Saturday, June 28, 2014

If You're Going to San Fransisco To Jump Off The Golden Gate Bridge

If you're going to San Fransisco, be sure to jump far enough to clear the anti-suicide net... no wait that's not how it goes. I'm sure San Fransisco is a beautiful place if you like smug, liberal asshattery, weather never changes (foggy until Noon when the fog burns off for decent sunny 60's or so until the fog comes back about 6:00 pm), and wasting money in ill-conceived bullshit that won't do jack. That's the point of today's story... wasting money, something that is a beloved pastime of the "Golden State" which I'm proposing be changed to The Cash-Sink State". Now they have finally approved a $76,000,000 net system on the Golden Gate Bridge that will help slow the suicide of TENS of people a year. Yeah you fucking read that shit right... TENS! We've been losing tens of valuable Liberals every year because we didn't have a $76,000,000 net on the Golden Gate Bridge to help prevent free will. Goddamn that free will bullshit. How dare us let people choose to continue or end their own miserable existence as they see fit. The fucking audacity!

Now this net system is quite awesome. The Northman Institute has had our scientists extensively reviewing it's proposed effectiveness for several minutes now and we deem to to be 279% flawless. I would simply direct your attention to an unnamed artist's rendering of this ingenious net system that was so well thought out that it is guaranteed not to fail.

Can you see that? That imposing thing to the side of the bride that will stop all jumpers in their tracks. It looks to be at least 5 or 6 feet wide which in itself is a suicidal show stopper. It's not like any given 8 year old with one leg and a bad case of the scoliosis who doesn't even have the ability of a running start can clear that bitch without even straining himself... simply inconceivable. On top of that little tiddly-bit look how tangly it appears. Once you're in the fucker you're stuck like a spider web until a rescue team gets to you 25 to 30 minutes later. It's not likely anybody could possibly simply land in the net and which is like 5 feet down from the top of the bridge and then crawl off the net and free fall like a glorious Tom Petty ballad to a watery grave below. Not A Chance!

So now that we've gotten these most important facts down we're going to have to consider some other issues in order to save our nation's oh so valuable suicidally depressed and sometimes downright crazy people because God knows... if I believed in god, that we need them around otherwise who will flip their shit and go on killing sprees if we let them all kill themselves.

I suggest we completely ignore the far less iconic Oakland-San Fransisco Bay Bridge since we haven't yet put up the nets so people haven't been thwarted yet at the Golden gate and begun hurling themselves off that one. I know, I know, it's pretty far fetched. I realize that I'm taking a pretty huge leap (no pun intended... oh who am I kidding, sure there was) to consider that a suicidal person who might want to jump off a bridge might manage to take their Prius or the Bus or whatever that particular hippie prefers and go the less than 9 miles to the Oakland-San Fransisco Bay Bridge which is almost the same height as the Golden Gate Bridge and instead take a flying header off of that one into oblivion.

Not my photo... Not claiming it is my photo... Don't know who took it.

I know, it's a stupid thought so I'll just drop it like a bridge jumper. Ouch... that wasn't nice. I would also like to add that there's no way somebody who can't jump from a bridge will choose to instead throw themselves in front of one of these.

Again not my photo
But there I go again being irrational. I never think before I say these things. Now that I'm looking at it and knowing it only has a top speed of 80 mph I realize there's no possible way this could kill somebody so again I apologize for being irrational.

I would just like to say once again. Good job San Fransisco and good job California for being such geniuses and ensuring that people who don't want to live and/or have no reason to live are forced to do it against their will. Good on you you democracy loving people you.

No comments: