Saturday, January 10, 2009

New Inventions From Dillinger Enterprises

Here are some commercials for new inventions that I really think the world needs. Who knows, you might soon be seeing these in stores... I think these will be best sellers at a Walmart near you. When i get around to marketing them I'm going to see if I can't hire Vince from the "Shamwow" commercials to sell my crap.


1. I'm sure you've all heard of the new "miracle" fat reducing shit called "Hydroxycut" ....yeah that's the one... You've seen the commercials "I'm Douche, and being a new Doctor I have a lot of medical school debts to pay off. For that reason I'm willing to endorse any useless crap for a crisp ten spot!" Always some stupid slogan like that... "Are you a fat lazy piece of shit who wants to eat garbage all day and mold your couch cushions to your fat ass while you attract flies because you are too fucking lazy to even move to get a shower let alone work out? Have you looked into lyposuction but welfare just won't pay for it? If you've always wanted to have that dream body but have the willpower of an autistic kid, WELL NOW YOU CAN!... Dillinger Enterprises is proud to bring you "Lard Shears 3000" When you plug them into any 480 volt outlet, these extremely sharp and oversized shears will heat instantly to 1,000 degrees as they begin to vibrate like mom's old electric turkery carving knife. All you have to do is apply Lard Shears 3000 to those problem areas like inner thies or unwanted ponch and let them do the rest. Lard Shears 3000 will not only cut that unwanted fat away in a matter of minutes, the electrical shock will anesthetize and cotterize the wound while they work. Comes complete with suture kit (just in case) and one gallon of anesthesia (because you'll need that for 8 to 12 years afterwards). Now you can live out your dream of still being a lazy piece of shit who does nothing but sit on the couch, watch Oprah, and shovel big macs into your greasy fucking face. When your ass grows to the size of a 747 you can just pull out the shears and give that shit a trim. Just cut cut cut your way to that perfect body you've always wanted. We do not recommend this method, cut at your own risk, offer not valid in 48 states, void where prohibited. Get yours today for only 3 easy payments of $19.95

3. Are you an idiot, a moron, a mongoloid, or just a retard... time after time do you find yourself struggling with those difficult condoms, only to have to throw them away after they break. Do you find yourself constantly getting your 12 year old girlfriends pregnant? Maybe you're a cock-sucking, herpes infested trailer park bicycle who constantly gets knocked up by random men who you don't remember and who leave before you wake up in the morning? Those abortions everybody always talks about are so expensive and you might find yourself running out of room in the mobile home for any more kids? Fret no more because now there's a way to get all the feeling of bareback without having to worry about a 9th fatherless child to add to your collection with "Baby Be Gone Home Abortion Kit" Fuck the price, we're gonna do the world a favor we'll work with your broke ass to come up with a price you can afford just so there won't be one more stupid fucking idiot running around doing the same goddamn things you did in 10 years. Do not wait because this is a deal you won't find again. The "Baby Be Gone Home Abortion Kit" comes complete with a bottle of Jack Daniels, our patented Dillinger Enterprises brand morphine tabs (7000 times more powerful than pharmaceutical brand morphine), a scalpel, several pointy sticks, two metal coat hangers, and other assorted sharp objects to assist in nullifying the threat. You will also receive a set of sleek tongs for easy fetus removal. "Baby Be Gone Home Abortion Kit" should not be used past the 8th month of pregnancy unless you tell our operator upon ordering to upgrade your order to include our patented heavy duty baby removal tongs. We in no way recommend this method, condone it or suggest you perform the procedure drunk although we're quite sure you will because you are a fucking idiot!!

4. Do you ever get really bad headaches......we know you do because that pea sized brain in that huge fucking cranium of yours has to bounce around a lot and cause pain.....well we have something that will fix 'er right up for you. We'll just call it Dillinger Enterprises liquid headache medicine. The state liquor control board would call it illegal because it's 199.99 proof. This headache medicine will fix any bodily ache you have including AIDS. One shot and your body will instantly be too toxic for any ailment to possibly survive. Since this product has a lot of properties similar to benzine so we won't tell you that you will not die if you drink it. It's actually quite likely that you will die but the coroner will just think you drank jet fuel and we did warn you so we cannot be held liable. Enjoy!

5. Do you like the taste of freshly killed possum, skunk, and raccoon but you are too stupid to use a gun without killing yourself?... We have the product for you! You can now sit on your worthless ass and collect dust and welfare while you hunt... No more going out in the cold at 3 in the morning to get the jump on a creature that proves to be smarter than you are time and again. We at Dillinger Enterprises call it "The Death Machine 9000". "The Death Machine 9000" is most likely illegal in all states except possably Montana, Utah, Alabama, Tennesse, West Virginia, Texas, and Maybe Idaho. What is the "Death Machine 9000" you might ask. It is a highly accurate motion sensitive heavy machinegun that mounts to any hard surface (i.e. your house, a tree, your car)... whatever you want. Anyway... if anything moves within 400 meters of " The Death Machine 9000" it will begin belting out 900*.50 calber rounds per minute until that animal stops twitching or the machine runs out of ammunition. Don't get too excited and run right out to pick up dinner (if you can find anything left) or you might become an oversize number 2 pencil you stupid fuck... Despite our warning we know you will so it comes with full body kevlar (which will be ineffective anyhow, if you can figure out how to work it to begin with)......have a blast, get drunk, and enjoy a different woodsy delicacy every day. Only 3 easy payments of $125.95

6. Are you stupid, blind, retarded, or just a bad driver? Have you had many close calls with your life in car crashes because you are such a jackass you shouldn't be permitted on the road? Now you can feel safe and sound every time you get behind the wheel of that hoopty ass piece of shit you drive with the "Moron Launcher 5000" we call it that because with this product if you see a crash coming on you just push the easy to install dash button and the "Moron Launcher 5000 will eject your stupid ass straight up through the windshield and "up to 5000 feet SAFE" from your car and the deadly crash. Due to military grade C4 explosives used in this device we don't recommend that you smoke, hit bumps, poke, shoot, heat, shock, offend, or otherwise disturb the device once it has been installed you probably shouldn't even look at. GET YOURS TODAY AND NEVER FEEL UNSAFE DRIVING AGAIN!!

1 comment:

The Sniper said...

Ahhhh, I remember the old formula HydroxyCut when it had all of the barely legal, risky-dangerous stimulants still in it. It actually used to work pretty well abck then. Then the FDA said they had to cut out the best of its active ingredients (like guarana, yohimbe, methamphetamines, bull semen extract [not kidding on that one], and race horse stimulants)... pansies.