Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Vladimir The Judo Master Putin

Russian leader Vladimir Putin has offered to join the national judo team after showing off his martial arts skills to members of the squad.  Strangely enough, he was actually wearing a shirt while he did it.  A gi I suppose they call it, but it could barely contain his raw manliness.  They actually had to give the gi steroids to keep it from simply disintegrating in his presence.

The 57-year-young prime minister (he's actually 57 centuries old but being modest and denying his immortality) made the proposal at a special coaching session on Saturday aired on state television.  Who wouldn’t want Putin on the team.  He once judo chopped a Tyrannosaurus Rex to death with a single Putin blow to the cranium and then made Chuck Norris cry.  That shit is good for morale.  Here's a little tidbit I bet you didn't know, his pecs are named destroyer 1 and destroyer two while his biceps are named apocalypse and death.  It's true!

Putin, who many observers believe is still paramount leader despite standing down as president last year, entered the hall of St Petersburg's School of Sport Mastery dressed in a white judo gi and black belt, to the mandatory applause from the assembled squad.  One squad member who was not paying attention and failed to applaud was immediately reassigned to the Siberian Gulag Judo Squad.

After bowing, the former KGB macho awesome Prime Minister went onto the mats, throwing squad members half his age and even tackling the chief trainer, Olympic Gold medallist Ezio Gamba who began shaking uncontrollably and tearing up (despite trying to hide it) while muttering about his family and refusing to comment about suggestions that he may have allowed Putin to win.

Then, over tea and cakes, Putin made the suggestion.  “If the team is not good enough without me you may tap into my vast, awesome, manliness to assist the motherland in conquering all” (quote may not be exact) he told the trainer, an Italian who won gold at the 1980 Moscow Olympics.

Putin, then pulled out his giant balls and slammed all 92.64 pounds of them onto the coffee table and exclaimed “you may now stroke the perfection of the Putin... touch the balls, feel the power" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats.

Officials praised Putin's technique in the Japanese martial art, and dismissed any hint that he may have been allowed to win. "He has the psychology of a winner, the psychology of the victorious" and thinking he was now off the record, Georgy Kukoverov, the school's chief begged for assistance defecting.

Since becoming prime minister, Putin has fueled speculation that he could return to the Kremlin one day with a series of high-profile stunts, baring his chest while riding a horse in Siberia before snapping it's neck like a celery stock.

Fly fishing shirtless just before using his manly yell to part the stream and capture the floundering fish with his teeth.

Tranquilizing a Siberian tiger  with electricity from his personality.

Flying a fighter jet to the year 1758 and back defying the laws of space and time.

And single handedly punching a meteor back out of the solar system with his iron fists before it could land and destroy the earth.  All cameras were immediately vaporized by the raw power of that one so no photos are available.  There was almost a slight controversy when Putin accidentally walked too close to a Russian girl’s school causing the immediate pregnancy of 938 school girls ages 13 - 18 as well as a female bear in the forest nearby (his manly fertility knows no species boundaries) but then all realized how lucky any girl would be to bare Putin’s child and the motherland rejoiced.

When asked to comment, Hugo Chavez exclaimed that since he's already renaming things, all Venezuelan citizens will from now on refer to Russia as The Glorious Republic of Vladimir Putin.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with the shirtless look. That's exactly how I shop at the Wal-Mart.

Merry Christmas, my friend.