fact that science proves that for quite some time after “conception” it is not an actual life anymore than a chunk of torn off fingernail would be.  The child does not become a child for quite some time but is instead a cluster of cells.  I look at it a little more harshly and I believe that if the child could not be born that day and live without assistance of medical devices then it is fair game for abortion.  No different than saying that god told me it’s a baby as soon as the spermy collides with the egg.  We’re all entitled to our opinion.

This story does, however, piss me off.

A federal appeals court has struck down an ordinance that created two types of buffer zones around medical facilities after a Christian legal group challenged the law on behalf of a nurse who protests abortions.

Which would be fine except for 2 things.  If you are a nurse you are fucking with God’s will to begin with.  All medical professionals are, and if they aren’t, they’re just doing absolutely nothing at all.  If go the God route, if he wants you to survive, you will regardless of intervention.  If God wants you dead and a doctor saves you, wouldn’t that be a bad thing?

There is also the minor detail of the fact that she is a nurse!  If you are a nurse it is not your job to decide what is or is not right, wrong, moral, or immoral!  If you are a nurse it is your job to do what the doctor you work for tells you to do.  I don’t get to decide which parts of my job I would like to do and which ones I would like to skip simply because I don’t like them.  I have to do my whole job, all of it, because that’s what they fucking hired me to do!  If I don’t I would get kicked the fuck out on the street and they would hire somebody who would do it.  This nurse should be no different.

In the ruling, court found the 2005 Pittsburgh ordinance unduly restricted protesters from passing out leaflets and participating in other forms of free speech. The Pittsburgh law bans protesters from standing within 15 feet of entrances but also makes them stand 8 feet from clients in a 100-foot buffer around entrances.  The appeals court found the zones violate the free speech rights of the protesters who find it difficult to hand leaflets to clinic clients.

So the protesters need to stand closer so they can pass out leaflets do they?  No, they want to be disruptive of the woman getting in to attempt to discourage it in the first place.  Nobody who isnt’t fully retarded thinks that passing out a fucking leaflet to a woman on the way into an abortion clinic is going to cause an epiphany and a change of mind.  I can honestly say that if some “protester” tried to shove a leaflet at me as I walked past, I would forcefully deposit that leaflet directly into his/her stomach.  If they want your religion and your

The court found that either zone by itself could be legal. The U.S. Supreme Court has already upheld a Colorado state law establishing a similar 100-foot zone and decisions by courts in Florida and New York to ban protesters from within several feet of medical facility entrances.

"This is an extremely important victory for pro-life speech. The court drew a well-needed line in sand," David Cortman, the Alliance Defense Fund attorney who challenged the ordinance, said Monday.

Previously, city attorneys have argued the two zones were necessary to accomplish complementary functions. The 15-foot buffer zone keeps protesters from blocking entrances, while the 100-foot zone keeps protesters from following or harassing clients as they approach the clinics.

Cortman's group, based in Scottsdale, Ariz., sued to challenge the ordinance in 2006 on behalf of Mary Kathryn Brown, a nurse from Indiana Township, a suburb of Pittsburgh. Brown has spent more than 15 years attempting to persuade women not to have abortions by speaking to them and handing out literature about the procedure's physical dangers.

But it agreed with Brown's argument that the two buffer zones combined with traffic noise sometimes prevent her from talking to women using the normal, conversational tone she believes is most effective. The 100-foot zone also keeps her from handing leaflets to women before they enter the 15-foot buffer around clinic entrances, she claimed.

It is hard to be a pain in the fucking ass from too far away, this is a fact.  Have we considered the physical dangers that psychotic right wing clinic bomber types might pose?  Not everybody protesting is rational and wants to talk instead of intimidate and/or cause harm.  The zones should stay for the sake of order and safety for all.  I have seen protests dealing with abortion and I’ve seen how rabid some of these pro-life nutters can get.

The simple fact of the matter is that people need to mind their own business.  It’s not you, it’s not your child, it’s not your life.  Take your religion, your god, do with it as you wish.  Feel happy and smug in knowing that you’re going to heaven and leave the rest of us heathins to do our own thing.  All you are doing is creating more molesters, drunks, addicts, serial killers, and other dregs of society by ensuring that more babies will be born unwanted and in many cases into families that can do nothing aside from fucking them up.

I would like to bet that there would be one hell of an uproar if Muslims stood in front of your church door, protested wildly, and tried to pass out shit and convince you of how much better Islam is and that your way is wrong.  Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean it’s wrong.  One final thought because I’ve heard it so many times.  Not even in the case of rape.  If you believe that, I sincerely hope the next case is you, or your wife or daughter who gets pregnant as a result of rape.  Then we’ll see how high and godly you are.  We will then see if you can and how well you overcome that trial.  What is good for you isn’t always good for others.  Mind your own business and find something more useful to do with your time.


Friday, November 13, 2009

Germans Give Weapons To Afghan Army... And I Predict

I love it!  Some may call me pessimistic, some might call me jaded, some might call me a jerk, some of you hardcore types might even call me crazy.  I call me realistic.

Afghan officials talked recently with the German Defence Minister about having Berlin supply the fledgling Afghan national army with heavy weapons.

The visiting German minister "pledged his country's commitment to helping Afghanistan," the Afghan ministry said.

Berlin has come under pressure, notably from Washington, to provide more troops with the Taliban-led insurgency now at its deadliest in the eight years since the 2001 US-led invasion toppled their regime in Kabul.

The mission is highly unpopular in Germany but Berlin is considering whether to increase the upper limit of its troop contingent in Afghanistan to 7,000 from the current 4,500, Deutschlandfunk public radio reported last month.

I think this is fanfuckingtastic.  Let's give them heavy weapons, lets give them tanks, lets give them long range ballistic missiles, let's give them nukes!  I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction.  I predict that it takes all of about 3 days for these new German supplied heavy weapons to end up in Taliban hands and being effectively used to kill allied soldiers.

Some of you may be historically educated enough to know that we tried this once in a decade called the 80's and they're still using those weapons against us today.  Yeah, I know, slightly different plot line but still essentially the same people governed by the same mentality and Islam NEVER changes.  That's why they still live in the dark ages.

Some of you may say "oh, but Dillinger, we have to help them fight the insurgents or they'll fail, and they can't fight the insurgents with inferior weaponry."  This is true, or mostly true, except for the fact that I would be willing to bet you that a rather large number of them actually are insurgents, or at least are helping and will continue helping insurgents from the inside.

They're going to fail.  They were never going to succeed, not under the rules of NATO and the U.N.  You can't fight with rules (hands tied) against an enemy that follows no rules.  You can't win by protecting (civilians) who may be militants who are using the population as a ploy to blend in while the population's religion prohibits them from speaking out.  This is an unwinnable war, ask the Russians.

This is where some I lose even some of you who follow me and already know how I think.  We shouldn't have gone over there in the first place, it's that simple.  No civilized strategy can defeat an uncivilized enemy.  We should have dropped several nukes on them as a warning and then left them alone to continue destroying each other just like they've done for thousands of years and gotten so good at.  "Hearts and Minds Campaign" is one of the most laughable piles of steaming horseshit they've fed us in a long time.  Sure there are peaceful people there, but they are afraid of the Taliban and they aren't afraid of us. 

The Taliban creates destruction and death and they know we aren't willing to do everything it takes to defeat them.  Mark my words, they only way to win this war is for the population to realize that it's going to be far worse if they don't support us 100% than if they do.  We should have gone in with a true "shock and awe" mentality.  As much destruction as we could muster as quickly as we could muster it.  The insurgents know we won't and these weapons will come back to bite us in the ass.

War isn't supposed to be nice and peace that is forced isn't peace.  History shows us that their views, beliefs, and general lifestyles do not allow for peace.  I agree with this guy, if you can't separate the good apples from the bad ones you have to assume they're all bad eventually.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

An Officer and A Retard... and A Murderer

I've tried really hard to just leave this story alone.  It seems as though every other blogger has covered it and a few have covered it well.  Everything that needed to be said has already been said... except what I'm going to say.

These are all quotes from a story I just read.

Nidal Malik Hasan's overly zealous religious views and strange behavior worried the doctors overseeing his medical training.

Doctors and staff overseeing  Hasan's training viewed him at times as belligerent, defensive and argumentative in his frequent discussions of his Muslim faith (not as if that fits the fucking mold or anything) a military official familiar with several group discussions about Hasan said.

Hasan was characterized as a mediocre student and lazy worker, a matter of concern among the doctors and staff at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences, a military medical school in Bethesda, Md., the official said.

The concerns about Hasan's performance and religious views were shared with other military officials considering his assignment after he finished his medical training, and the consensus was to send the 39-year-old psychiatrist to Fort Hood, the official said.

Fort Hood, one of the country's largest military installations, was considered the best assignment for Hasan because other doctors could handle the workload if he continued to perform poorly and his superiors could document any continued behavior problems, the official said.

So let me just  just sum that up.  He's a psychologist, lazy, a shitty student, an argumentative douchebag who nobody likes... some might call him a dick, he makes others uncomfortable talking about violence, he's a member of a religion that is known to be violent, he has ready access to guns, he's known to have had contact with radicals.
So after after all this, they just pass him off somewhere where they know others can pick up his workload for him and hopefully clean up any messes he makes.  GO ARMY!

It's no wonder we're losing winning (they tell me so) the war on terrorism with that kind of brilliance running the show.

I must ask you all, in all seriousness, can you not see the stupid in his eyes?  Can you not feel the "Derrr" emanating from the photograph of him.  I really would like to know what his actual IQ was because by looking at the guy, my first thought it that he's slightly retarded and instead of being taught to shape warp minds of other soldiers as a psychiatrist, he should have been cleaning shitters.  How does a retard become an officer in the greatest military in the world?  How does the greatest military in the world stay that way (or for how long) when it makes officers out of retards?  I'm going to let you all think very hard about those two trick questions.  I have an answer in mind, I'm curious what you think.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Are You A Bed Wetter?

This video is a bit old but I found it and thought it was funny. Maybe not so much funny, but a basically spot-on accurate call made by Dick Armey.

If she hasn't wet the bed in "weeks" she's about due. "Keep it from killing thousands and thousands of people" she says. Thousands and thousands? It's the goddamn flu, not Ebolavirus. Ooooohhhhh boogey boogey boogey be afraid! You should be more afraid of the H1N1 vaccine than the disease itself. Just to be safe, you better stock up on duct tape, plastic sheeting, and little paper face masks! Oh, and that game just looks fucking stupid.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs... Saving The Environment or Endangering Everything?

I found this interesting. As much as I have heard about the funny looking light bulbs known as compact fluorescent bulbs, I really don't give a shit about the things the environmentalists tell me I should care about.


My theory is that they're trying to feed me a steaming pile anyhow (idea cemented by presence of poster boy Al Gore) so I simply shut them out when they say I should do something. In the cases where I don't shut them out, I listen only so that I can then turn and do the exact opposite of what they tell me. Take for example, the curious case of the wonderful compact fluorescent light bulb vs. the incandescent bulb. This is where it really gets good.

They environmental types (those who stand to make money off "environmentally friendly" crap) such as, the Environmental Protection Agency and some large business, including Wal-Mart and Ikea, are aggressively promoting the sale of compact fluorescent light bulbs. They like to tell us that it's a way to save energy and fight global warming.

That's a nice thought... combating global warming and such. Making the planet better in the future for your children and your children's children and all that happy horseshit. Here's another nice thought. Compact fluorescent light bulbs contain Mercury. You know, Mercury, it's a super-fun member of a material hazard class called "Neurotoxin." Can you say "Neurotoxin" kids?

Wait, what about Mercury! Alright, no problem, we'll come back to "Neurotoxin."

Mercury is a naturally occurring metal that has several forms. The metallic mercury is a shiny, silver-white, odorless liquid that is also called quicksilver. When heated, it becomes a colorless, odorless gas.

Certain forms of mercury can build up in the tissues of animals all the way up the food chain to man. Mercury can build up in the body and accumulate, having long lasting health effects.

How can mercury affect my health?

Well, to begin with, the nervous system is very sensitive to all forms of mercury. Exposures to high levels of metallic, inorganic, or organic mercury can permanently damage the brain, the kidneys, or a developing fetus. The effects of mercury on brain functioning may result in irritability, shyness, tremors, changes in vision or hearing, and memory problems.

Excess mercury has been linked to nervous system, kidney, and liver damage, and impaired childhood development. The nervous system disorders that may occur with excess mercury include impaired vision, speech, hearing, and coordination. Another way to be exposed to mercury is to breathe in vapors in the air from spills of metallic mercury. You can breathe mercury contaminated air at the workplace or have skin contact with mercury while at work (dental, health services, chemical and other industries that use mercury). It is possible to breathe in mercury vapors in the air around spills, incinerators, and industries that burn mercury-containing fuels.

Short-term exposure to high levels of metallic mercury vapors may cause effects including lung damage, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, increases in blood pressure or heart rate, skin rashes, and eye irritation. Exposure to organic mercury is more dangerous for young children than for adults, because more of it passes into children’s brains where it interferes with normal development.

How likely is mercury to cause cancer?

There is inadequate human cancer data available for mercury but certain types have caused increases in several types of tumors in rats and mice. The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has determined that some forms of Mercury are possible human carcinogens.

Very young children are much more sensitive to mercury and all of its effects than are adults. Pregnant woman are advised to keep away from the room where liquid mercury has been used.

Now, back to this Neurotoxin thing. These are a whole lot of fun for the entire family. I bet you're wondering how much fun they might be aren't you? Never you fear, I shall tell you.

A neurotoxin is a toxic agent or substance that inhibits, damages or destroys the tissues of the nervous system, especially neurons, the conducting cells of your body's central nervous system.

Neurotoxic effects can include behavior changes, seizures, as well as wide range of effects, including death. Both acute and chronic (long and short-term) exposure to certain organic chemicals can cause a variety of health problems including narcosis, anesthesia, CNS (central nervous system) depression, respiratory arrest, unconsciousness, coma, and death.

Neurotoxins have the potential for long-lasting or permanent effects from exposure means you should avoid the use of neurotoxins whenever possible. Some of you may be familiar with this guy.


He is a "mad hatter." That's no coincidence. He's not a hat maker that was mad or a mad man who took to making hats. Or a hat maker that went mad while making hats but not because of said occupation. The mad hatter was a mad hatter because it was well known in the time of Lewis Carroll that hat makers usually, eventually, went mad as a result of exposure to chemicals required to make hats. One of those chemicals... Mercury!

Mercury solution was commonly used in the olden days in the felting
process for making hats. You can read more about the actual process here. You can also get a more thorough story on the Mad Hatter here, including the parts I'm leaving out. There is some additional info here as well.

Many hat makers with long-term exposure to Mercury ended up with Mercury poisoning. The Mercury attacks the nervous system, causing drooling, hair loss, uncontrollable muscle tremors, trembling, and twitching ("hatter's shakes" or "Danbury shakes"), a lurching gait, and difficulties in talking and thinking clearly. Stumbling about in a confused state with slurred speech, affected hatters were sometimes mistaken for drunks. In severe cases, they experienced hallucinations and other psychotic symptoms.

Venoms are also neurotoxins.



Anywho! the bulbs contain small amounts of mercury and there currently is not really any good way to dispose of them. These bulbs tend to accidentally break. They break in landfills, in containers, in dumpsters, in trucks, in homes. Everything they touch when they break is going to get contaminated. Carpet, clothing, linens, mattresses, workers, children (to whom it is especially dangerous), pets, yourself, soil, water, etc, etc.

Some states, cities and counties have even outlawed putting CFL bulbs in the trash. "Experts" allegedly agree that it's not easy for most people to recycle this type of bulb. Many cities that have curbside recycling won't take the bulbs. In case you aren't sure what this may mean, this would mean you would have to either make a special trip to a specialized disposal facility to dispose of your "environmentally friendly" bulb, or you would have to contract a specialized disposal company to come and collect your bulb for you. This will require manpower, fuel, and most importantly... additional carbon footprint added to the opposite end of where you removed it by using the bulb in the first place. Your typical incandescent light bulb can legally, and safely be disposed of in regular household trash without fear of pollution, contamination, or bodily harm to third persons such as the trash collector.

You will also find that in many cases, these environmentally conscious do-gooder wannabes will lose interest on the back end of their little save the world project and the bulbs will go in the trash. For example:

Pete Keller works for Eco Lights Northwest, the only company in Washington state that recycles fluorescent lamps. He says it is illegal to put the bulbs in the trash in some counties in Washington, but most people still throw them out.

"I think most people do want to recycle, but if it's not made easy, it doesn't happen," Keller says. "And they're small enough to fit in a trash can. So by nature, I think most people are not recyclers. So if it's small enough to fit in a trash can, that's where it ends up."

It's the American way... "If it ain't easy... fuck it."

Wendy Reed, who manages EPA's Energy Star program said "I share your frustration that there isn't a national infrastructure for the proper recycling of this product." So it would appear that the government has jumped behind and is pushing an idea like a retard in line at the amusement park and yet they really haven't fully looked into, developed, or even really considered the implications other than the immediate, outward appearance of environmental helpfulness. As long as everybody just follows along and doesn't think too much, we can all give ourselves a proud pat on the back every time we turn on a light.

Wendy says that even though fluorescent bulbs contain mercury, using them contributes less mercury to the environment than using regular incandescent bulbs. That's because they use less electricity and coal-fired power plants are the biggest source of mercury emissions in the air. To Wendy, I say, "but those plants are HIGHLY monitored by the government all of the time. They require permits, environmental and safety plans, disposal equipment and contracts, they have to account for every bit of their emissions and waste. The employees at the facility are trained to know about these things by law, and things are generally taken care of allowing for the odd exception.

On the other hand, average Joe Suburbanite and Welfare Cher are buying these bulbs for use in their homes by their mostly if not completely ignorant families, all over America. They're going to end up contaminated, they're going to contaminate the environment, and others, and they're going to cost you and I more money in the long run. We're going to be cleaning up that pollution later, we're going to be paying for that sickness later. Is this a good idea, really? I'm not buying it. I'm asking who's manufacturing these bulbs, who's coffers are the donations from said company going into?

Wendy then went on to say "The compact fluorescent light bulb is a product people can use to positively influence the environment to… prevent mercury emissions as well as greenhouse gas emissions. And it's something that we can do now — and it's extremely important that we do do it, the positive message is, if you recycle them, if you dispose of them properly, then they're doing a world of good."

If you want to calculate just how much good you're doing the world. An accurate estimate by my calculations would be that if you use all compact fluorescent bulbs for the majority of your life, we'll say from age 30 to age 80 assuming you die promptly, that's 50 years. In that fifty years, you will have done nearly as much good for the environment as you would have if you had chosen one day (any day in that 50 years) not to drive your car (assuming your car was up to California emissions standards and you didn't plan on driving far anyhow).

Wendy also said "EPA is actively engaged with trying to find a solution that works for these retailers around recycling the product, because it's really, really important." Then she went on to blame the stores for "not stepping up." As we all know, our government likes to lead by making examples of others at cost to those others instead of making it's own example. If they do start requiring the stores to do it, taxpayers will pay for it in either direct taxes, or higher prices to offset the huge cost of implementing expensive new procedures to recycle this crap. This saving the planet stuff appears to be very expensive for very little difference (if any), hmm... that's odd.

Lets hear from General Electric... they have been making compact fluorescents for circa 20 years. A company spokesperson admits that the little bit of mercury in each bulbs could become a real problem if sales balloon as expected.

"Given what we anticipate to be the significant increase in the use of these products, we are now beginning to look at, and shortly we'll be discussing with legislators, possibly a national solution here," says Earl Jones, a senior counsel for General Electric. What he didn't mention was that one way or another, it's going to cost you and I a buttload of money.

Did you know that CFL's are also not for use in track, recessed or dimmer fixtures? Yeah, it turns out that can cause "problems." Could you have guessed that the warnings on the packages of some of the new bulbs are in very small fine print and rather hard to read. They are also voluntary, yes that's right, the company can decide for itself whether warning you is worth their time.

Speaking of a difficult, costly, and unpleasant. What exactly should one do if suckered into buying these dumbass bulbs and then one breaks in your home? Well, the jury is still out on that one. Depending on the source there are slightly different levels of "how to" on this one and they range from inconvenience to disaster.

Consider this.

When installing a CFL bulb in a ceiling fixture of her 7-year-old daughter's bedroom Brandy Bridges dropped and broke it in shag carpet. Ms. Bridges knew about the danger of mercury but not what to do about it so she called Home Depot where she bought the bulbs to find out.

The store allegedly warned her not to vacuum the carpet and directed her to call the local poison control hotline. Poison control directed her to call the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the Department of Environmental Protection.

The latter sent over a specialist to test the air in her house for mercury. While the rest of the house was clear, the area of the accident was contaminated above the level considered safe. The specialist warned Bridges not to clean up the bulb and mercury powder by herself – recommending a local environmental cleanup firm.

That company estimated the cleanup cost at $2,000 and, no, her homeowners insurance does not cover the damage. Bridges has been forced to seal off her daughter's bedroom with plastic to avoid any dust blowing around. Not even the family pets are permitted in to the bedroom.

Other sources say that you should do various other things in the case of a toxic materials release... I mean in case of a CFL bulb break...

Before Clean-up, evacuate people and pets and Air Out the Room for at least 15 minutes

Put on rubber, nitrile or latex gloves.

Shut off the central forced-air heating/air conditioning system, if you have one.

Clean-Up Steps for Hard Surfaces

Carefully scoop up glass pieces and powder using stiff paper or cardboard and place them in a glass jar with metal lid (such as a canning jar) or in a sealed plastic bag.

Use sticky tape, such as duct tape, to pick up any remaining small glass fragments and powder.

Wipe the area clean with damp paper towels or disposable wet wipes. Place towels in the glass jar or plastic bag.

Do not use a vacuum or broom to clean up the broken bulb on hard surfaces.

Clean-up Steps for Carpeting or Rug

Carefully pick up glass fragments and place them in a glass jar with metal lid (such as a canning jar) or in a sealed plastic bag.

Use sticky tape, such as duct tape, to pick up any remaining small glass fragments and powder.

If vacuuming is needed after all visible materials are removed, vacuum the area where the bulb was broken.

Remove the vacuum bag (or empty and wipe the canister), and put the bag or vacuum debris in a sealed plastic bag.

Clean-up Steps for Clothing, Bedding and Other Soft Materials

If clothing or bedding materials come in direct contact with broken glass or mercury-containing powder from inside the bulb they should be thrown away.

Disposal of Clean-up Materials (this part is particularly interesting)

Place all clean-up materials outdoors in a trash container or protected area for the next normal trash pickup immediately.

Wash your hands after disposing of the jars or plastic bags containing clean-up materials.

Check with your local or state government about disposal requirements in your specific area. Some states do not allow such trash disposal. Instead, they require that broken and unbroken mercury-containing bulbs be taken to a local recycling center. (Now you will want to realize that your state falls into this category and go outside and get your previously disposed of hazardous materials back out of the trash)

Future Cleaning of Carpeting or Rug:

The next several times you vacuum, shut off the central forced-air heating/air conditioning system and open a window before vacuuming.

Keep the central heating/air conditioning system shut off and the window open for at least 15 minutes after vacuuming is completed.

You may also use powdered sulfur to absorb the beads that are too small to see. The sulfur may change color and make the mercury easier to see, and it binds the mercury so that it can be easily removed. Note: Powdered sulfur may also stain fabrics a dark color. The powdered sulfur is also toxic and should not be breathed in.

Now, according to the EPA, here are some things that you should never do with a Mercury Spill Include:

Never use a vacuum cleaner to clean up mercury because it will put mercury into the air and increase exposure.

Never use a broom to clean up mercury. It will break the mercury into smaller droplets and spread them.

Never pour mercury down a drain. It may lodge in the plumbing and cause problems or cause pollution of the septic tank or sewage treatment plant.

Never wash clothing or other items that have come in direct contact with mercury in a washing machine, because mercury may contaminate the machine and/or pollute sewage. Clothing that has come into direct contact with mercury should be discarded.

Isn't This Fun!?

They might actually make it illegal soon to use anything but these bulbs. It all started in Cuba, moved to Venezuela, then Australia, Canada and the European Union. Now individual states in the U.S., including California, Connecticut, North Carolina and Rhode Island, are all in the process of legislating an end to Edison's greatest invention. Even local towns and cities are getting into the act of telling you that your safety isn't as important as using their pet project light bulb. By the time you develop cancer from the bulbs, the globe will have cooled again (like it does every couple of decades) and they'll be able to exclaim a triumphant victory.


Monday, November 2, 2009

Supermax At Colorado Bad... Guantanamo By Dillinger Good

Hat tip to Muslims Against Sharia. Remember how urgently Osama Obama wanted to get Guantanamo Bay closed? Yeah, I knew you did. It's such a terrible place, those poor prisoners are abused terribly and they didn't even do anything.

It turns out that despite the fact that the "prisoners" didn't like Guantanamo, they like the super max at Florence, Colorado even less. This is the likely alternative for the most dangerous al-Qaeda suspects.

While the left cried that the center was not meeting international standards, the Pentagon improved living at Guantanamo.

A Republican congressman who visited earlier this year and wants the prison kept open, said that "if there's any scandal at Guantanamo, it is that the detainees are treated too well".

The 221 remaining inmates receive between four and 20 hours outdoor recreation in the Caribbean sun and anything from weekly to almost unlimited access to DVDs and receive three newspapers (USA Today, plus one Egyptian and one Saudi Arabian title) twice a week. Every bed has an arrow pointing towards Mecca and every cell a prayer rug.

The detainees' diet is exclusively Middle Eastern and halal, in observance of regional and religious sensitivities. Dates, olive oil and honey are provided daily and pita bread is baked on the premises. They drink the same bottled water as the prison's staff and have the same access as other prisoners to 16,000 books and 1,600 magazines held at the library.

That is inhuman! Deplorable conditions for "prisoners." I think I should be put in charge of Guantanamo reform. I'll call it, Guantanamo by Dillinger and all the best terrorists will want to come. They'll start out at the gates by receiving their uniform. I'll give each of them a choice between a beautiful pink wool jumpsuit and a decadent purple wool jumpsuit. They will receive so much more humane treatment at Guantanamo by Dillinger.

I'll start the fun filled activities with a violently brutal kicking 5 times a day, we'll do it just before prayer times so they have something to pray about. This adds incentive and reason to live. Instead of news papers to read we'll give them each a single photograph of their choice to look at. They can choose from an extensive selection of one photograph. We'll let them choose a new one each year to keep things fresh.

Instead of unlimited access to DVDs, which is exceptionally cruel, we'll give them unlimited access to one photograph they chose from a selection of one photograph. If they get tired of one photograph we'll give them one other choice which just happens to be a terrible kick in the spleen.

They can participate twice a week if they like, in mandatory dinner and a movie. The movie will be chosen from a selection of 50's era pornography and dinner will consist of a mouth watering selection of wines, liquors, pork products, and a delicate assortment of feral dog reproductive organs. All 100% halal! I certified it myself and if they want proof I will hit them in the face with a hammer. Who can question that!?

If they are really good and give us information that we need without "torture"... what is torture anyhow, so subjective a term, torture to me is listening to Miley Sirus, anyhow, if they do they'll earn conjugal visits. We'll fly in direct from Afghanistan, the finest Afghan goats a Jihadi eye ever fell upon. I tell you, these goats have almost all their hair, minimal mange, we'll even draw a mustache and uni-brow on them if requested.

Right now they get between 4 and 20 hours of outdoor recreation? That's disgusting. I propose they get 15 hours worth of mandatory outdoor recreation. They can choose from several fun filled activities I've preselected for them. Swimming with sharks, swimming with crocodiles, swimming with crocodiles and sharks, or swimming with sharks, crocodiles, and piranhas. It will be tons of fun and they'll be fit, trim, and they'll use up their entire 2.5 hours of allotted sleep time every single night sleeping like a rock all tuckered out from all the fun.

I also propose that every day we play a game, we have two versions of the game called "Allah Is Most Merciful" and it shows how merciful is Allah. We won't give an arrow so they'll have to guess the precise direction of Mecca. If anybody guesses wrong it's obviously because Allah has forsaken him and one of the guards will hit him in the skull with a tube sock loaded with wood screws. The other version of "Allah Is Most Merciful" is again played by trying to guess the correct direction to Mecca. This time if you fail you get to play a mini-game called 6 hours of trying to hide the asshole from the psychotic, gay, serial rapist.

This will help keep them on their toes, mind sharp. A sharp mind is a happy mind. Oh, and I almost forgot, instead of a prayer rug, we'll give you a prayer ground. A prayer ground is even better, it's as big as you like, you get to share it with all of your Muslim brothers, and best of all, it was manufactured by Allah himself. We'll even scatter about some magical broken glass shards to increase your comfort and enhance your praying capabilities. Allah hu Awesome!

Instead of Middle Eastern food, which is terribly under-diverse. We'll give you whatever you manage to catch while you're enjoying swimming time. If you don't catch anything, we'll give you bacon as a super tasty consolation prize. I know, I know, you don't like to eat pigs because you've not quite evolved past their level yet and it feels like you're eating a relative. That's ok, consider it a special privilege that we're allowing for a limited time. We'll even have a nice cuddly, tailwaggeric pooch deliver your food to you (don't mind the drool soaked bag, it will help you keep hydrated). It's proven that K9 companions raise people's spirits when they're lonely!

Instead of bottled water to drink, like the prison's staff, we'll give you a cup and an arrow toward the ocean. There's tons of water out there that is Kafir free, totally untouched. We know that the discriminating Jihadi wouldn't be caught dead drinking the beverage of the Infidel!

As for the Library... who wants a library, we'll do you one better, we'll give you a Koran. We'll throw it through a wood chipper first and as soon as you piece it back together you can read it all you want for the following 3 minutes, then we put it back into the chipper and the fun begins anew! We'll call this "crafts and recreation time." If you don't want to join crafts and rec time, you can have rest and relaxation time instead. During rest and relaxation time you get to sunbathe nude, and help the soldiers relax by betting how long it will take for the growling dogs to tear off your naughty bits and nom nom nom on your little Arabian juevos if they let go of his chain. Oh the fun to be had. Aren't you glad you terrorized? If you don't want to stay at my new improved Guantanamo Bay, you can go here instead.

Florence, Colorado "super max" where you can spend 23 hours a day in a 9ft by 9ft cell with the only natural light coming from a skylight outside. Exercise would be limited to an hour indoors five days a week with minimal contact with others. An official study found that most inmates suffer psychological trauma from the severe isolation but you are fucked up in your tiny little brain anyhow so it really doesn't much matter now does it?

Since 2005 an Arab American cultural adviser, who for security reasons is identified only by the name of Zak, has been employed at Guantanamo to liaise with detainees. He said that some detainees would rather stay put than go on trial in the US, where they would probably receive a life sentence or could wait years for a death sentence to be carried out. "They know there will not be the same privileges as here," he said. "Given the choice of being sentenced forever in Guantanamo or moved to supermax, it is 'no, can I stay in Gitmo?'. Here they can be outside, they can smell the sea." Camp guards and senior officers said similar feedback had been received from detainees fearing a tougher life in US jails or back home.

Controversy does still surrounds the centre. Detainees' lawyers make repeated complaints about mental illness and force-feeding of hunger strikers, while earlier this year the prison suffered its fifth prisoner suicide. Adm Copeland described a "psychological battleground" where detainees regularly spit at guards or fling faeces and urine.

I will fix this at Guantanamo by Dillinger. There won't be any force feeding. If you want to starve to death we won't force you to eat. We'll help ensure you aren't forced to eat by nailing you to a cross in the sun and make it a reality show out of it for all the morons back in the states who are bored with John and Kate Plus Hate. We'll call it "Watch Stupid Die." Do you really want to throw feces? Throw urine? That's nasty, childish, and simply not nice. If you can't be nice and you cannot control your urge to play in poo we will simply have to fix this. This isn't Afghanistan where it's part of the culture to chuck shit at one another as a way of flirting... no it certainly is not! Here, in Guantanamo by Dillinger, when you chuck shit at a guard, we will kindly, delicately, and ever so caringly, apply liberal amounts of super-glue to the inside of your anus. You won't have any more problems with those pesky turds getting into your hands.

I can't believe the nerve of people. Thinking that terrorist prisoners should suffer, be made to fear, be punished for killing innocent people or planning to. Simply ignorant! Send them to Guantanamo by Dillinger... "A Nicer, More Happy, Healthy, and Human Prison Experience For That Metropolitan Terrorist On The Go!"

In May, ethnic Uighur Chinese detainees embarrassed officials by staging a protest in front of visiting reporters, waving art pads asking if Mr Obama was a "communist or a Democrat". Despite being cleared for release in 2003, destinations have not been found for most of the Uighurs. Washington refuses to send them and other nationals to home countries where they may face persecution.

Isn't there some dreamlike tropical island where we can send them, find them a job, pay for their homes, food, and general uselessness for the rest of their lives?

Who cares, really, how about we let them out in Hadjidirkistan someplace, give them a kick in the dick and say "buh bye!" They'll sort shit out eventually.

Prophet Muhammad Approved! ... Or, it would be if he could stay sober long enough to approve it! Make your reservations today!