Tuesday, December 16, 2008

When Drains Victimize The Children

Our government is on top of shit again! Getting right down to the issues that fucking matter. We've got a war occurring overseas. We've got rampant job loss, unemployment, and failing business. We have starving and homeless in our streets. We have crime everywhere you look. We have so many problems in the country but I can always relax when I read articles that show me our legislators know exactly where to start when fixing these problems.


They have passed legislation to require anti-drowning drain covers on swimming pools and hot tubs. It's official, America is on the fast track to recovery. I had been pondering this problem for months. I just could not figure out where the root of the problem was. The article cited 33 deaths of children under 14 in a scant19 years. Think about the significance of this. The way I see it, we very likely lost 2 astrophysicists, 3 aerospace engineers, 1 botanist, 2 college professors, 4 nobel prize winners, 3 oncologists (1 of whom would have eventually cured cancer), 2 sports medicine specialists, 1 discoverer of the aids vaccine, 2 foreign diplomats, 1 pilot, 3 professional athletes, 2 pulitzer prize winning writers, 6 accident/injury lawyers (now that's a valuable recourse!), and 1 Jesus reincarnate.

A loss like this is simply crippling and must be prevented at all cost. It's not at all possible that any of these kids were going to grow up to collect welfare, beat a spouse, molest a child, serve fries at Mcdonald's or anything bad like that. I don't care if this were to cost a 100 billion dollars, it's absolutely worth it to save 33 of the children.

Did anybody ever stop to think for a minute... just one goddamn minute! Parents especially, maybe you shouldn't let little Suzy fucking porpoise her fat, gelatinous ass around in the hot tub while the motherfucker is draining? Has anybody ever heard the statement "keep the fuck track of your idiotic children you fucking assholes!" I propose instead targeting malicious drains that probably had an abusive family relationship growing up which causes them to want to harm under 14, borderline-retarded children, we supply each pool or hot tub with one of these.



Problem solved!

I also got a brilliant idea as a result of this. Did you ever have a water leak? The pipes under the sink, the water heater? Well, now you know how to fix it. Cheap and easy, just stuff little Johnny's ass up in there because he'll stop that shit up like fucking Spongebob until you can sober up enough to get to the hardware store. In the mean time have a few more Pabst's, you've got time.

What ever happened to the days so obviously gone by. When I was a small child I was scared shitless of drains. The drain never tried to kill me, it never even let on that it may have a vendetta against me. I'm not saying that I was a smart child or that my drain just didn't have the evil homicidal gene. I'm not even saying that my parents had the perfect approach. All I'm saying is that when my parents told me that if I didn't keep my toes the hell away from that drain the monster with razor sharp teeth who lived inside would instantly chew them to gnarled, bloody stumps. My parents didn't want me to drown, I wouldn't have likely understood drown, but I did understand "gnarled, bloody stumps" and being horribly disfigured by an evil underwater hell-beast. I still have all my toes and I did not drown.

The other thing was that when I was in a public pool or hot tub, which we did sometimes go to, my parents knew what I was doing. They didn't know part of the time, they didn't know most of the time, my parents knew what I was doing every single second we spent in that place. This was obviously for my own good as well as that of the public. If I decided that I was going to play somewhere I shouldn't (they knew where I shouldn't play) they would politely tell me. Then when I didn't listen they would impolitely tell me. When I still failed to listen they would turn my ass fire engine red and then guess what? I listened, and I learned a valuable lesson. It does not matter how much I would like to do the opposite of what my parents say, it is going to be far less painful to stop what I'm doing and listen than the alternative.

I guess what I'm saying is that kids are usually idiotic. Parents are also usually idiotic nowadays. This is where the problem lies. We as a society have effectively nullified natural selection and evolution to a point where we are reversing it. Soon all of these children who in all likelihood should be dead, will grow up and have children, who in all likelihood should not live to adulthood. This will continue in a viscous circle like the replication of cancer cells. You cannot child proof everything to protect the little bastards, that's just ridiculous and expensive. Some people have to lose an arm to learn a lesson so stop making stupid fucking rules! Besides, I don't see anybody outlawing these.


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