Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lets Make More Regulations... Hell Lets All Live In Padded Rooms

Some of you may have heard about this Abraham Briggs person. I missed this one until I accidentally ran across it today. I find this simply fascinating because I consider it proof of how idiotic American society has become and how generally retarded people are in general. Now you can read about it many places but this just happens to be the particular story that introduced me to this guy.


Aaaanywho. I guess this guy decided to off himself on this Justin.tv thing with which I’m not familiar. I suggest you just read the article before you continue reading my own rant because I’m going to bitch right along with the order in which the points came up. First of all why in the name of Jesus H. Christ is this news. Has Abraham Briggs ever done anything? Did he invent a cure for cancer or play baseball for the Dodgers? Did he jump a skateboard over something? Nope, it would appear that he didn’t, he didn’t do anything of note until he offed himself. That makes this officially not news, not worthy of any controversy at all right there hands down!

Unfortunately many other citizens of this fine gossip nation in which we live feel the need to crusade. What kind of crusade? Well young squire, it’s a holy crusade! Not for a grail, and not to save a damsel. No children, this is a crusade to fuck Everyman. Everyman is the name I’ll use for “The Average Joe,” you and I and aunt Peggy with the wooden leg. “Why” you ask? “Let me tell you” says I.

Why is it that every time some random fucktard does something stupid it brings out every bleeding heart within 1,000 miles. Why is it that these people smell blood. The chance to get in the news maybe, to get something banned or to get money in a lawsuit. Mostly this is all just a chance for monetary gain.

It’s always the same. Stupid questions get asked. What could push a college student to commit suicide with people watching? Oh I don’t know, he’s got a web cam and nothing better to do with his spare time? Do we really need any more reason than this? Maybe he caught the herp from some skankterrific one night stand. Maybe God told him to do it. Sometimes those extra special types can talk to God you know! It doesn’t matter but you want an answer so I’ll go with he was bat shit crazy and that’s my final fucking answer! I win! That means I get to continue.

One of these geniuses came up with the conclusion that the web cam stunt was a cry for help, hoping people would notice and… help… I guess. Does anybody really think so, I don’t. Nobody with the ability to reason that exceeds that of the volume of a tic tac would even think about making such a claim. There is shit like this on the internet?

And I’m supposed to believe a goddamn thing I see on the net… Nooooo.

We don’t need to know why this occurred and we know why nobody helped. The boy who cried wolf. All society does is cry wolf and most of us don’t give a flying fuck. There are bigger fish to fry than some crazy fuckass we’ve never heard of. Although some people tuned in and watch and didn’t help! Some even encouraged him! Oh the humanity! I kid you not when I say “so what?” There are people starving to death in the world daily. There are terrorists blowing up innocent people daily. There are women being kidnapped, deported, and forced into prostitution daily. There are people like P-Diddy being allowed to sing daily! The point is that there are plenty of other disasters and atrocities that people would also watch if it were put in front of them. How the fuck do they know it’s real and why should they care, really, why? I didn’t know that crying-ass retard defending Britney was just playing until a couple days after I saw the video. I once saw a video of a dude cutting off his own leg with a goddamn hacksaw and it turns out that was fake too! The Blair Witch Project… damnit! Fox News… Jesus Christ is anything real? What the hell do I believe!

Whether anybody knew he was really killing himself or not is largely irrelevant. Why the fuck should they do anything. I can honestly tell you that when I lived in San Fransisco, if I had walked up on a potential jumper on the Golden Gate… and that was highly probable… I would have walked right by, unless he jumped while I was there then I would have stopped to look down. I don’t know him I don’t care really, I don’t, I have other concerns rather than one less crazy person who’s rehab I’ll likely end up paying for in one way or another. It is honestly cheaper to just bury them after they off themselves. The only thing we should be concerned about and happy about is the fact that he did not first shoot up 15 or 20 fellow college students. People have been crazy since always and we haven’t managed to fix it. There will always be crazy people. Even when old school kings and such used to chop off their heads they still couldn’t get rid of the crazy. Don’t worry people, we’ll never run out, there will always be enough even if we let them kill themselves. Why the hell do we have such a need to attempt (and fail) at fixing every crazy bastard that walks the earth. We are better off without some people I assure you.

What really chaps my ass is the fact that the creator of captain crazy and his grand suicide web circus, his dad, is blaming others. I realize his son just died and we’ve established that I don’t give a shit even though some may feel sad. That aside lets remember who might have been in the best position to know what the fuck his kid was doing… That’s right, it’s DADDIOOOO!! So let me tell you a secret Mr. Briggs Sr., it isn’t the internet that fucked up. It is in fact, you, my main man, are a failure as a father and you have a box of Abraham to prove it. Yeah yeah I know I’m a dick. The point is that I’m not going to stand by like a slack jawed yokel at a parade while some cocksucker tries to regulate shit that effects me simply because his son was too fucked up to handle it. That’s like saying that somebody drank alcohol, got drunk and died so nobody can have it. Yeah plenty do but the vast majority of them manage to live through it. This is survival of the fittest in the internet age. If Mr. Briggs thinks we need regulations it just so happens that I think he needs a flying kneecap to the face. How the hell would that be any more wrong. Regulations would make him happy but not me, kneecap to face would make me happy but not he. Same goddamn thing!

The web site owner is partly at fault he says? The audience is partly at fault he says? Well, maybe the audience but truly how many people would not fuck with the dude honestly? No I mean really, not what you want to think you would do if you were the person you think you want to be! I mean what would you really do? Put yourself in that situation. I know some of you are nosey and do-gooder types but most would assume it’s a prank and fuck with him or at least watch quietly.

This is the attitude Americans have that I cannot express enough how violently angry it makes me when somebody else’s stupidity is constantly not any fault of their own. When will people learn to take some fucking responsibility for themselves? He killed himself and maybe his dad failed him and nobody else is to blame. Not a single person, place or website. This is no goddamn different than if I buy a knife to cut some shit with and cut my damn arm off and sue. Well what the fuck else is the knife for, the mother is sharp so be the fuck careful asshole! If I spill hot coffee on junk in McDonalds’ it’s their fault I mean who the fuck serves hot coffee “I said Iced Frappuccino you fuckers!” If slip in an icy parking lot in the winter at the grocery store then why did somebody not go outside with 37 extension cords and a hair dryer! How dare they think they can put slippy ices on the floor outside their store and bring me down, I’ll sue!

Here’s the thing… if you buy a pack of screwdrivers (Exhibit A)

Because you think not, “I’ll finally fix them glasses.” Instead you think, “damn, that would fit well into my penis and then maybe I’ll clean out my ears with it.” You DESERVE to be impotent and deaf. It’s very simple, VERY SIMPLE! Judges that award these people money should have their homes burned down and be themselves tossed in the slam. It needs to be a rule that when you walk outside you are just going to have to take some chances or you’re going to have to stay the fuck in your house. We don’t give a shit which it is, but you’re going to have to choose. If you fall down and you try to sue we deport you! If you have a problem still with the conditions and must take it up with somebody, take it up with God, whichever one you like, but not the grocery store. You fucking litigious assholes, this is just another one of the things that is wrong with our society. This is why crap that was once a joke is now (like below) becoming necessary

Maybe it was cyber bullies, they’re so mean and they always make people want to kill themselves. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid bullies would grab the back of your tighty whities and yank yank YANK those fuckers up and over your head until your anus was bleeding and you couldn’t walk. Then they would kick you in the ass (literally) when you weren’t looking or corner you in a locker room and dunk your head in a toilet. If the worst you get is some snot nosed little zit faced bastard saying “your gay” over the goddamn instant messenger and you can’t manage to bounce back from it, you my friend fail the draft. The Draft For Life… You Fail… You Do Not Pass Go and Do Not Collect $200. No teams wanted you and therefore we’ll be better off in the long run without you.

Darwin is seriously rolling over in his grave and probably gnawing and gnashing his way out as I type to try to explain why his theory no longer applies. What we need to do is legalize suicide and have help lines. These lines would help you commit suicide. Like tell you how many parts sleeping pills you need to parts of vodka so there are no silly muck-it-ups. This way we quickly weed out those family trees just are not thriving in modern society and we do it by their own means. Stop trying to regulate crap because stupid people can’t manage to keep from getting hurt by it because the rest of us are managing just fine! The problem is not the medium!

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