Monday, December 1, 2008

Mobile Phones Distract Drivers More Than Passengers?!?!

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There are so many other bloggers that tackle the real news that I just don't find it very amusing to beat on dead horses. I on the other hand prefer to beat on stupid horses. There's some shit that just isn't news and yet somehow it ends up mixed up in there all posing as news. The part that I fail to grasp, or at least hope that I do, is, are Americans really this fucking stupid? Do we not know this, do we truly have to find an article in Reuters to tell us shit that a trained monkey could figure out? Here's the actual article link below:;_ylt=Aj8kPKOty3cIO5oj96Apzjus0NUE

Somebody actually sat down and thought about this one and rather than coming to the conclusion that this is a fact that can be deduced without further study, this person decided to commission a group of researchers to figure it out. How much must these people have been paid to figure this out? I'm sure it took an exhausting tens of minutes to write this report before they fucked around on somebody else's expense account for a week or ten before officially reaching this groundbreaking conclusion. Move the fuck over Nostradamus, scientific history is being made!

Apparently mobile phones are more distracting than passengers. That's not even the most brilliant conclusion in the whole study. "Distractions" caused by these distracting mobile devices, are capable of making drivers follow too close behind other drivers and miss exits! Who would'a thunk it? Do you know what else can do that? Alcohol, Cigarettes, Food, Makeup, CD's, Mapquest maps, Children, Billboards, Long drives, Being in a hurry, Being angry, Being sad, Being stupid, Bitching wives/girlfriends/backseat drivers, Aggressive drivers in other cars. What's really perplexing is that the same shit that might make you follow too close or drive too fast, might also make you follow too far away or drive too slow. I guess my point is no fucking shit phones can be distracting, so can be just about every other goddamn thing on the planet if it's applied to the right person in the right circumstances so what the hell is the point?

As it turns out the hands free devices don't make it better BECAUSE. Who wants to guess? Americans it turns out (just happens to be who the study was done on, I'm sure every other country has just as many fucktards) cannot manage to use their brain to formulate driving thoughts and language related thoughts simultaneously and still yield positive results. Again, I am flabbergasted, I know not what that means but I do in fact be it. It is apparently safer to drive with a passenger because they "add an additional set of eyes" says the study. To this I say that is not necessarily true because along the lines of something said by comedian Dmetri Martin, what if the passenger is blind, but very persuasive? Backseat drivers extra eyes or not are very likely to be distracting in a good way.

Next the University of Utah (that's the Mormon state: see note below!) decided that "chatting on a mobile phone can distract young drivers to levels seen among senior citizens." And I find this delightful because I am a strong advocate of the "Smaller Car Theory" and I'm not sure if I did in fact come up with this theory on my own or picked it up off some other asshole in my distant past. What is the "Smaller Car Theory" you might ask. Well, I'm going to tell you in a minute. Before I mention that I must bring up the fact that this study only included drivers 18 -49 years old. This is a problem for me because it leaves out some very important age groups. Not to mention it only included 96 total people and really is basically useless for that reason.

(Note: Mormon's are not really well known for their need for fact-full evidence or rational thought to just jump aboard on some stupid shit.)

Now for the Smaller Car Theory. The Smaller Car Theory is this, after the age of oh, whatever age you're elligible for AARP or the senior discount at Denny's or I don't give a damn which one, just as long as it's a set old age around 60. You should have to take a driver's test each time you renew your license in order to prove that you aren't too senile to operate that four wheeled bringer of impending tragedy... that titanic fucking '89 Caprice Classic, Buick anything, or Cadillac Behemoth that you insist on driving. For every point you miss on said driving test which is an actual driving skill test, you must downgrade your car. You go down and down and down smaller and smaller cars until you're allowed nothing more dangerous than a Hover Round Scooter and a pair of really hard pants. This way we don't end up with a 95 year old woman who's too hunched over to see the road, driving a goddamn Soviet T-80 Battle Tank down the freeway by memory while she's dropping a duece in her adult diaper, having her fourth coronary infarction, and questioning where she does in fact live, all at the same time. This does bring to light a question and that should be obvious. If cell phones are making young people as dangerous as old people and cell phones are being outlawed in cars, when the hell are we going to take a look at the old people issue because frankly they fucking frighten me.

I'm not so sure I would actually classify old people as more dangerous than the young either though because I can remember being sixteen. Every additional mph that could be obtained was a feat equivalent to reaching the moon. I can remember taking hairpin turns at breakneck speed and e-braking it just to keep in the wrong lane. I've caught air, I've spun out, I've been very lucky, remained not dead, and I've calmed down with age. Mainly because john law doesn't allow more than two goddamn speeding tickets because the DOT are nazis in the state of Pennsylvania but that's beside the point. Fuckers make ridiculous rules for the rest of the country and yet shit like this fucking happens.


So I personally think we should fire every last DOT employee in the country and start over. I am quite sure that anybody who's ever been to the DMV and needed an employee there to do the job they're paid to do would agree with me. I'm sure you were likely met by hostility, ignorance, or indifference for asking that they do something besides growing fatter and dumber while talking to an equally fat and dumb coworker about something unintelligent. A good house cleaning might be just what they need.

Even if I've done some dumb shit in cars when I was a kid, I've never wrecked one... I have scratched and banged one up but it was the fault of the other driver (knock on wood). I know some people who have totaled multiple cars in far less time on the road than I've had. Nearly everybody I can think of was not a good, attentive, and careful driver when they were 16, or even 18. Cell phones are probably not our major issue here. Really what it comes down to is that some people just don't belong on the road to begin with because all men/women are not in fact created equal. You cannot single out every fucking thing that might distract a driver and get rid of it, it'll never happen so to even try is probably just a waste of time. We need to accept that some people simply just don't belong on the road at all.


Some people cannot drive and breathe at the same time while others can drink, drive, and contemplate quantum physics at the same time and that's just the way shit is, was, and will always be. The simple fact of the matter is that driving is a human activity and humans are imperfect. At this point in time you cannot combine the human mind with any complex activity and avoid mistakes all of the time no matter how many variables you add or subtract and that's a simple and unchanging fact.

I shouldn't have a problem with all these bullshit studies considering my line of work but I do. Humans aren't necessarily able to focus on a single activity for amount of time required to successfully complete said activity. A car will move anywhere from tens to hundreds of miles per hour and the human organism is only able to travel on it's own at maybe 15 or slightly more at maximum. When you're running at 8 mph you don't need to see very far in front of you to react and adapt but when you're going 75 there are changes necessary and often neglected. We are such retards as humans. There's some shit that is just always going to have risks associated and getting into a giant metal box that travels at very high speed is one of those things. There are probably far better things to spend research funds on that what exactly might be yet another reason why a known dangerous activity can be made more dangerous. Walking a tightrope 20 feet off the ground is dangerous... doing it with a nail gun is going to make it more dangerous. I don't need to spend thousands or even tens of dollars to figure that shit out!

On the bright side at least it didn't have anything to do with what some over paid, over opinionated, and under informed Hollywood douchebag or another ate for fucking lunch today. Christ I hate stupid.

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