Saturday, November 22, 2008

Saturday At The Zoo

Today is Saturday, I absolutely love Saturdays. Today is the one day of the week that I can truly relax. I can stay up on Friday until all hours of the morning which usually translates to somewhere between 3 and 4 am. Not for any good reason other than there are things on tv worth watching and I have been a vampire my entire life. Not a vampire as in walking around in all black clothes looking like a goth + a cheap pair of plastic fangs, just as in a night person. I love the night, I love being up at night and staying in bed until half way through the day. For my entire last year of college a few of us were nearly nocturnal in fact, other than having to venture out to attend classes. Anyhow, Saturday is also a gym day. Most days I work out at home doing cardio on my elliptical or something of that sort. When I lift every odd day I use my own home gym to avoid having to go out and what not. Anyhow I enjoy the days I go out to gym because there is such a wide selection of things I can do there. I get an efficient workout at home but I get a good one at the gym. On top of the workout there are so many things to amuse myself with at a public gym.

The thing with the gym is that there are distractions, some good, some bad, many worth writing about and many not so much. Today was really no exception. As routine dictates I ventured out and made the trip to the gym. When I got there I went about my business and started my workout. The place was actually rather desolate for the most part, there were only 15 or 20 people there and that's really not many for a university gym. The usual characters seemed to be sadly absent from the place which was a disappointment. None of the typical juiced-up roid gorillas walking around grunting and staring at themselves in the mirrors, knuckles dragging while they shamelessly flex for themselves in the mirrors. None of the square jawed bodybuilder girls and their overly buff boyfriend/trainers who are less manly than their women. No male cheerleaders roaming in packs and wearing chopped up sweatshirts with laughable slogans that exude lameness in a failed attempt at making male cheerleading seem cool instead of a way for modern Neanderthal men to look up the skirts of women who otherwise would pay no attention to them. Even for the chance to hang out with the cheerleaders I couldn't stoop to that level. Not even the token fat girls are here with their abnormally high self esteem.

The place isn't the same without a 5'2" 175 pound girl in a pair of size 3 shorts and a child x-small tank top with a belly that looks like she's storing a lumpy 60 pound turkey in there while she runs on the treadmill with that turkey bouncing free of her shirt but in no particular direction. It is simply not logical that a girl who looks like an Oompah Loompah with down syndrome in her 9th month of a triple pregnancy can have the self esteem of a Hollywood A-Lister. I'm all about people feeling good about themselves and all but there's a point when we must say "ok, you're huge, put it away because even though you're at the gym and trying, you're still blinding the men and making the children cry." There is another girl who's a little punk or goth-light, and I find her terribly intriguing. She's actually really hot and I'm not sure what it is about these girls but I find it fascinating and even a bit of a weakness. There are also two nerdy looking girls who have that combination intelligent and cute look going for them. I don't mean nerdy in the way many people think, I mean it like studious generally aloof from the usual college popularity contest sort of way.

This led me to the conclusion once again that I have very different taste in women. My epiphany was in fact that these types of girls are my favorite types. I'm totally sure why I like this kind of girl but I know I don't like the types who are supermodel wannabes and wear as much makeup to the gym as they would to the club. I prefer that type who's obviously different that most in one way or another. Punk types of sorts and those cute but slightly nerdy girls. I guess maybe experience has shown they are the most interesting, there's more to them than just trying to be more beautiful than everybody else. I found myself pondering this question and what exactly it was that I found so attractive but to no avail. I don't go to the gym for this reason but it's one of those good distractions I mentioned. I actually make it a point not to be like every other jackass perving on everything that walks into his line of site. I know that the gym is not the place for this, at least for most people, and I avoid it most of the time for that reason. I really try very hard not to be that guy.

Anyhow, I eventually finished my workout and went the locker room which is my least favorite place because of those who just can't manage to be normal. The urinals are the first thing you see on your way in and I'll be damned if I didn't walk in and there is a big white ass staring gleaming at me. Some people might think this isn't that abnormal in a locker room but I assure you it is. There is a grown-ass man standing there with this pants pulled down around his thighs like a six-year-old taking a leak. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Who does that? It's not like he was retarded or something because he came into the locker room and in fact he had kids with him. Does his wife know he does this, probably not. How did this guy never manage to look around and realize that big people piss with their asses covered... at least the male version does. This guy had his social development stunted at age 5 or something and never picked up this little matter of etiquette. Somebody should tell him, I thought about telling him but I really felt that it would be in fact better if I didn't tell him. I felt it would be more fun to let him continue to make a reputation for himself with other people who had to see his ass and for that reason will never forget his face, pointing him out in public to friends and what not.

Next there are the people who walk around the locker room naked. I understand the need to get naked at some point in this room, that is in fact what it's for. What I don't understand is this. When has it ever been more important to comb your hair, or brush your teeth, before putting on your pants, underwear, or even a towel. Usually it's old dudes who want to do this stuff, never the college crowd. Why are old people, with the physique that makes one want to cry always the ones most willing to show it off by prancing around naked as though they're modeling for an art class. I once heard a statement that 95% of people look far better with their clothes on than vice versa and this is very true.

The locker room is not a nudist camp and nobody in there goes in there to view the merchandise so unless somebody has stolen your clothes and there aren't any paper towels to cover that atrocity you call a body, there is no excuse not to put something on before you begin to shave. I do not want to walk in and have you attempt to carry on a conversation with me or witness your conversation you are already in the midst of, while you're sitting bare assed on the benches that the rest of us must use. Under no circumstances is it appropriate for you to slap-powder your junk with handfuls of gold bond while you stand with one foot on the bench in a public place, locker room or not. If your saggy old berries need a powder job I assure you that you will in fact live until you get home and then you can throw around all the anti-chafing powder you like, in your own home!

After the horror show I witnessed in the locker room I proceeded to leave, half blind, feeling as though I just had my pupils dilated and wondering if the trauma will haunt me for mere days or will it be weeks, I decided to go buy something. I needed a pair of shoes. Actually I didn't need them, I probably have more than 20 pairs which I'm told is abnormal for a straight guy but I wanted them so I went. I have a problem, what can I say. Sunglasses and shoes happen to be things I tend to collect. I love the outlet mall in grove city because it's a great place for people watching. Everybody goes out on Saturday to spend their money. Anyhow I went to Aldo to get those shoes I thought I should have and then I decided to walk around for a while. I realized my patience was running short when, like always, every 30 steps bring me on a group of people standing in the middle of the sidewalk talking and not moving.

When will people learn that if you feel the need to stop and talk you need to move your big ass off to the side so others can use the sidewalk for what it was intended for. It isn't a sidestand people. It's always somebody with a triple child economy sized stroller with 2 screaming brats and 3,527 pounds of garbage from the food court and the Levis outlet piled in it, a group of several pensioners pushing their late 100's, 14 foreigners with anime haircuts while speaking Japanese and wearing the latest euro-trends, or 2 morbidly obese couples sucking on 19 gallon cups of soda between turns talking about where they'd like to eat for this hours meal. How idiotic or just obnoxiously inconsiderate must you be to stand there and make people walk around you into the snow. It's not like the hundreds of people who are having to walk around you are inconfuckingspicuous. Nobody can say maybe they didn't notice they were in the way because they do, they're just assholes who don't care and this drives me insane. It makes me want to slap that soda out of their hands and stiff arm them through a window as I pass but I don't because I'm sure the low-rent security personnel and back-woods police around the area would view this as excessive. Maybe it is a little excessive but I'm willing to bet that a lesson would be learned.

I'm also amazed at the amount of people who are willing to go into public, let alone shopping, in a torn up old steelers sweat shirt, a pair of faded gray sweatpants, jogging shoes with a hole in one toe, and a camouflage hat with a saying on it to to the tune of "git er done" or "let's kill somethin'." Americans truly have no concept of style and it's no wonder people from other countries make fun of us. I'm not sure whether I would actually be better off staying at home, my blood pressure would probably stay lower that way. On the bright side, without these people around for me to laugh at life would probably be rather boring.

1 comment:

Jackie said...

Oh, my goodness, I just was blog roaming and found yours, and from one nocturnal creature to another, that was hilarious!!