Monday, September 28, 2009

Obama Stalls As Iran Keeps Building Nukes

Iran says it has successfully completed two days of missile tests that including launching its longest-range missiles on Monday, weapons capable of carrying a warhead and striking Israel, U.S. military bases in the Middle East, and parts of Europe.

State television said the powerful Revolutionary Guard, which controls Iran's missile program, successfully tested upgraded versions of the medium-range Shahab-3 and Sajjil missiles with can fly up to 1,200 miles (2,000 kilometers). It was the third and final round of missile tests in two days of drills by the Guard.

The Sajjil-2 missile is Iran's most advanced two-stage surface-to-surface missile and is powered entirely by solid-fuel while the older Shahab-3 uses a combination of solid and liquid fuel in its most advanced form, which is also known as the Qadr-F1.

The U.S. and its allies (which are mostly imaginary at this point) disclosed that Iran had been secretly developing an underground uranium enrichment facility and warned the country it must open the site to international inspection or face harsher international sanctions. Harsher international sanctions such as a brisk scolding with no apology for up to 60 days.

Gen. Hossein "Big" Salami, head of the Revolutionary Guard Air Force, said Sunday the drills were meant to show Tehran is prepared to crush any military threat from another country. He concluded with "Irka dirka dir, dirka dirka dir!"

The revelation of Iran's previously secret nuclear site has given greater urgency to a key meeting on Thursday in Geneva between Iran and six major powers trying to stop its suspected nuclear weapons program. The powers are confident that if they can simply offer a yet better apology to Iran, peace will prevail.

Alex Vatanka, a senior Middle East analyst at IHS Jane's and part time cashier at Food Lion, said Tehran was conducting missile tests now "to show some muscle, show some strength, and say the game is not over for Iran yet." He noted the upcoming meeting in Geneva. Good call Alex!

"They felt going into these meetings ... that they needed to have something else to bolster their position, and I think that Iran's Revolutionary Guard showing a bit of military muscle here is part of that," he said. He also said to stop in the produce department for fresh California Oranges, pick up Coca Cola products buy one get one free, and if you don't have time to cook, stop in the deli for a fresh cooked rotisserie chicken and sides the whole family will love for only $7.99.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she doesn't believe Iran can convince the U.S. and other world powers at the upcoming meeting that its nuclear program is for peaceful purposes, as Tehran has long claimed. That puts Tehran on a course for tougher economic penalties beyond the current "leaky sanctions," she said. This means that "allied" countries, most of which do no business with Iran, will begin limiting the basically non-existent business with Iran. The effect is expected to be crippling to the Iranian economy (this blogger isn't exactly sure what "Iranian economy might entail other than missiles). Mrs. Clinton then let out a blood curdling banshee scream causing two elderly Senators to have mild myocardial infarctions and President Obama himself to soil his trousers.

The nuclear site was allegedly revealed in the mountains near the holy city of Qom and is believed to be inside a heavily guarded, underground facility belonging to the Revolutionary Guard. After the strong condemnations from the U.S. and its allies, Iran said Saturday it will allow U.N. nuclear inspectors to examine the (or at least A) site. Which site, has not yet been decided by Iranian officials. The case is looking very strong for the empty lot which once contained the now defunct Irka Dirka Burger factory (96% Halal!).

Israel has trumpeted the latest discoveries as proof of its long-held assertion that Iran is seeking nuclear weapons. Yet again though, nobody listens to the evil and terrible Jews (who have horns and forked tongues) because they are obviously deceitful liars who use Muslim blood to bake Matzoh and are out to control the world through the media and steal the Muslim's sand box from them.

By U.S. estimates, Iran is one to five years away (give or take 11 months) from having nuclear weapons capability, although U.S. intelligence also believes that Iranian leaders have not yet made the decision to build a weapon. Hopes are still high that Mahmoud will join the world circle Jerk. President Obama is still saving a seat beside him for Mr. Ahmadinejad, much to the dismay of the U.K.'s Gordon Brown.

Iran also is developing ballistic missiles that could carry a nuclear warhead, but the administration said last week that it believes that effort has been slowed. That assessment paved the way for Obama's decision to shelve the Bush administration's plan for a missile shield in Europe and with it the hopes and dreams of our (most likely former) non-Russian, Eastern European allies. Obama is imagined to have been quoted as saying "fuck that, planning for the future is for losers, besides, I'm in the process of collectivising the U.S. first."

When asked for his take on these events, the Profit Muhammad, peaces be of him, was quoted as saying "I don't give a shit dude, I just want the Jews dead because they called me a crazy." When pressed for more information he declined saying that he was going to get high and check out some fine ass over at the playground because "it's almost time for recess."

2 comments:

Opus #6 said...

Thanks for a great post. I like your attitude.

Dillinger said...

Thank you, I'm told I have a lot of it.