I Want To Be Dear Abby!

We'll call it Dear Dillinger. You send me your questions and I will answer them. I can do this, I'm a professional with advice. For example, today a woman asked the following question:

We recently celebrated my stepdaughter's 40th birthday. After dinner I placed the birthday cake, along with the knife, cake server, plates and forks, in front of her. We sang "Happy Birthday," and she blew out the candles.

Shortly afterward, I realized she was not cutting and serving the cake, so I asked if she wanted her father or me to do it.

I was raised with the idea that the person whose birthday it is should serve the cake to those celebrating with her (or him). Now I have begun to wonder, what is the proper custom regarding who should cut and serve the birthday cake? -- CURIOUS IN SAN FRANCISCO

Now that isn't hard at all. Lady, take a second, stop, and punch yourself in the eye. You are retarded! Why do some people need a certain order or "etiquette" for every simple, dumbass task? It's like asking for a the proper custom for breathing (not really but close enough). If the bitch doesn't start cutting the cake and you're impatient then say "hey, you wanna cut that fucker or what?". If that doesn't suit your delicate sensibilities you can leave out "fucker", or just grab the cutlery yourself and do your own ginsu shit on it. What the fuck good does knowing the "custom" do in such a situation? Just so some hippie-ass retard can pretend to be informed, and then inform others.

Next

I was the only person working out in the gym at my apartment complex the other evening when a man, presumably another resident, came to the front door. To enter, you must swipe your access card on the keypad.

He apparently did not have his access card with him and sat outside the door waiting for me to let him in. Because I was working on a cardio machine and trying to maintain my heart rate, I didn't want to interrupt my workout to open the door. He eventually tired of waiting and left.

Should I have stopped and let the person in the door? Or should he have gone back to get his access card? -- CARDIO CARRIE IN GEORGIA

You said you were trying to get cardio right. There's nothing that I can think of that is more of a cardiovascular workout than screaming in terror while trying to fight off a violent rapist or getting chased by a serial murderer. Now put yourself in the creepster's shoes. He's going to have to also break into somebody's apartment and likely kill them too just to get a card so he can get in and violate you. That's a lot of energy burned just to get off right quick. Let the silly bastard in, it's a grand idea, nobody in America would every have ill-intentions, where do you think you are... Africa?

I really enjoy answering questions and helping people do "the right thing". Please, if there is anything on your mind that you just aren't sure what to do, you may email me at "contact.dillinger737@yahoo.com". That's a real email address, no shit. If you have a question email me, if you read my blog and love it, email me, if you hate it and wish terrible things on me, let me know!