Friday, January 30, 2009

Dear Abby: Thongs On Men?

This is definitely not news, but I happened to trip over it and couldn't help but laugh, and feel terrified at the same time by flashbacks of past atrocities witnessed. A couple years back I worked on a construction job, more specifically a beach reconstruction job intended to counteract erosion. Pretty sweet job (working on the beach), for the most part but let me go the to whole Dear Abby thing and then return to the beach afterward.

Apparently Miss Abby did a poll about what men think about thongs. I am pretty sure that the question was what do men think about men's thongs but get the impression that many of the men failed to pick up on that subtlety.

Apparently the responders were 91% women and 9% men. Fifty-five percent voted thongs as good, 28 percent voted thongs as bad, and 17 percent gave mixed reviews (whatever the hell that means).

Here are some of the responses.

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up, girl! I switched to thongs when I turned 14 and have never looked back. A man can't wear tight white jeans with anything else. Love ... DINO IN SAN FRANCISCO

ME: Dudes really shouldn't wear tight white jeans ever Dino, and there are several reasons for this but I'm not going to go into them. Unless you go by the title "Captain" and wear your white pants with the hat below, just don't bother.


Why am I not surprised that and man named Dino who referred to a Abby as "girl" and wears thongs, lives in San Fransisco? I wonder if Dino looks like:
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with it, but I do find it funny.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a guy who wears string thongs under my work uniform and for casual day or evening underwear. I also wear thong swimwear by my pool in the summer, which I suppose makes me ... STRUNG UP THE MIDDLE IN VEGAS

ME: I hope your pool in fenced in with a high picket fence that has no gaps in it. All I can think is that this is actually the guy who wrote that letter.
I would venture to guess that there is a an 80% that your body is 95% less attractive than you think it is so put that shit away hoss! Nobody wants to see your hairy ass hanging out, you creepy fuck!

DEAR ABBY: I have never understood why girls would wear something that appears to violate all laws of comfort.

ME: Perfectly simple who wrote this one you might think. This is a woman who's slightly overweight and never quite developed a body that does not look like the character "Pat" from SNL. She has a mustache, clunky glasses, frumpy hair, and no chin. Worst case scenario I won't attempt to describe, there are no words, but you've all seen this woman, she'll never get laid ever. Best case scenario, she will eventually find a guy as desperate as she, they'll lose their viginity, the frustration will be gone, and soon she'll be wearing thongs too.


You were wrong. This person continue to write and said.

"The only way for me to solve this mystery was to try a thong. I purchased two and wore them exclusively for a couple of days. After the initial "getting used to," they were comfortable. In fact, I like them so much I bought a few more this evening. I am also thinking about buying other ladies' underwear. While this might be perceived as less than masculine, what I saw in the lingerie section looked a lot more comfortable and sexy to me than my old boxers or briefs. Abby, why won't they let us guys wear sexy underwear? -- CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA"

ME: It's a dude! "Less than masculine"? Oh, I think you could safely say that cheif. Now here is my question for any dude who has worn women's underwear especially a thong. I've seen womens underwear... up close even, recently, and they weren't ones I bought, or stole from a clothes line, (I know, you're amazed, but it's true). Now my question is how small must your twig and berries be to actually fit inside of those? I would think they would be forcefully separated like a teenager in a Porsche on contact with a lane divider. Noooo thanks. I say to "Confused In Virginia"... You sure as fuck are, good luck explaining to the kids why daddy is now mommy and that mommy is now living with "Uncle Frank".

DEAR ABBY: I'm voting thongs down. I'm 62 and grew up in the '50s and '60s with three good-looking sisters who always wore pretty ladies' nylon briefs -- all different colors, lace trim, prints, solids, flowers, silk panties. Wow! That was the style back then. All the girls wore them -- Marilyn Monroe, Bettie Page, etc. In the '70s and '80s girls adopted those ugly bikini panties, and now they're wearing thongs? Abby, please urge them to adopt those pretty panties of the '50s and '60s again. -- JACK IN BROCKTON, MASS.

ME: The first thing that is clear is that Jack in Mass. is thinking the question was about women in thongs. The second thing that is clear is that Jack is suffering from a dementia.


I know you're 62 Jack, but there is simply no excuse for this. I ask that you immediately hand over your man card and your testicles which you are obviously not using anymore. These will be placed in safe storage until you see the error of your ways. I would also like to say that you should likely give consideration to never speaking again.

DEAR ABBY: Wearing thong underwear has nothing to do with comfort. It's about concealing the dreaded pantyline on today's tight fashions. Pulling the waist so high as to expose it is unsightly on most of the bodies I have seen. And yeah, it's like driving past the scene of an accident -- you know you shouldn't, but you just have to look! -- ROBERT IN MOUNTAIN LAKES, N.J.

ME: Robert also thinks they are talking about thongs on women. To Robert I say... OK... That's all.

DEAR ABBY: Thongs up or down? Up, they're uncomfortable -- I twist my neck and strain my eyes -- but I have to say I really love them down. -- TODD IN MILWAUKEE

ME: I can't tell if he's talking about on women or on himself. He apparently knows whether or not they are comfortable so he could be wearing them now. Then he says he twists his neck sand strains his eyes? To look at himself? Or is he pulling the NYC construction working routine on some woman? Who knows, either way, thanks for you input Todd, I hope I never meet you because we cannot be friends.

DEAR ABBY: I have three responses to "San Diego Sinner." One: Wearing a thong does not make one a sinner. Two: If you're wearing one only to avoid being laughed at, you're wearing it for the wrong reason. Three: There are attractive and sexy alternatives to thongs such as bikini underwear and boy shorts. -- MATT IN SAN FRANCISCO

ME: The only thing I would add to that is this: If you think somebody is a "sinner" because they wear a thong, you must be almost too stupid to tie your shoes. Nobody wants to see your crusty ass anyhow. I think it would be great if a gang of hobos violated your anus and then lit you on fire.

DEAR ABBY: Thong underwear is as silly a fad as I can remember. Not all males find thong underwear appealing. Artful but suggestive concealment is what makes females appealing to men, not explicitness. -- M.J.H., COLUMBUS, OHIO

ME: This is either the previously mentioned, sexually frustrated woman, Jack from Mass trying to be sneaky and make his point again under the alias M.J.H., or a gay man with an art degree. Silly fad? Are you serious? Emo is a silly fad, 80's hair is a silly fad, jnco jeans were a silly fad, leg warmers were a silly fad, but less clothing on an attractive woman (we're pretending for a moment that the woman we're talking about, is attractive) is not ever silly. In certain situations it might be ill-advised, but never silly.

I am pretty sure I would like to see the rest of the polling results for this. I have no idea why but I find it interesting. I'm definitely not an advocate of just anybody wearing a thong. At least 70% of the population should very likely be turned away at the checkout counter for trying to purchase one. Please note below: To the left = Good... To the Right = Crime Against Humanity.

I'm not sure how I feel about thongs on the beach and such. I know what I would have said originally. Back in the day, before I worked as a lifeguard for 5 years and then worked the construction job on that 3 mile stretch of beach with a half mile of "gay beach" I would have been all about it. Now I've seen the worst of the worst, nearly gone blind, and I occasionally have hellish dreams about terrifying bodies in tiny thongs.

There are far too many people in this country who's self esteem is leagues above the levels where it should be. It's 3/4 of the time it's the woman with a 4 food wide ass or a guy who does not look unlike Ron Jeremy with down syndrome. Why has nobody verbally beaten the self esteem out of these people? I would never say that thongs should be not allowed in public because when the view is good 1/4 of the time it's usually good enough to make up for the other 3/4 of the time.

All I'll say is that people need to take stock of themselves and ask yourself "how hot am I" on a scale of 1-10 then multiply that by how many people (who are viewed in a socially normal manner as attractive) have propositioned you for a date or something of the sort in the past year. Subtract 5,000 points if you're male and 300 for body hair that is not hidden by the fabric, subtract 500 if you're female and larger than your husband.

If you have a mustache, subtract 100 if you're male (you'll look like a child molester) and drown yourself if you're female because it's one thing to have the mustache but it's a whole other story to be too goddamn stupid that you don't notice and shave it or bleach it. If you come do not at least break even you don't get to wear a thong. Automatic exclusion rules: Varicose veins, cellulite on your ass, you can get the "senior discount" ANYWHERE.

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