Friday, April 24, 2009

Adventures In Driving... Virginia Edition #1

I just had a nice relaxing drive through Virginia today. I wanted to give a quick shout out to a few new friends I made along the way.

1. To college kid in a shiny new honda civic with the fart tube that mommy and daddy bought for you. Nice "shocker" sticker on the bumper. Do you give lots of skanky hos the shocker? I bet the skank-ass hos swarm to your vehicle like flies on shit to see what sort of super-stud might be inside, just hoping your'll stick a pinky up their arse! Mmmmm herpes finger! You my friend are the coolest person I have ever come across in my entire life! Where can I get me one of those sweet stickers so I too can show the world that I am a massive tool who dreams of but will probably never get near a real vagina... or ass (at least of a woman) for that matter. Keep drunkenly groping women's asses in bars, getting smacked silly, and keep the dream alive my friend.

2. Chick in the blue Kia Sorento. Good conversation? Enthralling I'm sure. That must have been some entertaining shit because you were holding your phone with one hand and waving the other one around like you were swatting flies while you talked. Was that your knee you were using to steer or did Jesus have the wheel? I have an idea that I would like to toss in the air for consideration. How about you put the fucking phone down and pay attention to the goddamn road. Maybe if you payed a little bit of attention you might realize that the speed limit is 55 and you're going 45. Oh, and the key is to stay in one lane, not to drive back and forth between two of them. It's just an idea, give it a try sometime.

3. Little Puerto Rican girl in the shitty brown dodge car. What the fuck did you do to that thing. I don't know if I've ever seen a car so shitty in a state that actually requires inspection. That motherfucker was damn impressive. Was it the direct target of an airstrike? I can't believe the thing is still drivable, I was seriously waiting for pieces to fall off... big fucking pieces. Was that duct tape holding the back bumper on? Those were sweet sunglasses too, nearly the same size as the windshield, which looked quite nice in neon yellow with your bulbous cranium. Kudos on the hoop earrings too, do those double as basketball hoops? Can you actually see over the dashboard? I don't think you can, I'm guessing that is why your car looks like you entered it into a demolition derby with an M1 Abrams tank. You just keep being you because it's people like you on the road that keep my ass on my toes!

4. To the soccer mom type in the maroon Ford Windstar with no hubcaps. Minivan Madness Baby! How many kids do you own, 20, 30, Jesus H Christ on a stick lady! I have a tip for you as well. Seatbelts... they are a wonderful invention. If you strap those hyperactive little demons down, not only do they not fly out the window (which may not be a bad thing) but they also stay the fuck in their seats while your ass is supposed to be paying attention. Is it hard to see what is in front of you... like other cars, when you're turned 180 degrees and swerving all over the road while you swat at unruly animals in the seat behind you? That takes talent! I don't know how the hell you not only managed to not sideswipe the car beside you but also avoid ass-packing the line of cars that were stopped at the light in front of you. You ma'am are a fucking pro! Did that child bloody his nose on the back of the seat when you slammed on the breaks? Have fun at soccer practice, and don't forget to take a headcount before you leave. Don't leave little jimmy there because he'll need to be watched with that concussion he's surely got.

I simply love driving. I would venture to say that it's better than cable television. It's kind of like when you go to the zoo and just happen to be lucky enough to witness the fabled monkey poo fight. Life wouldn't be nearly as interesting without rampant stupidity in every direction.

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