It turns out that despite the fact that the "prisoners" didn't like Guantanamo, they like the super max at Florence, Colorado even less. This is the likely alternative for the most dangerous al-Qaeda suspects.
While the left cried that the center was not meeting international standards, the Pentagon improved living at Guantanamo.
A Republican congressman who visited earlier this year and wants the prison kept open, said that "if there's any scandal at Guantanamo, it is that the detainees are treated too well".
The 221 remaining inmates receive between four and 20 hours outdoor recreation in the Caribbean sun and anything from weekly to almost unlimited access to DVDs and receive three newspapers (USA Today, plus one Egyptian and one Saudi Arabian title) twice a week. Every bed has an arrow pointing towards Mecca and every cell a prayer rug.
The detainees' diet is exclusively Middle Eastern and halal, in observance of regional and religious sensitivities. Dates, olive oil and honey are provided daily and pita bread is baked on the premises. They drink the same bottled water as the prison's staff and have the same access as other prisoners to 16,000 books and 1,600 magazines held at the library.
That is inhuman! Deplorable conditions for "prisoners." I think I should be put in charge of Guantanamo reform. I'll call it, Guantanamo by Dillinger and all the best terrorists will want to come. They'll start out at the gates by receiving their uniform. I'll give each of them a choice between a beautiful pink wool jumpsuit and a decadent purple wool jumpsuit. They will receive so much more humane treatment at Guantanamo by Dillinger.
I'll start the fun filled activities with a violently brutal kicking 5 times a day, we'll do it just before prayer times so they have something to pray about. This adds incentive and reason to live. Instead of news papers to read we'll give them each a single photograph of their choice to look at. They can choose from an extensive selection of one photograph. We'll let them choose a new one each year to keep things fresh.
Instead of unlimited access to DVDs, which is exceptionally cruel, we'll give them unlimited access to one photograph they chose from a selection of one photograph. If they get tired of one photograph we'll give them one other choice which just happens to be a terrible kick in the spleen.
They can participate twice a week if they like, in mandatory dinner and a movie. The movie will be chosen from a selection of 50's era pornography and dinner will consist of a mouth watering selection of wines, liquors, pork products, and a delicate assortment of feral dog reproductive organs. All 100% halal! I certified it myself and if they want proof I will hit them in the face with a hammer. Who can question that!?
If they are really good and give us information that we need without "torture"... what is torture anyhow, so subjective a term, torture to me is listening to Miley Sirus, anyhow, if they do they'll earn conjugal visits. We'll fly in direct from Afghanistan, the finest Afghan goats a Jihadi eye ever fell upon. I tell you, these goats have almost all their hair, minimal mange, we'll even draw a mustache and uni-brow on them if requested.
Right now they get between 4 and 20 hours of outdoor recreation? That's disgusting. I propose they get 15 hours worth of mandatory outdoor recreation. They can choose from several fun filled activities I've preselected for them. Swimming with sharks, swimming with crocodiles, swimming with crocodiles and sharks, or swimming with sharks, crocodiles, and piranhas. It will be tons of fun and they'll be fit, trim, and they'll use up their entire 2.5 hours of allotted sleep time every single night sleeping like a rock all tuckered out from all the fun.
I also propose that every day we play a game, we have two versions of the game called "Allah Is Most Merciful" and it shows how merciful is Allah. We won't give an arrow so they'll have to guess the precise direction of Mecca. If anybody guesses wrong it's obviously because Allah has forsaken him and one of the guards will hit him in the skull with a tube sock loaded with wood screws. The other version of "Allah Is Most Merciful" is again played by trying to guess the correct direction to Mecca. This time if you fail you get to play a mini-game called 6 hours of trying to hide the asshole from the psychotic, gay, serial rapist.
This will help keep them on their toes, mind sharp. A sharp mind is a happy mind. Oh, and I almost forgot, instead of a prayer rug, we'll give you a prayer ground. A prayer ground is even better, it's as big as you like, you get to share it with all of your Muslim brothers, and best of all, it was manufactured by Allah himself. We'll even scatter about some magical broken glass shards to increase your comfort and enhance your praying capabilities. Allah hu Awesome!
Instead of Middle Eastern food, which is terribly under-diverse. We'll give you whatever you manage to catch while you're enjoying swimming time. If you don't catch anything, we'll give you bacon as a super tasty consolation prize. I know, I know, you don't like to eat pigs because you've not quite evolved past their level yet and it feels like you're eating a relative. That's ok, consider it a special privilege that we're allowing for a limited time. We'll even have a nice cuddly, tailwaggeric pooch deliver your food to you (don't mind the drool soaked bag, it will help you keep hydrated). It's proven that K9 companions raise people's spirits when they're lonely!
Instead of bottled water to drink, like the prison's staff, we'll give you a cup and an arrow toward the ocean. There's tons of water out there that is Kafir free, totally untouched. We know that the discriminating Jihadi wouldn't be caught dead drinking the beverage of the Infidel!
As for the Library... who wants a library, we'll do you one better, we'll give you a Koran. We'll throw it through a wood chipper first and as soon as you piece it back together you can read it all you want for the following 3 minutes, then we put it back into the chipper and the fun begins anew! We'll call this "crafts and recreation time." If you don't want to join crafts and rec time, you can have rest and relaxation time instead. During rest and relaxation time you get to sunbathe nude, and help the soldiers relax by betting how long it will take for the growling dogs to tear off your naughty bits and nom nom nom on your little Arabian juevos if they let go of his chain. Oh the fun to be had. Aren't you glad you terrorized? If you don't want to stay at my new improved Guantanamo Bay, you can go here instead.
Florence, Colorado "super max" where you can spend 23 hours a day in a 9ft by 9ft cell with the only natural light coming from a skylight outside. Exercise would be limited to an hour indoors five days a week with minimal contact with others. An official study found that most inmates suffer psychological trauma from the severe isolation but you are fucked up in your tiny little brain anyhow so it really doesn't much matter now does it?
Since 2005 an Arab American cultural adviser, who for security reasons is identified only by the name of Zak, has been employed at Guantanamo to liaise with detainees. He said that some detainees would rather stay put than go on trial in the US, where they would probably receive a life sentence or could wait years for a death sentence to be carried out. "They know there will not be the same privileges as here," he said. "Given the choice of being sentenced forever in Guantanamo or moved to supermax, it is 'no, can I stay in Gitmo?'. Here they can be outside, they can smell the sea." Camp guards and senior officers said similar feedback had been received from detainees fearing a tougher life in US jails or back home.
Controversy does still surrounds the centre. Detainees' lawyers make repeated complaints about mental illness and force-feeding of hunger strikers, while earlier this year the prison suffered its fifth prisoner suicide. Adm Copeland described a "psychological battleground" where detainees regularly spit at guards or fling faeces and urine.
I will fix this at Guantanamo by Dillinger. There won't be any force feeding. If you want to starve to death we won't force you to eat. We'll help ensure you aren't forced to eat by nailing you to a cross in the sun and make it a reality show out of it for all the morons back in the states who are bored with John and Kate Plus Hate. We'll call it "Watch Stupid Die." Do you really want to throw feces? Throw urine? That's nasty, childish, and simply not nice. If you can't be nice and you cannot control your urge to play in poo we will simply have to fix this. This isn't Afghanistan where it's part of the culture to chuck shit at one another as a way of flirting... no it certainly is not! Here, in Guantanamo by Dillinger, when you chuck shit at a guard, we will kindly, delicately, and ever so caringly, apply liberal amounts of super-glue to the inside of your anus. You won't have any more problems with those pesky turds getting into your hands.
I can't believe the nerve of people. Thinking that terrorist prisoners should suffer, be made to fear, be punished for killing innocent people or planning to. Simply ignorant! Send them to Guantanamo by Dillinger... "A Nicer, More Happy, Healthy, and Human Prison Experience For That Metropolitan Terrorist On The Go!"
In May, ethnic Uighur Chinese detainees embarrassed officials by staging a protest in front of visiting reporters, waving art pads asking if Mr Obama was a "communist or a Democrat". Despite being cleared for release in 2003, destinations have not been found for most of the Uighurs. Washington refuses to send them and other nationals to home countries where they may face persecution.
Isn't there some dreamlike tropical island where we can send them, find them a job, pay for their homes, food, and general uselessness for the rest of their lives?
Who cares, really, how about we let them out in Hadjidirkistan someplace, give them a kick in the dick and say "buh bye!" They'll sort shit out eventually.
Prophet Muhammad Approved! ... Or, it would be if he could stay sober long enough to approve it! Make your reservations today!
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