Friday, November 28, 2008

Thanksgiving In A House That Doesn't Give a Shit

Well, yet another holiday comes and goes in my house and though I wasn't going to write about it I have decided otherwise. Did anybody ever notice that as a family ages the holidays become more of a chore? This seems to be especially true with mi familia. All of my grandparents have passed away except my father's father at this point. They seemed to be the last generation who gave a fuck. My mom has several sisters around, who for the most part only outwardly restrain the hostility left over from some incident that occurred several months ago. The rest of us just try to remain neutral and try not to laugh when they tell inappropriate stories about the relative who isn't present.

Let me first outline my family so you understand what a momentous occasion this was. I'll start with myself and my brother. Next there is our mother and father. On my dad's side there is a brother and sister who are both married, and their dad. We do not associate with my aunt's husband's family on that side. On my mom's side she has 3 sisters and one brother. Both of their parents have passed away a couple years ago now. One of my mom's sisters is married and so is her brother. Mom's brother lives in California and doesn't associate with us really although we get something in the mail yearly for Christmas which is all things considered, usually fairly nice, that's about it though. That's pretty much it for our family. I have a couple cousins but I couldn't even tell you who exactly they are or what the hell they look like or might be doing nowadays. We're not a large family or real close.

So anyhow, my mom took over Thanksgiving duties when her mother died and has done it ever since. Not really because she likes the job but because my aunts can't cook anything that requires more than removing it from the outer box, adding a slit, a time, and hitting start on the microwave. So anyhow, the meal was to start at noon which in our family means 1 ish by the time everybody gets around to showing up. I myself only woke up approximately 45 minutes before go time because it's the holiday and that's how I roll. The congregation included 2 aunts, mom, dad, and brother and that was it this year. I have no idea where my moms other sister was, I think they're mad at her for something. My other aunt on dad's side has her own deal and grandpa went to that. We avoid them because her husband is redneck douchebag who was probably out poaching some thing or another for the better part of the day. Their kids are also little rednecks just fuck shit up when they're around so it's best to keep them away from anything fragile... actually it really doesn't even need to be fragile. It's very difficult to idiot proof things because idiots are so ingenious.

So anyhow, the family showed up eventually, each bringing something that was baked with great amounts of care and love at the Giant Eagle bakery and scooped up off the shelf for $3.99 by my anti-cooking aunts as their submission to the home cooked meal. Anyhow, eventually everybody showed up and we all ate our meal. I barely ate anything because I never do. I'm so used to living on protein shakes and a collection of random vitamins and other supplements that I almost don't need to eat. I know this is probably not great but I have other things to do. During the normal week I don't eat breakfast or lunch and just eat dinner. This means when a large meal comes around I eat about the equivalent portion that would be allotted to a small child and I'm done for hours. So we all finished our meal and sat around for several minutes talking but mostly I talked, interrupting the rest who were desperately trying not to talk and instead to concentrate on some football game that was on. Everybody knows that football requires great amounts of concentration. To my delight it only took about 12 minutes before the electric went out.

This pretty much put an end to family time. When the electric went out my aunts decided it was time to go. When it's time to leave the bags are unpacked and anywhere from 18 to 64 tupperware containers are placed out in an orderly fashion onto the counter and opened to receive the handouts. Anything that may have been left over is hastily and ungratefully scooped up and placed into the containers for removal. The usual fight ensues where my brother defends the remnants of the apple pie from the jackals who are trying to get it. He will fight to the death to save every last peace for himself, even if there were 12 of them sitting there. I find this hilarious because he usually wins and will resort to verbal abuse if necessary. After the pie is saved and the containers sealed and placed back in bags, the family is off to do whatever the hell it is they'll do the rest of the day. All of this probably occurred in under an hour.

Once everybody has left my brother and I usually end up in a political debate, my dad joins in intermittently adding a point here and there. My mom usually stands by and rolls her eyes and makes noises of annoyance for a while as we go at it. My dad and I tend to agree while my brother preaches peace and love and tells us that Muslims wouldn't blow shit up if they weren't poor and my dad and I preach that they wouldn't blow shit up if we would just blow them up first. This eventually brings us to the point where my mom snaps and throws a temper tantrum about not wanting to hear it. At this point my brother goes off to his room, my mom turns on some lameass movie and my dad sits indifferently and watches it. It's official, Thanksgiving is over for the year and surely everybody simply cannot wait until Christmas comes. I don't know about you, but I need a drink, Vodka makes all the holidays better!

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