Thursday, April 30, 2009


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

English Police Walk Away Looking Silly & Stupid

I find this really funny. This guy gets harassed by two incompetent police officers who call in and are told they are wrong by command as well. They then wander off as the guy rubs it in.

Unfortunately I think the law that they were trying to enforce that wasn't valid at the time has been passed since then. No filming or photographing police officers. That is a pretty good law for a state trying to go communist. Next thing is forming a Gestapo or KGB to kick the shit out of people since it won't be caught on film. If anybody who reads my blog from the UK can fill me in on summary of this particular issue I would be appreciative.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Limbless MMA Fighter - Asinine Endeavor of The Day

I have seen some dumbass shit in my time on this earth. This is honestly one of the most asinine things I have seen in a very long time... maybe ever. I know, bunches of you are probably going to hate me for this one, and say "what a dick" but you should be used to it by now.

Now on to the story. A man born without arms or legs was the first arm and legless man to fight in a mixed martial arts contest.


Seriously? You're fucking yanking my dick!? Who the fuck has been encouraging this guy? Now I'm as much for empowering the handicapable as the next guy but come-the-fuck-on?

The article claims he was a wrestler in high school and college but let me clear something up. Putting on a spandex wrestling suit (I haven't a clue what you actually call it) and skittering around on the mat for several minutes before another guy gets tired of trying to be p.c. and not simply destroying you in the first 3 seconds does not make you a wrestler.

Another busted ass news source said that Kyle Maynard lost a unanimous decision to amateur Bryan Fry. Fry kept his distance and simply landed jabs as Maynard tried to shoot in for takedowns.

Shoot in for takedowns? Good call random shitty news source. I prefer skittered, I saw the video. I know you're getting pissed that I'm making fun of handicapped people but I don't care so fuck off. I'm only making fun of handicapped people because disability or no disability, people need to know their limits. This "you can do anything you set your mind to" bullshit has simply got to fucking go. Trying to do some shit you simply aren't capable of doing is not only stupid but in this case it's dangerous. I would love to bench press 600 pounds but I don't have the physical ability and no matter how much heart I happen to have it would simply be retarded to attempt it.

"By keeping his distace, Fry did not allow Maynard to grab him physically and bring his considerable wrestling skills to bear." Grab him with what? What is he going to grab a fully grown man with? You cannot hold somebody who weighs 4 times what you do with two stumps I am sorry. Not for lack of heart once again I'm sure.

The other fighter is obviously a more socially acceptable man than I because he complimented the other fighter on his quickness and didn't simply kill him with a swift kick to the eye. What pisses me off even more is that I know full well that if the other fighter had kicked the fuck out of him there would have been all sorts of backlash toward him for it. People would have talked shit and I wouldn't doubt he would simply have trouble even getting matches because of it. That pisses me off because Terri the torso would be the one at fault for putting himself into that situation in the first place, not the guy who kicked the fuck out of him.

I can tell you what I would have done. I would have kicked a field goal with his face 2 seconds in and left him bleeding and unconscious on the mat with a valuable lesson in self awareness. This is simply fucking stupid. Not everybody can do anything they want, some kids are meant to sit the bench and some people are meant to supersize my happy meal whether it's what they dream of or not. Putting a limbless man in the octagon is like putting a 6 year old in charge of engineering a skyscraper.


"I'll bite your legs off!"

Friday, April 24, 2009

Adventures In Driving... Virginia Edition #1

I just had a nice relaxing drive through Virginia today. I wanted to give a quick shout out to a few new friends I made along the way.

1. To college kid in a shiny new honda civic with the fart tube that mommy and daddy bought for you. Nice "shocker" sticker on the bumper. Do you give lots of skanky hos the shocker? I bet the skank-ass hos swarm to your vehicle like flies on shit to see what sort of super-stud might be inside, just hoping your'll stick a pinky up their arse! Mmmmm herpes finger! You my friend are the coolest person I have ever come across in my entire life! Where can I get me one of those sweet stickers so I too can show the world that I am a massive tool who dreams of but will probably never get near a real vagina... or ass (at least of a woman) for that matter. Keep drunkenly groping women's asses in bars, getting smacked silly, and keep the dream alive my friend.

2. Chick in the blue Kia Sorento. Good conversation? Enthralling I'm sure. That must have been some entertaining shit because you were holding your phone with one hand and waving the other one around like you were swatting flies while you talked. Was that your knee you were using to steer or did Jesus have the wheel? I have an idea that I would like to toss in the air for consideration. How about you put the fucking phone down and pay attention to the goddamn road. Maybe if you payed a little bit of attention you might realize that the speed limit is 55 and you're going 45. Oh, and the key is to stay in one lane, not to drive back and forth between two of them. It's just an idea, give it a try sometime.

3. Little Puerto Rican girl in the shitty brown dodge car. What the fuck did you do to that thing. I don't know if I've ever seen a car so shitty in a state that actually requires inspection. That motherfucker was damn impressive. Was it the direct target of an airstrike? I can't believe the thing is still drivable, I was seriously waiting for pieces to fall off... big fucking pieces. Was that duct tape holding the back bumper on? Those were sweet sunglasses too, nearly the same size as the windshield, which looked quite nice in neon yellow with your bulbous cranium. Kudos on the hoop earrings too, do those double as basketball hoops? Can you actually see over the dashboard? I don't think you can, I'm guessing that is why your car looks like you entered it into a demolition derby with an M1 Abrams tank. You just keep being you because it's people like you on the road that keep my ass on my toes!

4. To the soccer mom type in the maroon Ford Windstar with no hubcaps. Minivan Madness Baby! How many kids do you own, 20, 30, Jesus H Christ on a stick lady! I have a tip for you as well. Seatbelts... they are a wonderful invention. If you strap those hyperactive little demons down, not only do they not fly out the window (which may not be a bad thing) but they also stay the fuck in their seats while your ass is supposed to be paying attention. Is it hard to see what is in front of you... like other cars, when you're turned 180 degrees and swerving all over the road while you swat at unruly animals in the seat behind you? That takes talent! I don't know how the hell you not only managed to not sideswipe the car beside you but also avoid ass-packing the line of cars that were stopped at the light in front of you. You ma'am are a fucking pro! Did that child bloody his nose on the back of the seat when you slammed on the breaks? Have fun at soccer practice, and don't forget to take a headcount before you leave. Don't leave little jimmy there because he'll need to be watched with that concussion he's surely got.

I simply love driving. I would venture to say that it's better than cable television. It's kind of like when you go to the zoo and just happen to be lucky enough to witness the fabled monkey poo fight. Life wouldn't be nearly as interesting without rampant stupidity in every direction.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Apple Hates Babies... Hates Angry, Bitching P.C. Retards More Though

Apple landed in the center of a bitch-fest with children's groups and angry parents after approving the Baby Shaker game in the iPhone App Store on Monday. Under pressure and criticism, Apple has now removed the application from its store.

The Baby Shaker iPhone app, developed by Sikalosoft, featured multiple drawings of a baby. The player had to stop the baby from crying by shaking the phone until red X marks showed up over the baby's eyes. Baby Shaker reportedly appeared in the App Store on Monday and then was removed on Wednesday night.

"Child advocates" (religious zealots & whiny hippies) were at the core of the app's removal, claiming "the Baby Shaker game is saying that killing babies is acceptable".


Wait... so killing babies isn't acceptable? Fuck, people are a buzzkill. Oh well, there's still abortion states! (no, I wouldn't really kill a baby even though I do hate them... I would just mail it to Tahiti instead). So, instead of telling the wankers to change their pad and get on with it, Apple caved in and removed the app.

You know America, all you special groups, I have something to say to you. You, my friends, should be kicked in the balls by martial arts expert. If you don't like my sense of humor I don't give a flying fuck. If you don't like what I do, I also don't give a fuck. If you don't like what I say, I'm going to say it that much more. You worry about your life and I'll worry about mine.

I wouldn't pay .99 cents for some stupid, mindless shit like that but the fact remains that if somebody made it and somebody wants to buy it then it should be allowed. It's not physically hurting anybody and nobody who isn't already psycho is going to be convinced that the game makes it alright. Why the hell must people always push their conservative ass-clown views on everybody else. Go take a fucking shower in Chlorine gas!

Offensiveness is subjective and therefore should not be regulated. If some guy who knows every bible passage by heart and jerks off to a picture of Jesus wants to take away my right to say the word fuck, that should really have no more bearing than the fact that I want his bible taken away and burned. I hope each and every one of you crusaders for stupid shit like this die of horrific ass cancer.


See? That's funny shit! If you don't think so... oh well, I don't care, I only write for two purposes, to amuse the few and offend the masses.

Rescue Annie Is A French Suicide Victim From Late 1800's?

Did you ever take First Aid & CPR classes? Ever wonder about the face of that dummy that they use? Probably not. I actually didn't until I took an instructor class a couple years back. For some reason this just popped into my head and I thought it was a bit morbid and a little interesting so I would pass it on.

Rescue Annie or Resusci-Annie depending on who one asks, is the More common form of CPR dummy that is used for practice in class.


Annie isn't just an innocent CPR practice victim though. Annie may in fact be the death mask of "L'Inconnue de la Seine" which is (French for "the unknown woman of the Seine") was an unidentified young woman whose death mask became a popular fixture on the walls of artists' homes after 1900. Her visage was the inspiration for numerous literary works.

According to an often-repeated story, the body of the young woman was pulled out of the Seine River at the Quai de Louvre in Paris around the late 1880s.


The body showed no signs of violence, and suicide was suspected. According to some accounts a pathologist at the Paris morgue was so taken by her beauty that he had a moulder make a plaster cast death mask of her face. The identity of the girl was never discovered.


In the following years, numerous copies were produced. The copies quickly became a fashionable morbid fixture in Parisian Bohemian society. Albert Camus and others compared her enigmatic smile to that of the Mona Lisa, inviting numerous speculations as to what clues the eerily happy expression in her face could offer about her life, her death, and her place in society.

The popularity of the figure is also of interest to the history of artistic media, relating to its widespread reproduction. The original cast had been photographed, and new casts were created back from the film negatives. These new casts displayed details that are usually lost in bodies taken from the water, but the apparent preservation of these details in the visage of the cast seemed to only reinforce its authenticity.

Critic A. Alvarez wrote in his book on suicide, The Savage God: "I am told that a whole generation of German girls modeled their looks on her." According to Hans Hesse of the University of Sussex, Alvarez reports, "the Inconnue became the erotic ideal of the period, as Bardot was for the 1950s. He thinks that German actresses like Elisabeth Bergner modeled themselves on her.


There are additional speculations as to the origins of annie but this seems to be the most widespread one, and by far the most interesting that I came across. So, next time you're taking a CPR class and it's your turn to practice rescue breaths, you'll look at the dummy differently I think.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I Want To Be Dear Abby!

We'll call it Dear Dillinger. You send me your questions and I will answer them. I can do this, I'm a professional with advice. For example, today a woman asked the following question:

We recently celebrated my stepdaughter's 40th birthday. After dinner I placed the birthday cake, along with the knife, cake server, plates and forks, in front of her. We sang "Happy Birthday," and she blew out the candles.

Shortly afterward, I realized she was not cutting and serving the cake, so I asked if she wanted her father or me to do it.

I was raised with the idea that the person whose birthday it is should serve the cake to those celebrating with her (or him). Now I have begun to wonder, what is the proper custom regarding who should cut and serve the birthday cake? -- CURIOUS IN SAN FRANCISCO

Now that isn't hard at all. Lady, take a second, stop, and punch yourself in the eye. You are retarded! Why do some people need a certain order or "etiquette" for every simple, dumbass task? It's like asking for a the proper custom for breathing (not really but close enough). If the bitch doesn't start cutting the cake and you're impatient then say "hey, you wanna cut that fucker or what?". If that doesn't suit your delicate sensibilities you can leave out "fucker", or just grab the cutlery yourself and do your own ginsu shit on it. What the fuck good does knowing the "custom" do in such a situation? Just so some hippie-ass retard can pretend to be informed, and then inform others.


I was the only person working out in the gym at my apartment complex the other evening when a man, presumably another resident, came to the front door. To enter, you must swipe your access card on the keypad.

He apparently did not have his access card with him and sat outside the door waiting for me to let him in. Because I was working on a cardio machine and trying to maintain my heart rate, I didn't want to interrupt my workout to open the door. He eventually tired of waiting and left.

Should I have stopped and let the person in the door? Or should he have gone back to get his access card? -- CARDIO CARRIE IN GEORGIA

You said you were trying to get cardio right. There's nothing that I can think of that is more of a cardiovascular workout than screaming in terror while trying to fight off a violent rapist or getting chased by a serial murderer. Now put yourself in the creepster's shoes. He's going to have to also break into somebody's apartment and likely kill them too just to get a card so he can get in and violate you. That's a lot of energy burned just to get off right quick. Let the silly bastard in, it's a grand idea, nobody in America would every have ill-intentions, where do you think you are... Africa?

I really enjoy answering questions and helping people do "the right thing". Please, if there is anything on your mind that you just aren't sure what to do, you may email me at "". That's a real email address, no shit. If you have a question email me, if you read my blog and love it, email me, if you hate it and wish terrible things on me, let me know!

"I Cleaned Up Your Mess Today"

This was actually posted on craigslist amongst the "best of". Many of those were quite funny but this one was very sad. It's shit like this that is why I stand by my view that a good half of those passing for humans should in fact be "put to sleep".

You decided that you wanted to move to an apartment that didn't allow pets (and by the way, landlords are forbidden to do this in Toronto). I don't know what lured you. Maybe it was a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Maybe it was a great view. Maybe you liked the woodwork. At any rate, it was more important to you than she was. So you took her down to the shelter, still wearing her cute little pink leopard collar with a bow, and you cheerfully wrote on the card that she was very healthy for her age and friendly and just likes to sleep in the sun! I guess you knew her pretty well - you put her birthday down on the card, too, making me believe you've probably had her for her entire life.

Then you left, secure in your rationalization that somehow, in the midst of kitten season, your seventeen year old cat would find a home. The shelter took a picture of her scared face and big eyes and put it on the web.

For two weeks, I looked at that picture. I hoped someone else would see her fear and feel compelled to help her, but the public wasn't seeing her. She was back in isolation, getting vitamin B shots and subcutaneous fluids. The tech wrote "depressed" on her card. I'm not surprised. I'd be depressed too if I went from "sleeping in the sun" to a metal cage with a thin layer of newspaper.

Finally today, I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt too guilty thinking about her sitting in that cage at her age. So I went down and I got her, and now she's curled up on a fleece baby blanket in a cat tree in my bathroom. When I go in there, she rubs her head on my hand.

Today, I cleaned up your mess. I felt worse for your cat than you did. And all over the city, other rescuers did the same. They rescued your abandoned cats and dogs and bunnies and exotics. And we all wondered the same thing as we did it: How could you create this situation? How is it that you feel no remorse? How is it that you were you able to walk away from an animal you shared your home with for a year, ten years, fifteen years, knowing that they might die because of your actions?

I'll never meet you to ask you those questions. I just hope I meet the person who will be good enough to give your baby that sunny spot to sleep for the rest of her life (however long that is). She deserves it, and it's a crying shame you didn't have the decency to give it to her.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

For Sale One Autographed Copy of Holy Bible

$1,000,000 Or High Bid

One nearly mint condition, autographed copy of the Holy Bible. This bad boy has been signed in person by the man himself, Jesus Christ. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that no true enthusiast should pass up. To my knowledge, the copy I have in my possession is the only autographed copy of the Holy Bible in existence today. I took my copy down with me to the antiques road show and they confirmed that it was in fact signed by Jesus himself sometime around 24 AD.

It is speculated that this particular copy was given as a gift to Judas Iscariot in what Judas described as "a lame attempt at winning back my favor after getting drunk and shagging my sister!" Judas threw the book into a dust bin on the way home and a homeless man bore witness to said event. This homeless man retrieved the signed bible, brushed it off and placed traded it for a chicken. Lost for years, nobody knew where the book went until Pope Innocent II found it during some renovations to the Popal living quarters in 1132. Nobody can explain how it got there... Miracle? I wouldn't rule it out folks!

The autographed bible stayed in the Popal residence for 219 years, until 1351 when it was stolen by pirates who raided the residence looking for a cure for the bubonic plague. When it was discovered that even this did not work it was buried along with several pounds of booty on a secluded section of the Florida coast in what was fortunate to be a water tight chest. A good friend of mine managed to find the chest of booty when he got drunk tripped over it. He's an atheist so he had no use for this bible and was going to put it in his yard sale when I snagged it.

This thing is in simply amazing condition and I hate to get rid of it but due to the economy I need the money to pay my bills or they are going to foreclose on my house. Please do not contact me if you are not serious. Information and bids should be left in my comments and I will screen them there as necessary. This is a more than fair price as this book was appraised at nearly three times what I'm asking. This is a freaking fire sale people.

Photos Will Only Be Provided Upon Request By Serious Bidders

Cell Phones and Cash Registers


Today! I am the etiquette gestapo! That's fucking right, I don't give a shit if you like it or not so sit the fuck down, shut the hell up, and listen like you're about to hear the meaning of your wasted life! First let me just say that I'm not going to stick 100% to the subjects in the title. The subjects in the title are my main concern but we'll get to them in due time.

This morning I had to stop at the store to get milk before work. I ran out of milk last night and I tend to drink a lot of it. If I go after work the place will be packed and I will lose 3 to 4 precious minutes of my very valuable time in line as opposed to 1 or 2 if I go before work and just throw it in the work fridge until I leave. So, I went the the convenience store to get my milk.

I obtained my milk and headed for the cash register, hoping to get there before a line of back-woods, slack-jawed, yokel-ass, hillbillies got in line in front of me like they usually do. There's nothing worse than having to wait in line behind an amish person dressed like a gothic chick if there had been one in the little house on the prairie series. Amish people don't even know it isn't 1812 let alone how to buy shit from a store in a timely fucking manner. Between the half-wit, two and a half tooth having cashier and the inbred relic of ancient history it comes out to a combined IQ of a shit stained pine cone and a checkout time of 5 goddamn minutes.

Next in line is Billy-Bob. I don't know his real name, I don't care. Billy-Bob doesn't even have a job. Not only doesn't he have a job, he doesn't do a goddamn thing, ever, except pollute space with his presence. He's wearing a horribly torn, lined, flannel shirt, with excessive welding related burn marks on it, jeans that are both huge and yet 9 sizes too small, and walmart brand work boots with the steel (or plastic more likely) exposed from the protective toes. He smells a bit musty, a bit more like stale alcohol, a dash of body odor, several day old campfire, and rotten welfare wife vagina all heaped on top of a pile of despair.

Billy-Bob has a supersized can of some energy drink, rockstar, or amp. Not your 16oz. Fuck no, Billy-Bob has a supersized day ahead of him, he needs to power to keep on keepin on! This is the 965 oz. can of energy drink or some shit, it's 4 times the size of his big-ass, hairy, gnarled, gorilla paws he's holding it with. then when Billy-Bob who is also wearing a "Git-R-Done" hat gets to the register he isn't done.

P.S. If you own a "Git-R-Done" anything, you are a fucking retard and I hope you get hit by a bus. Larry the cable guy is about as funny as a tumor on the dick of a 70 year old hermaphrodite hooker with aids shooting heroin into it's eye in front of a liquor store holding an AK-47 and shouting death threats at small children. (ok, admittedly that's funny to me, but to most of humanity not so much)

Anyhow, Billy-Bob would like 636 packs of USA Gold brand cigarettes.


These mi amigos are the cigarettes of champions. These are what Michael Phelps would smoke if he wasn't blazin the chronic instead. These bad boys will straight up give you superpowers! Granted, the superpowers are the kind that you get from radioactive materials in cartoons, but who the fuck cares, they cost like 17 cents a pack and the tumor that they cause will be able to dish out relationship advice and provide satellite tracking information.

Finally Billy-Bob gets his shit done and moves the hell out of the way and it's super-mom's turn. Super-mom is an idiotic small town retard of an aging hipster mother of 2. Christ do I hate this woman. She lives in this crap-hole town and drives a big honkin Chevy Suburban, or as I like to call it the Chevy Deathstar. Who the fuck could possibly need a vehicle this size. This beast takes up two whole parking spaces. Partly because the bitch can't park for shit, and partly because of it's size.

Super mom obviously spends copious amounts of time on her appearance because she's all tricked the fuck out beyond what any of the other skankle-ass-crack-whore's in this town are. She appears to be in her early 40's or so but she dresses like a former American Eagle model (back when it was cool... if it every really was) and she just can't let it go even though she's old. I'm not sure that's a terrible thing, I think it's better than "mom jeans" but still slightly funny. The part that pisses me off is the attitude on this woman.

It's quite obvious that she thinks she's hot shit. The woman struts around like every dude on earth not only wants but would trade a billion dollar lottery ticket for a night with her. She's probably right in this town but a chipped cubic zirconia is still worth fuckall even if compared to a town full of fossilized dog turds. I really just want to tell her "lady, you're married and have two teenage kids, you live in "shit town usa" and you drive a soccer mom vehicle, your shit is middle aged and abused and just because the Billy-Bobs of the world prefer you over their wives who regularly maturbate with a basketball, doesn't mean you're worth anything in the real world so get the fuck over your broke-ass self!"

Now, redneck-town-beauty-queen mom is chillin in line while her two idiotic sons who both look stoned but it's really just the stupidity gleaming through, are getting coffee while she holds a place in line. Let me ask you... what the hell kind of shitty ass mother lets her children drink coffee? The younger of these two little bastards is probably actually 11 or 12 and the older of the two might be 14 or 15. My mom would have slapped the taste out of my mouth for even suggesting that I might want coffee when I was 12. I can hear it now... That crap will stunt your growth!

Yeah yeah I know it's 2009 but the shit is technically a mild fucking narcotic and kids are all A.D.H.Fucking.D'd out any-goddamn-way so all they need is uppers. Give the little bastards some apple juice and tell them to shut the fuck up and drink it before you lock them in the basement for the next week. Kids don't need that shit, kids are fucking retards without stimulants. This is why teachers can't manage to teach anything in schools anymore. No, not because of the coffee, because parents are fucking retards and teach their kids the way of retardation which then carries into schools and creates problematic, lazy, future union employees.

Not only is the bitch a bad mother but she's breaking one of my top 10 rules of public etiquette. Yeah, who are you to set the rules of etiquette you're probably asking. Well to that I say who the fuck are you to question my authority to write the rules of etiquette? I may have a filthy mouth when I choose to (i.e. my blog... aka my form of therapy) but I also have the ability to control it when and where I choose. I can be the most polite and well mannered person you'll ever meet if it suits the situation.

Now is not the time for that shit because right now I'm making a point and harsh and angry usually gets attention! Now, on to my rules, I don't know which number this rule fits under as far as scale of importance but it doesn't matter. I don't even know what the rest of my top 10 rules are off the top of my head but I know this is one of them.

When you walk up to the cash register or when you go through the drive-through, or when you have to deal with somebody who you must interact with to purchase something or for any other purpose in public, GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE!!!! I don't care who the hell you are on the phone with or how important you might think that you, or your call may be, YOU ARE WRONG! I assure you that neither you, nor your contact will die if you have to call him/her back once you've completed the interaction. First of all you aren't paying attention, and then you end up saying asking the cashier or the person on the phone to repeat themselves, people get confused, people behind you get annoyed, don't fucking do it.

There is not a single subject in the entire world that can be both so important that you cannot hang up the phone and call back when you're finished, and yet so mundane that you can continue it while in the checkout at the fucking convenience/grocery store! If your call is in your mind so important that you simply cannot discontinue it even for this brief period of time, stay the fuck out of the line, do not approach the counter, do not inhabit a crowded area.

I don't care if you stay in the store, I really don't, I don't even really care if I hear you if you aren't overly obnoxious. In fact, your moronic conversation usually gives me something to blog about later. All I ask, and I'm pretty sure most of the rest of the world asks, is that you simply stay out of the way while you chatter away like a demented mental patient about what's for dinner, your kid's soccer game, how hot his ass was, or what the doctor prescribed for your recently contracted genital herpes.

Cell phones are great, I couldn't live without mine. I even talk on my phone in the store on occasion. I keep the volume of my voice low if I do though and try not to talk about personal things, go to an uninhabited corner of the store or go outside instead. I will always hang up and call back if I feel the need to checkout before the conversation is over. Have some fucking manners for christ sake and show some courtesy to the person at the register.

I know that you're so cool and important that you find it very difficult but even somebody with your staggering social godliness can manage it. If you don't, expect that someday you're going to be in front of that one guy who's just a little less patient than I, and he's going to take that cell phone and shove it so far up your ass that the LED lights will make your fucking eyes glow. I just hope I'm there to see it.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Obama and Hugo... Such A Cute Couple and Our President Is Apparently The Taker

I sincerely hate people. By "people" I certainly mean the left wing. There seems to be no end to the lengths of fumbling, salivating, and generally blind stupidity to follow any asinine and self destructive idea established 400 years ago and is somehow mistakenly passed off as a modern progressive ideal by a half-wit South American dictator. As if the idiocracy of the sheeple isn't bad enough by itself, our Predient, the leader of this formerly great country also bends over and says "no KY? no problem, I'm a taker".

PORT OF SPAIN (AFP) – A book accusing the United States of being a neo-colonial bully in the Americas has rocketed up the sales charts, after a copy was given as a gift by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to US leader Barack Obama.


The book, "The Open Veins of Latin America" was given by Chavez, a longtime US critic, to Obama Saturday at an Americas summit in Trinidad and Tobago.

The work by Uruguayan author Eduardo Galeano is about the region's colonial past and exploitation by the world's big powers -- themes hammered constantly by Chavez, who frequently accuses the United States of "imperialist" policies.

Obama on Sunday called the gift "a nice gesture."

"I think it was, it was a nice gesture to give me a book," he said at a press conference at the conclusion of the three day summit. "I'm a reader."

Obama added that recent harsh rhetoric did not mean that the two countries could not engage in civil dialogue.

"It's unlikely that as a consequence of me shaking hands or having a polite conversation with Mr. Chavez that we are endangering the strategic interest of the United States," Obama said.

Good Obama, keep bowing like a servant to camel fucking "royalty" from the middle east. Keep shitting your pants and walking away like a gutless father who's children literally beat him up when North Korea disobeys and launches long range ballistic missiles. Keep having your little sit downs with countries like Iran to tell them why they shouldn't build nuclear programs at lunch time because that's the only time they'll take a minute from building nuclear programs to talk to you.

It's a nice gesture? IT'S A NICE FUCKING GESTURE!?!? A South American DICTATOR who openly, constantly, verbally, tears down the U.S. gives you an (agreeably outdated) anti-American book and you say it's a nice gesture? You... Mr. President... are a massive piece of dog shit in a crisp new suit. Dog shit in suits may look better than dog shit that isn't wearing a suit it still reaks of shit and makes no positive contribution to society.

Our president is a tree hugging hippie assclown without even the balls to to stand up for himself against an unruly quadriplegic girl scout and this is the man who's supposed to lead our country? This fucking eunuch needs to go. As for Chavez, he needs lured to a "summit" or meeting or whatever you want to call it, fitted for a nice pair of cement shoes and sent Christmas fishing with Scott Peterson... at the very least a Glasgow Grin and a boot in the ass.

Friday, April 17, 2009

GM Government Backed Warranty & Auto Repair... Our Prayers Are Answered!

Thinking about buying a GM or Chrysler automobile? Concerned about what will happen to the warranty if the big U.S. auto-makers go bust? Never you fear, President Messiah has something to say to you!

This is the greatest thing I've ever heard! I love American automobiles because of their amazing reliability! I would never own one of those stupid Japanese manufactured cars that run forever with minimal maintenance, what fun is that? Always knowing my car will get me where I want to go simply has no element of surprise and surprise is the spice of life. I want a car that I know will kick the shitter on a regular and totally unpredictable basis!

I want a car that I know was assembled by spoiled, overpaid, union employees who get 17 breaks a day and barely pay attention to their job when they aren't on break. This is how I choose my car. I simply ask, did the man who connected my battery cable to the alternator make $43 an hour to do just that 3 times in each 8 hour shift (with 4.75 hours of break time in between of course)? If they tell me yes I say "SOLD!!".

When my awesome new car craps out 4 months into it after driving a whopping 2,000 miles I do the natural thing, I look for a repair shop. Not just any repair shop do I seek out, no sir. I shop around. I ask questions, I grill them. I want the repair shop that costs the most money even with a warranty. I look for the repair shop with the most unkempt employees who generally lack any knowledge including how to properly tie his or her shoes.

I look for exceptionally unfriendly sales staff. I look for mountains of paperwork. I look for long, long waits, I love waiting rooms, especially for hours at a time, on my only day off. I want to know I'll pay out the ass, wait forever for repairs, and when I finally get those repairs, they will be half-assed at best. Knowing I got taken for a ride helps me sleep at night... like a baby! Well now I'm in luck. I suggest you get on board. Check out the very first commercial for government backed auto repair.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Liberal Gun Grabbers

If you have the ability to see things from a non-biased perspective or you are for guns, this should piss you off quite thoroughly. This was an impressive atrocity of left wing shit entitled "Gun Rush" on 60 Minutes this past weekend.

The second video overlaps the first one... to get the rest of the story go to 2:40 into the second video.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Just Funny, That's All

Illegal Immigration Stimulus Package

Our Messiah wants a stimulus plan? Here's my stimulus plan. We kick out every illegal immigrant in the country. When we do find them here in the streets or in our hospitals we kick them out up to 3 times and then we execute them on the 4th. We could save billions for our own economy this way.

$11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens
each year by state governments.

$2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs
such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.

$2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.

$12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!

$17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born
children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.">

$3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.

30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.

$90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.

$200 Billion dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.

The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two
and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular,
their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem
in the US.

During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens
that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal
aliens from Terrorist Countries... Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine,
meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U.S. from the Southern border.

The National policy Institute, estimated that the total cost of
mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or
an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a
five year period.


In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances to
their countries of origin.

'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One million
sex crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States'



See Americans Aren't The Only Morons In The World By Far

I would like to give Australia my recognition as cunts of the week for this little gem of douchebaggery that would even make the bible belt proud.

Two leading Australian Rules players have been fined A$5,000 (2,428 pounds) each for their part in making an offensive video showing a rubber chicken simulating sex with a chicken carcass.

The video, which was posted on the internet this week but subsequently removed, has been described as tasteless and offensive to women.

So let me just sum this up to get it straight in my head. In australia they allow women to walk around topless on the beach (an activity of which I am a huge fan), but it's offensive to make a joke video of a rubber chicken having sex with a dead chicken? This is not just offensive to anybody, it's offensive to women?

Ok I'm confused, why is this offensive to women? Really, I don't know, how does a rubber chicken and a dead chicken have anything to do with a human woman? If anybody can explain this one to me please do. I promise I will not hold it against you for being what I'm absolutely sure is an idiotic and generally retarded comparison. Are we saying since women have sex they are like chickens?

Wait, this is like the arguement that goes along the following lines?

Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us.
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1: Burn them.
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1: More witches.
Peasant 2: Wood.
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn?
Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood?
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1: Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Gravy.
Peasant 3: Cherries.
Peasant 1: Mud.
Peasant 2: Churches.
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck.
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically...
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood.
Sir Bedevere: And therefore...
Peasant 2: ...A witch!

Am I right? I must be, it makes perfect sense. Well, it makes as much sense as how that video could be offensive to women, or anybody else with an IQ higher than his/her shoe size. Thanks australia, you just keep up staring at what I'm sure is a simply magnificent view of the inside of your own arse.

Children Ruin Lives


I decided long ago that I can't stand children. In my college years I worked part time as a lifeguard for several summers and I'm quite sure that's the root of it. Kids are little bastards who don't listen and aren't smart. I see them as no different in any way from an uneducated adult with a growth disorder. They aren't cute, they aren't entertaining, they don't serve any purpose in my world whatsoever. It is for this reason that I simply could not fail to post this article with yet another reinforcing reason as to why I will NEVER have kids. And for those of you conservatives out there, I would HIGHLY encourage abortion for anybody who didn't want kids and it's not your choice so fuck off!

I dedicate this one to all the coworkers who go from bitching about their ungrateful bastard children being hateful creatures which make their lives miserable and disrupt their sleep to telling me that they're great and "someday you'll change your mind." The fuck I will! I'll hurl myself into an industrial wood chipper before I'll ruin my life with a child. Anyhow, on to my article.

I know that nobody can argue that kids make it more difficult to do general adult activities (not just sex) and have it be stress free and enjoyable. Whether you like it or not, if you have children your life takes a serious shift from being about you as an individual or you as a couple to being 90% about your kids. That is going to take a toll on a relationship. Now, scientists actually have put some numbers forward to prove it.

An eight-year study of 218 couples found 90 percent experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.

"Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time," says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. "However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child."

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.

There are key variables to note in the new study.

Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. They tended to have been married longer or had higher incomes.

Children don't ruin everything, Stanley points out.

"There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building," he said. "This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research."

Whatever Stanley - In other words, step back for a moment and say something to keep from offending the people who have no lives other than their irritating children.

You can't make this stuff up... Well, I could have made this stuff up, in fact I could have pointed out specific examples, but now there's scientific proof to backup my point. This is from research, funded by a grant to the University of Denver from the National Institutes of Health, is detailed in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Nonsmokers Cost Soceity More Than Smokers

Once again, it turns out the hippy, whiney, left wing asshats are wrong. You know the crusade, you've heard it before. Smoking takes years off your life and adds to the cost of health care.

Well fucksticks, it turns out that nonsmokers cost society money, too — by living longer. We constantly hear about all of the health risks and the problems that smoking causes, how terrible it is, this and that and it's all just something to bitch about.

Supporters of a bill to put more regulation on tobacco products cite Centers for Disease Control and Prevention figures stating that "smokers cost the country $96 billion a year in direct health care costs, and an additional $97 billion a year in lost productivity."

A White House statement supporting the bill, which awaits action in the Senate, echoed the argument by contending that tobacco use "accounts for over a $100 billion annually in financial costs to the economy."

It turns out, according to the CDC that smokers die approximately 10 years earlier than nonsmokers and those premature deaths lead to savings to Medicare, Social Security, private pensions and other programs.

Vanderbilt University economist Kip Viscusi studied the net costs of smoking-related spending and savings and found that for every pack of cigarettes smoked, the country reaps a net cost savings of 32 cents.

"It looks unpleasant or ghoulish to look at the cost savings as well as the cost increases and it's not a good thing that smoking kills people," Viscusi said in an interview. "But if you're going to follow this health-cost train all the way, you have to take into account all the effects, not just the ones you like in terms of getting your bill passed."

Viscusi worked as a litigation expert for the tobacco industry in lawsuits by states but said that his research, which has been published in peer-reviewed journals, has never been funded by industry.

On a similar note:

A Dutch study published last year in the Public Library of Science Medicine journal said that health care costs for smokers were about $326,000 from age 20 on, compared to about $417,000 for thin and healthy people.

The reason: The thin, healthy people lived much longer.

And Finally

Willard Manning, a professor of health economics and policy at the University of Chicago's Harris School of Public Policy Studies, was lead author on a paper published two decades ago in the Journal of the American Medical Association that found that, taking into account tobacco taxes in effect at the time, smokers were not a financial burden to society.

"We were actually quite surprised by the finding because we were pretty sure that smokers were getting cross-subsidized by everybody else," said Manning, who suspects the findings would be similar today. "But it was only when we put all the pieces together that we found it was pretty much a wash."

Of course, the government backpeddles and says

The goal of the U.S. health care system is "prolonging disability-free life," states the 2004 Surgeon General's report on the health consequences of smoking. "Thus any negative economic impacts from gains in longevity with smoking reduction should not be emphasized in public health decisions."

Dr. Terry Pechacek, the CDC associate director for science in the office on smoking and health, said that data seeking to quantify economic benefits of smoking couldn't capture all the benefits associated with longevity, like a grandparent's contribution to a family. Because of such uncertainties the CDC won't put a price tag on savings from smoking.

"The natural train of logic that follows from that is that then anybody that's admitted around age 65 or older that's showing any signs of sickness should be denied treatment," Pechacek said. "That's the cheapest thing to do."

My guess is that somehow somebody in the tobacco industry failed to pay the recommended amount of bribe money and they fell out of favor. I'm not even a smoker, I can't stand cigarette smoke when I'm sober. If I've had a lot to drink I may actually smoke but normally I find it disgusting and avoid it. The thing is that I also do feel that I have the right to tell somebody they can't do it, even if I might have to walk past their cloud of smoke. I do significant amounts of Industrial Hygiene work (air quality) as part of my job.

From experience, walking through that cloud even 25 times a day isn't going to hurt me if I do it daily. Lock the non smoker in a small room with a person who smokes 3 packs a day in an 8 hour period every day and you have a different story. My point is that I don't care if you don't like it, I don't care if you are repulsed by it, it's not your body, it's not your choice, so shut the fuck up. If you don't want to smoke don't smoke. If you don't want to breathe the smoke of others walk away from it.

If you don't want to see it turn your head. There is no way the government should be telling citizens what they can and cannot do with their own body. Smoking is just one example of something that they want to ban for whatever reason and with every reason that is proven invalid they just make up something else that sounds good. Reasons to ban guns is another one. It's ridiculous so just let it the fuck go you assholes. If I want to smoke it should be my choice and if I want to hurl myself off a bridge that should be my choice too. Fuck it...


Seriously? What else has this woman got if she can't slowly commit suicide through cigarettes? That's probably the only thing keeping her from going on a rampage.

Stupid + Gasoline = Homeless People

Since I'm on the subject of people who should be "shipped away" "to live on a farm where they can be happy and roam free." They'll be happier there I promise, they can play with the chickens and chase the cows just like my favorite dog when I was a kid. My parents used to tell me how he loved he farm but it was too far to visit. It'll be lovely! Aaaaanyhow!

CHILTON, Wis. – A man faces an arson charge after telling authorities he wasn't thinking when he decided to use gasoline for cleaning up his apartment, and then tossed a lit cigarette into a pile of gas-soaked cushions and clothes. A criminal complaint filed Monday quoted a 47-year-old man as saying he knew gasoline is flammable and never should have used it.

The complaint said that when the fire began Friday, he didn't pull the fire alarm but instead shouted "fire" a couple times and walked to the Menasha police department for an ambulance to take him to the hospital where he was treated for burns.

Firefighters said the blaze extensively damaged the apartment and caused heavy smoke damage throughout the building, putting tenants of 11 other units out of their homes.

Original Story

They should have taken him back and thrown him back into the fire to finish the job. I have no patience or sympathy for stupidity and I would say I'm sorry for that but I'm not, and that's probably why you read my blog in the first place.

I Done Did Seen A Undenturfried Flying Object!

MORRIS PLAINS, N.J. – Two New Jersey men who staged a UFO hoax will have more earthly pursuits, such as picking up trash from the side of the road.

A judge fined Chris Russo, of Morris Plains, and Joe Rudy, of Chester Township, $250 each and ordered them to perform 50 hours of community service.

Authorities say the pair triggered a flurry of 911 calls when they lit road flares tied to helium balloons and released them in central New Jersey in January and February.

The men said they did it to trick people who believe in UFOs. They posted details of their exploits on a Web site on April Fools' Day.

The prosecutor charged them with disorderly conduct, saying the balloons could have interfered with air traffic and posed a potential fire hazard.

I'm not sure we aren't going too far bringing criminal charges against these guys for tricking idiots. Could the police not have said "sure, UFO huh, we'll be right over" and then went back to their box of doughnuts? If somebody shoots off a bottle rocket and I happen to be mentally deficient enough to think that it's the beginning of a Chinese invasion does that make it his fault? If somebody makes crop circles and I happen to be insane enough to think it's a sign from the gods to go on some sort of fucked up rampage, does that make it their fault? Here we go again! Put the blame where the blame belongs.

If some yokel with a 75 IQ, three teeth, 12 kids, and a wife who was immediate family BEFORE the marriage see's a UFO then we've already pinpointed the problem without bringing criminal charges on the guy who turned on his porch light. Nobody got hurt and the longer we protect the idiotic masses in this country the dumber we get as a whole.

It isn't their fault that people are actually stupid enough to not only believe that these are probably space vehicles but they believe it enough to call 911. These are the type of people who consider calling 911 when the girl at the McDonald's drive-through refuses to give them 75 packs of ketchup instead of 74 or they don't get as much shrimp as they would like in their rice.


Peanuts Kill The Stupid

You'll excuse please if I added some of my own commentary to the article where I felt it was lacking enthusiasm.

MADISON, Wis. – Wisconsin is asking people to refrain from feeding squirrels at the state Capitol because they might inadvertently harm a child with a peanut allergy. The state sent a letter Monday to tenants of a downtown Madison office building, asking whomever has been feeding the squirrels on the Capitol lawn to please stop.

Someone has apparently been carpeting the Capitol lawn with peanuts says some asshat representing the state. He says the indiscriminate nut-tossing might pose a risk because thousands of school children tour the building each year and some might have peanut allergies.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says 4 percent to 8 percent of children have a food allergy, with peanuts being one of the most common. Some can have a reaction just touching or being near peanuts.

This is a perfect example of what pisses me off about the world today. It is not the public's job to babysit the rest of the world. Don't feed the squirrels because somebody's drooling mongoloid of a child might eat random objects they find on the ground and die? Are you fucking serious? If your child is stupid enough to pick shit up off the ground from a public place and eat it and that causes death then this is not "an unfortunate accident" or a "tragic incident", this is "a textbook case of natural selection at work".

All these rules weren't in place when I was a child! Where the fuck did this come from? Liberals who want to save the whole goddamn world that's where. You can't save everybody, some kids just have to electrocute themselves on a "non-child-proof" wall outlet and die before they manage to reproduce, that's how it's supposed to work.

If you're child is prone to doing dumbass shit that will hurt them then you need to be a better parent and teach them not to. My parents did it, and it worked, I didn't eat shit off the ground, and I'm still alive! Maybe you're an incompentent parent who just can't pull it off but that isn't my fault, and that isn't the squirrel's fault. Would you attempt to take away all the rocks in the park because some little fucktard starts clapping rocks against his head? No you fucking wouldn't, and if you would, you also deserve to have rocks clapped off your cranium!


Stop being retarded America!

Fox - Taking The Douchebaggery To A Whole New Level

Leave it Fox in their limitless baggery to come up with something as tasteless and generally offensive as this making a reality show out of the shitty economy.

An upcoming series titled, "Someone's Gotta Go," lets employees of a small business decide which one of their colleagues will be laid off.

Each week, a different company lays off an employee.

The show's host will allegedly be a business consultant who will offer advice to participating companies.

Now I'm one of the fortunate ones to have a job without constant fear in this economy but I have family members who are not as secure and this bothers and irritates me at the same time. Is there no limit the idiocracy? Of course there isn't! America is full of morons who will watch this sort of tasteless and useless shit. "Reality Television" is like a thorn in my brain. I absolutely hate it. You learn nothing and it generally serves no purpose at all except to put self centered or otherwise screwed up individuals on television for people with no life to obsess over.

The only thing reality tv exists for is so that people who dislike or simply have no lives of their own can live vicariously through others. Everybody wants to watch somebody else who actually isn't a loser, or even better they want to watch somebody who is a loser, fail miserably on national television so they can feel better about their own shortcomings. And yes I'm straight up bashing the types of people who never miss "Biggest Loser", "American Idol", "Big Brother", "Deal or No Deal", and any other you can think of.

These shows are generally an idiotic waste of time when there are many more important or useful happenings in the world with which to concern oneself. Even if you must watch them, taking this subject to this level is taking it too far. Making a television show about people losing their job?!?! This is simply unacceptable in America today, this is a sad and serious subject, not a fucking spectator sport. I hope everybody involved in the production of this show gets shitcanned and ends up homeless, digging lunch out of a dumpster behind McDonald's!

Monday, April 6, 2009

I Hate Amish and I Want Them Off My Roads!

I'm going to assume that most of you who read this know what Amish are. They're ever present in Northwestern Pennsylvania like the glistening of spittle on the lip of a mongoloid. I get the privilege to deal with them on a daily basis during my commute to work. The locals seem to co-exist with these creature reasonably, even happily it would seem from an outsider's point of view.

My boss also harbors a deep resentment for them and calls "Omnoids" which I don't find all that funny. I attribute this to a lack of creativity manifesting itself in the nickname choosing capabilities of simple minded country folk who are not far from Amish themselves. I, on the other hand, prefer "Omlet" however, that only seems appropriate for the miniature versions. For this reason I just refer to them as largely oversized and painfully polite gnats.

Why such anger and hostility toward these nice folk you might venture to ponder? Well it's not really so much anger and hostility toward them, it's just that I'm a hateful asshole. That isn't my fault though, it's the fact that I have to drive an hour to work and then be annoyed by various things without respite for upwards of 8 to 10 hours at a time 5 days a week. This breeds some level of angst which develops into anger when left unattended for long periods of time.

(Note: I actually just recently switched 4 x 10 hour days which has lowered my anger levels a bit which probably brings my blood pressure to somewhere around 160 / 110)

Anyhow, only so much of this can be dissipated with what some would refer to as a borderline insane workout regimen that I impose on myself daily in order to beat the hostility out of myself. When that doesn't work well enough I engage in my second favorite past-time which is reckless consumption of obnoxious amounts of expensive vodka over short periods of time.

Now that we have the amateur psychological self-evaluation out of the way we shall continue on to my point. When I'm on my way to work I don't want slowed down, it takes long enough as it is. When I'm on my way home I don't want to be slowed either, I have shit to do and barely any time to myself. Now some would say I need to relax and not drive so fast and they can fuck off.

Fact of the matter is I don't really drive that fast. I can't because apparently nowadays you get like 4 points per speeding ticket and can only accumulate 6 before the DOT or the Road Gestapo as I know them, will impose sanctions upon you. DOT sanctions lead to even more angst and great personal hardship. For this reason I stick close to the speed limit which most of the way is un-posted and therefore 55mph. I can deal with 55 if I fucking must, maybe 60ish on an particularly impatient day.

I might add that PennDOT can fuck themselves. This is the kind of service we receive from them when they're supposed to be doing their job.


Now back to the amish. My problem is that an amish buggy traveling at top speed only moves about as fast as a frightened opossum.


A frightened opossum is fine in it's intended form and when crossing the road in a direct manner. The problem arises when this creature is the size of a small suv, and made out of wood by people who make shit out of wood for a living. Those motherfuckers are sturdy and they take up an entire lane on a two lane road that is barely the size of a normal 1.5 lanes.

One horsepower is not much, especially when pulling a family of 14 highly inbred individuals. (Note: one horse pulling a buggy filled to the brim with people for miles at a time, up hill... isn't that animal cruelty? I think it is, PETA, please make yourselves useful for a minute and look into this issue.)

Anyhow, half of these people look like 18th century down syndrome victims (thus the previous "mongoloid" reference), and the other half look like mis-dressed taliban fighters minus the shit covered left hand and with a few less fleas. Imagine my unhappiness when the down syndrom taliban who manage to get out of the taxes that I have to pay for the upkeep of the roads, still get to use the roads I'm paying for.

I want equal taxation for equal services and I don't give a fuck what stupid-ass religion you CHOOSE to follow. If I make a bunch of shit up, put it in a nice little book, and say I don't believe in paying taxes the only thing I'm going to get out of is my freedom when they toss my ass in jail so fuck the amish!

What makes it even worse is that these fucking assholes are also fearless. They giddyup their slow moving,roadblocking, suicide-machines right out from side roads just tens of meters in front of cars with the conviction of a technologically stunted Evil Kneival! There is absolutely no thought about the icy goddamn hand of death in the form of two tons of roaring steel, bearing down on them with the ferocity of a half-starved great white shark on a sea lion with mere seconds to react. They don't even stop, they don't slow down, I don't even think they look, they just go.

1/4 of these massive wooden speed bumps is actually operated by children, not even of legal driving age in the real world. Is a 12 year old in a miniature cart attached to a skittish pony really a good idea on the roadway? NO IT ISN'T! Mind you, these kids aren't smart, they will walk down the middle of a lane in failing light wearing all black, on the wrong side of the road, thinking nothing of it. They run across in front of cars, they ride busted-ass toys on the road, they're downright hazardous to their own health as well as that of the public.


It is of no help that they also paint their giant wheel mounted woodsheds in an inconspicuous mat black paint that is nearly invisible against the backdrop of the countryside. When in the shade, direct sunlight, failing light of dusk or early morning they are hidden in plain site like a ghillie suit clad sniper on a grassy hillside. They are required to post a reflective triangle on the back of their moving box of death but this tends to be inconsistent in size and visibility and therefore helps very little.

It is a rather harrowing experience to come around a bend at 55 mph and there they are directly in front of you. I find myself often having to take rapid evasive action that in my mind rivals that of a fighter pilot being evading an enemy aircraft in a desperate attempt to avoid catastrophic collision. This becomes quickly tiresome. Within the walls of my imagination I see the potential impact as resembling that of high explosive ordinance striking a wooden amunition shed.

Possibly more likely it would resemble a fully loaded log truck at downhill speed striking a van sized match box that was loaded with both matches and several human sized party balloons filled with bright red mud when all is said and done. Either way the effect would not be a happy event for any parties involved.

Most of the time the locals won't even pass Amish until there's a half mile perfectly open stretch of road. This usually causes a half mile long line of vehicles in a countrified traffic jam that in my eyes rivals the Jersey turnpike nearing NYC at morning rush hour it really is no less asinine. Is it really reasonable that those of us who pay our taxes and have places to be, have to wait for these fuckers? My life is really limited for time to accomplish what I need to accomplish as it is without that extra 20 minutes of total 10 mph of driving behind the tard-boxes.

I'm quite sure when somebody traveling at in a legal manner on a public roadway does turn one of these medieval machines into a shit stain on the highway, they'll probably do time for it. Would it really be their fault? If you want to live in an 18th century world then fine, who am I to judge, just do it someplace where there aren't other people like out the fuck in the mountains of Montana.

The problem arises when you want to also co-exist with the rest of us and use our resources as suits you in the moment. I think a decision needs to be made, I think they need to stay off the roads before something really bad happens. If I pass a splattered Amish family on the side of the road, I can honestly say I won't be the least bit surprised. I actually am quite sure I'll figure, it's about time, as I continue on my way without even a hint of sadness.

I currently look at them as equals to deer on the road. They don't belong there and unfortunately you can't just run them over. There isn't a hunting season to properly thin the population enough to rid us of the problem. Unfortunately I'm sure it will take some horrific disaster for anybody to even consider the issue and even then the prerequisite of total incompetence and lack of common sense required to become a government official from the bottom of the ladder all the way to the top, will still prevent a reasonable decision from being made in the general direction of eradicating this issue.

As usual, the vast majority will have to compromise and even suffer in order to accommodate the minority. They'll probably lower the speed limit to 25 and say it'll fix this problem and our issue with gluttonous consumption of petroleum products. I fucking hate this country!

(oh shut up before you even say it, I hate all the others too so don't give me the best country in the world "if you don't like it get out" happy-ass-horseshit. If you paint a turd gold it is still a turd)


Yay for stupidity!

Why Can't We Nuke Them?

Nice uniforms... aren't these the fucking assholes that whine and cry about following the Geneva Accords?

This is why I say we should kill every last living thing here and just let nature do what it will with the rest.

Stupid + Fire

Oh if only eugenics research hadn't been scrapped

I Don't Give A Damn Who She Is

I've come across this story a couple times and I save it meaning to post but didn't get around to it at the time. I can't remember exactly where the story came from because I managed to lose the link along the way but oh well.

Our wonderful new socialist government seems to have an unending supply of ability to piss me off.

It seems that
Obama's Kenyan aunt lost her bid for asylum more than four years ago, and a judge ordered her deported. Instead, Zeituni Onyango stayed, living for years in public housing. Onyango's request is now being reconsidered under a little-used provision in U.S. immigration rules that allows denied asylum claims to be reheard if applicants can show that something has changed to make them eligible.

Such as the ascension of her nephew to the presidency of the world's most powerful country. "If she goes back to Kenya, she is going to be much more in the limelight, and that, in and of itself, could put her at a greater risk. The chances of her going back and keeping a low profile are gone at this point," said Boston immigration attorney Ilana Greenstein.

Onyango, 56, the half-sister of Obama's late father, moved to the United States in 2000. Her first bid for asylum was rejected, and an immigration judge ordered her deported in 2004; she continues to live in public housing in Boston.

Obama has said repeatedly that he didn't know his aunt was living in the United States illegally and believes that laws covering the situation should be followed. If she wins asylum, he could look soft on immigration enforcement. If she loses, he could face criticism from immigrant advocacy groups.

The White House says Obama is staying out of it. "The President believes that the case should run its ordinary course, and neither he nor his representatives have had any involvement," spokesman Ben LaBolt said last week.

Since Kenya gained independence from Britain in 1963, periodic tensions have arisen among the Luos — Onyango's tribe — and some of Kenya's other tribes, including the Kikuyus. Onyango could improve her chances of winning asylum if she can argue successfully that some in the Kenyan government may perceive — because of her relationship with Obama — "that she may have some level of political power and be able to transfer that power" to her tribe, Kelly said.

Onyango has not responded to requests for interviews. Her case is being closely watched by people on all sides of the immigration debate. Some critics say her status has already damaged the president's credibility on immigration issues.

I'm so entirely sick of this sort of horseshit. We have a skyrocketing unemployment rate and we can't afford the people we have and yet things like this still occur. I know that everybody thinks that we have to do "the right thing" but the problem is that they don't know what the right thing is. The right thing to do is to take care of your own countrymen first, before you start worrying about others. We have not done this first step.

I don't care if this is Obama's aunt. He "didn't know she was living here illegally"? The fuck he didn't, it just wasn't as big a deal until he became president. I'm seriously supposed to believe that this is going to "run it's course" with no involvement on the part of Obama? Do they think we're that stupid? A law is a law, I'm required to abide by our laws and non-citizens can trample all over them and I have to pay for their subsidized housing. Any immigrant caught living illegally should be immediately shipped out via Fed Ex if we have to. There should be no delay, no saying goodbyes, no collecting possessions, you're illegal, you're gone!

Illegals should be identified, kept in a database, and if they're found illegally they should lose any chance at a bid for asylum or any other form of entry into the country for 10 years no matter what the reason. There should be no concessions made on this and it should be enforced by any and all necessary means. If you make laws and don't enforce them you just breed disrespect for all laws. I'm sick of allowing illegals to make a mockery of our legal system at my expense.

If it were me in charge you would be shipped out once with a warning that if you return illegally and are caught you will be hanged in a public execution as an example. This is the only way we'll ever do away with this problem. Right now what do they have to lose, living in poverty here is better than living in poverty in their own country. The problem is that the liberal willingness to foot the bill for these "immigrants" is at the expense of our own actual citizens.

I hope they ship Obama's aunt back on a homemade raft fashioned out of a broken door with a bed sheet for a sail with a kick in the ass and a good riddance.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Bad Excuse of The Day, April 01

Straight from AP... How not to drive, OR get out of a speeding ticket.

SALEM, Ore. – Authorities arrested a woman accused of driving 103 mph with her 10-year-old grandson in the car. Sheriff's Lt. Sheila Lorance said Deputy Ryan Postlewait saw the woman's Mazda 6 whizz by on Hylo Road on Sunday, and he confirmed the speed on a radar gun. Though the road is known to attract speeders, Postlewait reported that he has never clocked anyone driving that fast.

The driver, a 53-year-old woman, reportedly told authorities she was trying to teach her grandson about the dangers of speeding , and warned him never to drive the way she was about to.

The woman was charged with reckless driving and reckless endangering.

I guess it was worth a try