Thursday, January 22, 2009


I keep seeing a commercial that is proof that America has reached a new level of retardation. I couldn't help but be angered by this moronic invention. The saddest part isn't that somebody thought this was a necessary device, but that people will actually make him/her wealthy purchasing this turd. If you haven't seen it you should watch, if you have you may read on.

Snuggie? A fucking snuggie? That sounds like something you get when your Cialis malfunctions or if you accidentally ingest an entire container of Metamucil in one sitting. I'm staggered, even the vodka cannot make this seem like a good idea.

Now I can get with the idea that one may not want to turn up the heat (I was once a poor college student). I can even go along with one simply not wanting to use a blanket. Surely, if you go to your closet you will find a sweatshirt, a hoodie, a track jacket, a sweater, a shawl, something that you can don which will effectively negate your need to pull out a credit card and call the blanket with arms people.

If your blanket is has a tendency to "slip and slide" you should likely try a thicker blanket, constructed of a material that is less slippery or slimy. If you are so lazy that you cannot manage to pull your arm out of the blanket to pick up the phone or the television remote, you don't deserve to be warm or to use the phone or television. Where must one be living that the inside of their home is so cold that even removing an arm from the protective covering of a blanket will cause an instantaneous hypothermic reaction? You can even use your laptop in comfort? Have you ever actually held your laptop on your lap? The heat from my laptop is nearly enough to cause burns.

Of course the snugglie is made of thick, luxurious, soft, multi-ply, space age, nasa approved, recycled, not tested on animals, bio-degradable, ultra-lightweight fleece with oversized sleeves. You'll be able to move your arms which is great, I always find my arms getting hopelessly trapped in my blankets and then I panic and cry and bystanders must call EMS and the jaws of life must get involved, traumatic, it's just not worth it.

It's super large, one size fits all. All? It's big, but have you seen 1/3 Americans, they're going to probably have to upsize it for the people who'll buy it. What if you're short though? What if you're both short and old. How long is it going to take until some old lady is shuffling around in her ultra-soft, fleecy Klan rope and she falls her ass down the stairs. Old people have shitty balance as it is, should we really be encouraging them to be walking around in this 2 foot too long for their crippled frame cult gettup? Somebody is going to shatter a hip, I called it, you just wait for the lawsuit to show up in the news.

There are even people roasting marshmallows over a fire in this thing. Is it fire retardent? I highly doubt that it is, in fact, I bet this thing burns like white phosphorous exposed to air. They're at a baseball game in it, mom, dad, little suzie. What it fails to show is little jimmy who's playing in the game. While he sits on the bench, he's catching hell from his friends about what a fag his dad is (his teammates words not mine, don't blame me) sitting there clapping like a fiend in his oversized, red, fuzzy, hospital gown. How the hell is jimmy supposed to bring his A game when he knows his cheeseball family is embarrassing the hell out of him on the sidelines. "Why can't they just wear a coat like all the normal parents" he's thinking. This shit is how Menendez brothers happen.

Apparently you can do every single activity that you might want to do while wearing your giant fleece choir robe. You can talk on the phone, change the television channel, change the oil in the minivan, put up christmas decorations, ride your snowmobile, wash the car, cook dinner, sweep the floor, take karate lessons, argue with your husband, deflect small arms fire, manage a business, go to a job interview, take a bath, hitchike, pole vault, land a plane, go to a movie, commit a felony, frighten minorities, defend your country, win a pulitzer prize, and find a cure for cancer. Those are only a few of the things you can do with your arms free from those restrictive blankets!

For only 14.95 plus your dignity, you can have your snuggie in 3 magnificent colors. You can actually have a book-light too, free, what a deal. I wonder if anybody who buys this thing can even read above third grade level? You don't even have to manually open the thing. This booklight opens for your lazy ass at the push of a button, all automatic and shit. With these two products you won't ever have to move again. I propose they sell a mini-fridge attached to the booklight so you can sit on the couch and do nothing but eat, fester in your own unshowered filthiness, and rot away like the useless vegetable you are.

Why must it always be a $4,536 dollar value for just $14.95 IF YOU CALL NOW? Why must I always call now and get 12 extra snuggies and book-lights free? Really? You're so generous in wanting to keep me warm AND READING, that you're going to lose 50 to $4,000 per order just to make me comfortable? Oh thank you mr. snuggles inventor man.

I want to meet the man who invented the pet rock. I want to obtain his rock (by force if necessary). I want to hurl said rock, which will subsequently strike (in the cranium) the man who invented this snuggie.

When will people realize that if we do not institute a good eugenics program posthaste, mankind will soon be sniffing each others asses and wearing helmets in order to sleep without injuring ourselves. I don't believe in god, but if I did I would say "God help us all."

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