Tuesday, October 6, 2009

More Random Fuckwittery!

As part of The Royal Bank of Scotland Group, I would like to commend these blokes for the excellent choice of domain name. Either this doesn't mean the same thing in the UK that it does here, or a lot of people are retarded. "What? Royal Bank of Scotland dot com is taken? How about NIG dot com?" They're apparently a " leading provider of personal and business insurance in the UK." In the United States the simple mention of their name causes liberals to completely lose control of their bowels. Kudos to you for not giving in to political correctness and choosing a name that makes you happy... keep on keepin' on NIG.com!

As I've mentioned before, I love reading "Dear Abby." My problem is, Abby is a tool and gives stupid advice, she's also too nice. I think my advice is better. Watch me help these good people to the root of their problems yet again. No need to thank me, just being helpful.

DEAR DILLINGER: Several months ago I made a terrible mistake and e-mailed "Tom" -- a friend I had a crush on -- some topless pictures of myself. Tom rejected me because he is happily married. I am married, too, and when my husband, "Jake," discovered the pictures on our computer and realized what I had done, we discussed it and agreed to put them aside and never talk about them again.

Because Tom and I are friends and he was doing some repair work on our home, I have spoken to him on my cell phone numerous times. When Jake saw the phone records and realized I was still talking to Tom, he posted my pictures on an Internet porn site for all the world to see and blamed Tom so I wouldn't speak to him anymore.

Dillinger, Jake never told me I couldn't speak to Tom. That he made me believe that Tom was the bad guy is upsetting, even though I was wrong in the first place for sending my pictures to him. Do two wrongs make a right? I'm so upset by what Jake did that I don't want him to touch me. In fact, I want a divorce. I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- LINDA IN TEXAS

DEAR LINDA: You should try to not be such a filthy, filthy, whore. No, two wrongs don't make a right, but they do make your husband feel better when he finds out that his wife is the village bicycle. My question to you, genius, is this. Do you seriously feel that your husband had to verbally imply that he didn't want you talking to the man who you were actively trying to mount using pictographical bait? You're upset by what Jake did? HAHAHA, you're a complete retard. Of course you're upset by what Jake did, that was the point, now you feel the way he did. Feels good doesn't it? You probably belong on the internet as a warning to other men that you can't keep your tatas in your t-shirt and they shouldn't marry you once your husband divorces your skank-ass. Stupid reap what stupid sew... congratulations!


DEAR DILLINGER: I have been with my boyfriend, "Simon," for a year and a half. He's a good person, but my problem is I suffer from insomnia and have a hard time staying asleep. It is extremely frustrating -- not to mention lonely -- lying in the dark. I start to think about crazy things and it scares me. If it gets really bad I wake Simon up, but he doesn't understand. He starts going off on me for waking him, to the point that I'm reduced to tears. Then he goes back to sleep. What should I do? This is a disorder that is going to be with me for some time. Simon doesn't seem to care despite my numerous attempts to explain it to him. I know people hate being awakened from a sleep, but he's my significant other. Isn't he supposed to help me out? -- ANXIOUS IN ANCHORAGE

DEAR ANXIOUS: Is your significant other a Doctor? If he isn't a doctor then just how the fuck exactly do you suspect that he's going to help you? He might "comfort" you, but this is not helping the "disorder." I don't have enough information to decide what the truth (whole story) is but I suspect that "Simon" has a job and you waking his ass up every other night is starting to seriously weigh on his ability to get to and perform basic functions of that job. Take your stupid ass to a doctor and work on an actual solution to your problem instead of moaning about it. P.S. if it only happens less than two or three times a month and your boyfriend isn't supportive then he's a selfish douche and you should leave him for somebody who isn't.


DEAR DILLINGER: Is it rude to put salt on your food before you have even tried it? My husband was terribly offended when I blurted out, "Try it before you season it!" -- NADINE IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR NADINE: Who the bloody fuck cares?! Seriously, who cares? Why do you care? Your husband likes salt. It's not like he looked at it and walked away exclaiming "I'm not eating this toxic filth" before he tasted it. He just put salt on the goddamn food. Why are people so goddamn nit-picky? Note to readers: Stupid shit like this is exactly why over half of marriages fail. I shit you not, choose your fucking battles people.

Stay tuned, there will be more great advice in the future!

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