Friday, October 2, 2009

Truck Nutz? Seriously? If You Own These I Hate You!

Have you ever wondered, am I a giant douche? Many of you might have. After years of observation I have come to the conclusion that many people who are in fact a giant douche simply have no idea. I'm here today to give you an example of one way you might tell. Unfortunately I know for a fact that photobucket will call it a term violation and delete the pictures so I must simply describe.

If you own a set of testicles that hang from the bumper of your vehicle, you are most certainly a giant tool. That's right, just check the bumper of your vehicle, and if it has balls, I certainly hope the set on your body isn't getting any use. There are literally tens of websites that sell this "novelty" which is sort of like a billboard for your truck that screams "I don't ever get laid, but I would sure like to." If you don't believe me check it out.

If you do find that your truck has balls I would suggest that you check for few other things that are likely present on your person. First check to see if your hair is short in the front and long in the back. This haircut is affectionately known as the mullet and it is a strong indicator that you are actually still in the 80's and should trade your truck for a Camaro that you can use to screech tires in parking lots.

Next you will want to check your face, do you have a molestache? The molestache can take many forms and it's contigent upon having the mullet, skullet, or any variation of them such as the Speed Dealer Mullet or the Camaro Mullet. If you have this combination you must seek help, you are in danger of marrying your cousin or molesting a child.

Third you will want to try to recall if you have been sexually active. If you find that you have you will want to examine your own junk, not the set on your truck. You are likely to find the herp, even if there isn't obvious herp present there may be other nasty things you might have caught from the horrifying she beast who would copulate with a man with nuts hanging from his bumper.

What deficiency must one be trying to make up for by hanging a glossy set of nuts from your bumper. You see, my friend, this is why I disagree with universal healthcare. I don't think paying extra tax money so that you can have your life extended even by a single day is a positive investment. Take the nuts off, throw them away, shave the mullet and the stache and get a job. One final thing, please, please, please, use a condom, we do not want more of you running around impregnating other fat rednecks who also have no job.

Society is screaming toward hell at speeds that would make a fighter pilot puke in his oxygen mask. I would say this pretty much nails it.

Idiocracy - Opening Sequence - Funny bloopers are a click away

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Absolutely one of my favorite films. Watering the crops with Gatorade was just too perfect.