Monday, February 2, 2009

R.I.P. T Shirt Hell

Today is a sad sad day for Dillinger. I actually feel as though I am losing one of my best friends. A squad member has fallen. An ally, a kindred spirit. is closing it's doors on February 10, 2009 after 8 years of kickass service. If you've never been to t shirt hell you and you actually read my blogs you would probably like it. You will never find a place where you can get such awesome shirts. No matter what inappropriate statement you would like to make they had it at and I think we need more companies like this.

Did you ever want a shirt with a slogan like “It’s not gay if you beat them up afterwards”, “Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals”, "Who Needs Tits When You Have An Ass Like This", and "What About All The Nice Things Hitler Did"? Eh, I didn't either, but I still find them fucking hilarious in their wrongness. I don't care how wrong or ignorant your idea is, if you've got the balls to wear that shit on your shirt, you should be able to buy that shirt!

One of my favorite sports of all time is offending people. In general, offending people is the only thing that I never get tired of, oh, aside from maybe sex. You can safely bet that if you can be offended I will offend you at some point and I will likely do it solely because I can. I like to start slow, find the touchy spot, that special place in your heart, then I'll build up the discomfort and hammer on the subject until your head spins like the demon doesn't want to come out. I love making people squirm. There really isn't any subject that is taboo. I'll make fun of shit that I have no problem with if I think it'll get to somebody. I have no problem using racist epithets or jokes and I'll make fun of the poor or the rich. I'll rip on retardation and handicaps, disease or bad hair, crossed eyes or obesity. I will say things that I don't even agree with if I know it might get somebody all uppity and I happen to feel the urge.

I'm proud to say I have no shame. Why do I do this you ask? I have no idea... I'm mean spirited, cruel, evil, warped, twisted. Maybe it's because my family didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up and my left sock always being a quitter left a sour taste for life in my mouth, it's hard to say really. I just don't like rules, I don't like boundaries and guidelines, especially when they are intended to regulate something that I can or cannot say or do. Before you say "wait, that would be anarchy" let me explain. If I'm not physically impeding your life or harming you, FUCK OFF! Militant Libertarian?... Maybe. I would go so far as to say that if you want to run your fat ass down a public street, butt-naked with hair on fire, dick in one hand and a Colt 45 in the other, a portrait of Little Black Sambo on your back. Stop only to take a dump in the bible and koran while you rant about those goddamn white devils. I couldn't care less, I say more power to you as long as you don't hit me on the way by or get shit on my shoe.

Now, back to my point. I loved this website, I only have two shirts from there and I've known about it for years now. It's not that I want most of what they have, I just like knowing that they're out there, fighting the fight, saying shit others don't have the balls to say just for shits and giggles. After 8 years and I'm sure billions hate mails later the owner said the following:

"I’m done. I’m finished. I can’t take the stupidity anymore, so I’m leaving and I’m taking my website with me. As of Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009, T-Shirt Hell will be no more.

No, I’m not selling out to some douchebag corporate entity. No, we’re not being sued by any of the over 40 companies that have sent us cease and desists over the years. No, I’m not going to jail (yet) and no, it’s not because of the economy. Although, the recent dip in sales certainly does make the idea easier to accept, even though we still sell over 3000 shirts a week.

I started this company in June of 2001, nearly 8 years ago, with the intention of producing the best satirical, the most controversial, the funniest t-shirts on the internet. Generally speaking, I feel I’ve accomplished that and am satisfied with what we’ve put out. I made a shitload of dough along the way. I’ve done cocaine off the better body parts of supermodels. I’ve even raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. But these perks are besides the point.

I just don’t feel like dealing with idiots anymore. I’ll give you an example of the kind of misguided morons we deal with on a regular basis at T-Shirt Hell. We released a new shirt a couple weeks ago that says “It’s not gay if you beat them up afterwards”. I will not explain the irony or the social commentary of the slogan because anyone with half a brain should be able to handle that on their own. Problem is, we’ve been besieged with emails from angry people complaining about the “fact” that the shirt is hate speech or that we’re promoting gay bashing and should take it down immediately."

Comments like:

"Now, I can’t say I’m surprised we’re getting hate mail from people who have nothing better to do than to start half-assed campaigns because of their lazy, just enough passion for an email, ideals towards a misguided cause. It happened when we did our first really controversial shirt, “The School Shootings Tour”, it happened when we did our “What About All The Good Things Hitler Did” shirt, it happened when we did our “Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals” shirt (boy did it happen then). It used to happen all the time when we did more social commentary and didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought and did shirts that did not leave anyone out. Unfortunately, as a concern for the safety of my employees, we don’t push the envelope as much anymore…and I can’t say I feel good about having caved in.

"Anyway, rather than cater to the masses, I’m just going to stop making shirts. It’s not enjoyable anymore and I have enough money to move on to something more rewarding. Maybe I’ll start my own hooker farm or maybe I’ll practice sleeping. Whatever I decide to do, it will be better than this. Attention any venture capitalists or independent investors/business assholes who are about to inquire about purchasing T-Shirt Hell. Don’t. You won’t do the company justice and I won’t take that chance. I’m putting it to sleep. It’s over. That’s right, I’m crazy. I’m pulling the plug on a company I could have sold for millions. Why in the fucking world would I do something so stupid? Because I can. I don’t care about money. This is the way I’ve always done things…my way."

"So, to all the kickass motherfuckers who supported us and REALLY got what we were trying to do, thank you (no, not you, you racist idiots who thought we actually had racist intentions and no, not you, you dumb as a stump fucks who just think any shirt with the word “fuck” on it is as right as rain). Thanks to all the people who contributed to my vice fund and at the same time helped make a funny statement about the world today. As a final farewell, I’m going to bring back some of the top selling Worse Than Hell shirts as a fuck you to those who forced me to remove them. To those who are offended by them and to those who think I’m racist, promoting rape, a nazi, homophobic or just the world’s biggest asshole…well, at least you think I’m something, which means I’ve achieved what I wanted."

I may rant a lot about things that piss me off but without the things that piss me off my life would be so damn boring! I would be like one of those neutered church-going, suburbanite douchebags who's only purpose in life is to watch American Idol, dream about glory days past, crusade against shit they don't like, and annoy me with facebook photos of their fucking ugly child. My point is this, if you don't like it turn your head and don't look, or don't listen. Hell, complain if you want, but don't try to get the shit banned just because you're delicate sensibilities are injured. If you are this type of person, I hope you die!

I hope you are walking home from church and you get hit by a bicycle which knocks you into a hotdog vendor's cart. You hit your face on the cart poke your eye out on the edge of it. You stumble to the side where you fall into a hobo's burning trash barrel and are set ablaze. As you scream and burn there is an earthquake which opens up a crack in the ground. You stumble in front of a cabbie named Tarik Abdul Muhammad Al Jaheeri and he doesn't even brake before he hits you. Both your legs break right off and you fall into the newly opened crack which is now flooding with boiling water from a broken pipe. The fire goes out and your skin melts off but you're still alive.

Paramedics fish out your mutilated carcass and take you to the emergency room. Doctors treat what is left of you and it looks like you'll live a miserable existence. While you're recovering you get food poisoning and then pneumonia at the same time and nearly die again. Doctors miraculously save you but gangrene sets in on your left leg which had been sewn back on but now has to be amputated. After all that you get a staph infection and die on Christmas night when your family has gone out to get you a "special present."

You have gotten what you deserve for trying to make the rest of us conform to your fucking gay morals. Morality is subjective you asshole! Just because Jesus told you what is good for you and you were too much a woolly farm animal to have a mind of your own doesn't mean it's good for me too. Live and let live and if you just can't let it go you should take a run off the top of a skyscraper because there are too many rules already that do nobody any good. If you have been to this site and didn't find it at least "acceptable" or if you would send or even think about sending an angry protest of these things, I fucking hate you. I hope you catch an extra aggressive strain of Necrotizing Fasciitis and your face falls off.

Rest In Peace T-Shirt Hell, I shall mourn you.

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